tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31038498728316526432024-03-13T03:46:41.068-07:00Our JourneyThis is our Journey through life with God by our side.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-49202533557461239802013-12-28T17:31:00.001-08:002013-12-28T17:31:12.697-08:00UpdateWe are still healing from Lonnie's death. It has been tough but it gets easier each day. Ricky and I are doing better. There are moments we grieve but we are getting through it. However I am concerned about Cheyenne. She has worked herself into exhaustion causing 2 bouts of illness. She doesn't take much time off. I understand because she wants to keep her mind off of things. But I worry because its not healthy working when you are sick.<br />
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Thanksgiving was nice. Cheyenne hosted a nice dinner at her house. It was quite comical because there were very few chairs and places to sit. But everyone had a wonderful time. There was a ton of food and lots of laughs. There were a few tears when speaking about Lonnie but we held it together for the most part. <br />
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The holiday season has been busy. Ricky and I were involved in a Christmas program with the church. We were a part of a few holiday gatherings. We exchanged gifts. Ricky and I exchanged gifts. He got me a flat griddle and a very nice set of knives. I got him an Amazon gift card and a Sears card. He worked really hard over the past 2 months to make sure we had a Christmas. I was worried about him because he had some health challenges but its getting better.<br />
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I am not in the habit of New Years resolutions. However I do want to try to do some things better in 2014. I have been dealing with some issues that need attention. My health is not bad but it could be better. I need to drop some weight. My feet have been hurting like crazy and I know that the extra pounds are not helping. I also need to get better regarding my relationship with God. I get so angry and frustrated at Him. I know that doesn't get me anywhere. <br />
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I pray that with each passing day we can move forward to better things. Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-40652879208572333712013-11-16T16:13:00.003-08:002013-11-16T16:13:52.556-08:00I wish things were different. I have been burdened with wanting to patch up a friendship ever since Lonnie's homegoing. This friend and I have gone through so many trials and tribulations. Due to me being an idiot I made so many mistakes with him. I wish I could change the past. We had been keeping in touch but then all the sudden he stopped talking to me. There was no warning. We had a ton of arguments in the past. But this time around we went from trying to make plans to him not answering my calls. Ricky and I both have tried to reach out to him but with no success. I do not know what I should do going forward. So I have kept my distance and will continue to pray for him and his wife. I am heartbroken that our friendship is over. But I will accept it and move on. I just wish I could talk to him and find out how he is doing.<br />
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<br />Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-88162317793339762692013-11-08T19:38:00.004-08:002013-11-08T19:38:37.803-08:00Its getting better but we still have a long roadTuesday was the funeral for Lonnie. It was quite emotional and heart-wrenching. I broke down multiple times during the service. I have had a ton of crying spells too. But of course Cheyenne is having the worst time of all. She holds up well when I visit her. But when I leave she cries and has the worst time sleeping and eating. So it hurts that there is really nothing I can do besides be a friend. I wish there was a way to take this pain away. <br />
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One of the reasons why I was struggling with this death is because I wasn't sure Lonnie was a believer. Multiple family members testified he was saved so that helped some of my guilt. Knowing that he is in his Heavenly home has helped me cope. "He is in a better place" is actually something I can take comfort in now. I think me coming to terms early on will help me be a stronger person for Cheyenne and the family when they need someone. Ricky and I are still grieving though and it will take time. <br />
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I haven't mentioned my mother in law because we hadn't had conflicts in awhile. But she decided to come during a very bad time. We were dealing with Lonnie's death, Ricky was working nights and I was working too. So unfortunately we didn't get to spend much time with her. When she was up Ricky was sleeping. When Ricky was up she was sleeping. So it was quite tough to get some time with her. We were able to go to dinner with her Monday evening. But we told her that Tuesday was the funeral so we may not be home all day. Because after the funeral we went to the Stockyards where Lonnie's brother Daniel was playing music as a tribute. We didn't get home until late. She was upset and left our house Wednesday afternoon in a huff. I know she came to visit but it was not an appropriate time. She also made some comments that were very upsetting. So I am not angry but very disappointed that this junk happened. It wasn't the time.<br />
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I am praying for all of us during this time. But I especially pray for Cheyenne. She needs all the support and strength she can get. <br />
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<br />Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-52106477827119117192013-11-03T20:26:00.001-08:002013-11-03T20:26:35.917-08:00So mixed upThis recent tragedy is not the only thing making me upset. We are having financial issues again. Also I do not see Ricky much as he is working over night. I feel like the trials just keep coming. I do not know what to pray for anymore. I feel so let down that I am almost afraid to pray for anything. I still do pray but I have this bad attitude of "whats the point". I need to somehow get past this. Otherwise the enemy wins. I do not want to continue down this road. Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-76923222417134472822013-11-02T20:49:00.003-07:002013-11-02T20:49:51.252-07:00Even more ramblings, ventings and reflectionsI am still having the worst time dealing with Lonnie passing away. So many things in my life happened because Ricky worked with Lonnie. I met Cheyenne and learned so many things about myself. So many silly things have made me cry. I see my Waffle House cup and I remember the 4 of us going there for lunch and Lonnie offering to pay. I remember my teddy bear with the cowboy hat that was for my birthday. Cheyenne told me Lonnie picked it out. I think about when they were with Ricky and I when we started looking for houses. I also remember Ricky helping Lonnie with rides to work, Cheyenne and I sitting drinking coffee while the guys were talking. But then some time later Lonnie and Ricky didn't see each other. They both got laid off from MPI and then went their separate ways. Ricky is dealing with a ton of regret for not making more time for Lonnie. But life has a way of passing us by. Before we know it we lose so much time. <br />
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I am dealing with so much guilt and anger over this. Over the last year I was quite critical of Lonnie. I didn't approve of certain things and I let my self righteousness take over. I have so many regret on the way I have acted. He was a hard worker who loved his wife. He could put his mind to anything. But I started becoming critical because I saw him go downhill. He started losing his drive for life. It was as if he was existing but not living. It adversely affected his friendship with Ricky and caused some contention with Cheyenne. I hated seeing someone who had so much life go into the doldrums. I had dealt with something similar with Ricky earlier on so I would give advice as I thought was necessary. But I feel like it was tainted with anger from my own situation. So that makes me a hypocrite because I hate it when others do the same with me. But before he passed away I was told he had started living again! He was pursuing his passion for singing. He wanted to fix up the old house they bought. He wanted to go back to MPI. Ricky and Lonnie could have closed the distance on the friendship.<br />
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But this loss came way too soon! I am so angry about it! I really thought he had a chance to pull through. When I saw him in the hospital I had hope. But for whatever reason it didn't happen. I cannot pretend to understand or rationalize it. It makes me furious that our prayers weren't answered the way we would like. Its not as if we were asking for a pony we were asking to spare our friend's life!!! Its as if we were being laughed at for asking. I know God doesn't work that way but at this point nothing makes sense. I want to cry and scream. If this is how I feel I cannot imagine what Cheyenne is going through right now. I have to deal with this on my own because I could not burden her with this. <br />
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I know that in time the pain will lessen for all of us. Possibly it will be revealed how this plays in the future. But prayers are still needed because this is too much right now. <br />
<br />Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-75381176590644113182013-11-01T20:54:00.003-07:002013-11-01T20:54:47.767-07:00Venting, Rambling, and ReflectionsEver since my best friend lost her husband I cannot stop crying. I didn't cry this much when my mother passed away. Not that I didn't love her but we weren't close until the last few years. Now don't get me wrong. I have shed some tears over her loss and I have had so many regrets. I guess that is why this has hit me hard this time around too. Losing someone is never easy. But seeing Cheyenne broken and torn up has really got to me in the worst way. I have had to cry in private and not around Ricky because he is having a hard time too. He worked with Lonnie and so he is taking this personal. I will be fine then something stupid will trigger a crying attack.<br />
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I am still quite angry that things happened as they did. I rant and rave. I ask what could have been done differently? Why weren't our prayers answered in this manner? Why do I have to see Cheyenne making arrangements instead of making plans? My faith has been badly shaken. It makes me feel like if I pray it doesn't matter. I know that's not the case but I cannot help but be so mad. I know being angry is the enemy's tool to get me off track. So I am trying to pray and reflect. But its not helping.<br />
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At this point I haven't heard the cliches that normally come with a loss. While they are well meaning I feel mocked when I hear one. "He is in a better place". I get that but really? How does that make the ones left behind feel? I mean do they really take comfort in knowing that? "God had a plan" Again I believe that. But am I really going to be comforted by that statement? In a moment of grief I am not going to say "Oh yeah I am glad you took my loved one away". "It was his time". That one makes me angry. Even though we cannot pretend to understand God's will I cannot fathom saying that to a grieving person. As far as we are concerned no it wasn't. Especially if it was an unexpected loss.<br />
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At this point prayer is still needed. I need my strength to be there for Cheyenne. My anger and frustration will not work. Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-40966884664066676852013-10-31T22:03:00.001-07:002013-10-31T22:03:19.486-07:00Its been tough. One of my good friends has lost her husband this week. It has been very tough for all of us who knew him. I have been dealing with a ton of emotions over the past week. One that has stuck out though is anger. When I found the news that he had passed away I felt let down by God. I had spent most of the night petitioning for his healing and recovery. I prayed almost non stop throughout the day up until I found out. So in my grief and pain I am angry. I draw no comfort in any of the things that have been said or will be said. I feel like I would go off on someone if he or she tries to comfort me with the cliches. I cannot try to find anything good that would come out of this. As far as I am concerned a wife, family and friends are grieving for a loved one. So I have been angry at God. I have asked why and I have bluntly stated this wasnt right. In this early stage I feel like my prayers were mocked and that I wasnt heard. My faith has been shaken but not defeated. <br />
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Even with all the emotions I feel I cannot imagine what my friend is going through. She has to wake up knowing he wont be there the next morning. She has to figure out how to go on. Its going to take time and prayer. She will be making hard decisions over the next year. She has to deal with inquiries regarding her husband. I have seen this cycle with another close friend of mine when she went through a similar situation a few years ago. It doesnt matter the circumstances. It is not easy to watch.<br />
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I pray for the family and friends affected. We need healing because right now it hurts too bad. <br />
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<br />Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-42599528029412788752013-10-25T15:58:00.002-07:002013-10-25T15:58:35.031-07:00So much time has passedI am so bad about keeping up blogs. I want to be better about not letting so much time lapse. So much has happened since last time.<br />
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Ricky's mom lived with us from June until October of 2012. It was quite stressful. I also had my sister stay with me during part of that time as well. During that time though it became apparent that part of the reason why we had so many issues is because she clings to Ricky. At that time she hadn't taken an interest in life and was in her room all the time. Also Ricky and I were arguing quite a bit. I can tell you it was no fun. Also I love my sister but some times I wanted to strangle her when we lived together. We are different people so sometimes our personalities do not go well together. But in October Ricky's mom moved out of our house to make room for a family of 5 who stayed with us for awhile. It wasn't bad but I learned quickly that my house is too small for 7 people, 4 dogs, and a cat. But some good things came out of this. My mother in law moved in with her parents to help them out. She has turned into a different person! Sure she has her bad days but she isn't idle. She has friends, interests and is forging a life for herself. It has also strengthened our relationship for which I am grateful. <br />
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I enjoy our church. Our pastor preaches from the Bible. While focused on Gods word it is not judgmental. It is involved in missions and outreach. Ricky and I are constantly involved with church activities. We are in the choir together. He is a part of the security team and I work with the Awanas kids. I have sang during church services. We have helped with events such as fellowship dinners, revivals, and meetings. We have made some friends through the choir, security team and Awanas.<br />
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I am still with my current company. I enjoy what I do. However recent changes at the job have got me thinking about what is next in my career. I have been torn between pursuing culinary school or business management. I am not sure what I should do. This is not me hating my current job. It has served Ricky and I well over the years. I met some great people and I have learned so much. So to leave and venture on a different career is scary. I have been praying for direction. I want to learn new things in the culinary world bu I do not desire to open a restaurant. I want to use the knowledge to minister to people but I do not know what yet. Ricky had suggested learning how to cook foods from different cultures. Its a great idea so I am thinking about it. <br />
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Over the past few months I have seen my friends with their children. I am longing for Ricky and I to start a family. Fears and finances have kept us from pursuing this. I feel like we should just go for it and trust that God will provide. I know that sounds trite and cliche but it is true. We have struggled financially on and off over the past few years. But when I look back on our struggles I realize He has provided. Sometimes I don't show my appreciation and gratitude. So I pray that we will be blessed with a little one soon. <br />
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I will be better about posting. I want to keep blogging and continue this journey we are on. <br />
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<br />Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-57259370929578389282012-06-18T06:32:00.000-07:002012-06-18T06:32:52.085-07:00Unlearning behaviorsI just read a good friend's blog and its so much more encouraging than anything I have written over the past two years. I have let my anger, bitterness, and frustration rule over my life. It is no fun to live this way. I dont spend day after day miserable. Some days though I am just consumed with all of of these things its hard to function.<br />
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My mother in law is finally moving in. She says its temporary. But because I still do not trust her I have a hard time believing it. If I wasnt so jaded I would see it for what it is. A family member is temporarily down on her luck and Ricky and I have a place for her to stay. However I have seen her behavior toward Ricky as clingy and needy. I feel like she will never let go of him. Living with us is just a way to ruin our marriage. I have to let go of the past but it is so hard when you see similar behaviors presently. Ricky's mom and dad both tried to tell him to leave me and not work out the marriage. That has pretty much instilled a mistrust in both of his parents. So when she says she wants to move in I automatically assume she is there to put a kink in our lives for the worst. I guess I would have let this go and moved on but then over the years there have been subtle reminders of how much he was babied and how his life was so much easier before he married me. As mentioned before I am accused of abusing, starving him, and discouraging him. Its not all the time but it seems when I let my guard down she starts in on me. Maybe I am just oversensitive and not seeing it as motherly love. So I am praying that I can let go of this. For Ricky's sake I want to make our household smooth while she recuperates and gets on her feet. But lets be honest its very hard. Just the thought of her moving in makes me want to cry for days. So prayers would be appreciated. <br />
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I really have been putting Ricky through the ringer. He hears about my constant whining about his mother moving in. I am trying to curb that behavior. He has been patient with me and has assured me he loves me. But her moving in makes me feel so inadequate and not needed. Ricky has told me many times that this was temporary and is in no way a reflection of his love for me. But again in my jaded behavior I feel like he wanted his mom there because I do not do enough. Thats an insecurity I HAVE to get over. It is ruining me daily and its no fun. I have to give Ricky lots of credit. He has been finding so many ways to give me hope and assure me that we will be fine. The enemy has me thinking that her moving in is the road to divorce court. He has told me this isnt so but I get caught up in all of the evil things from the past and think the worst. So during this time this will be a test of faith. <br />
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I know it could be much worse. Having someone move in temporarily isn't the end of the world. As long as you have ground rules and understanding it should be smooth. But I have had room mates before. Again I am dwelling on the past. One brought drugs in my house and another left me a 700 dollar phone bill and a mess. Oh and my dad did move in for a short time. That was NO fun as he was constantly trying to tell us how to run our lives. So these things from the past are sneaking up on me and bringing me down. But I truly believe if I pray, seek God, and stay close to Him I will be in great shape. He knows what he is doing even if I am not liking it right now. Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-79419292862866951912012-06-12T20:29:00.000-07:002012-06-12T20:29:00.629-07:00Thoughts about divorceThis may offend some people what I am about to write. But it has been tugging at my heart to talk about this. I want to talk about divorce and why I am praying about a way to curb it in today's society. I am sick of seeing broken homes, hurt children, and selfish people who do not care. <br />
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Divorce affects the children long after they are grown. The
following examples are just a small portion of the junk Ricky and I deal
with from our parents. Its pretty sad my dad says "when your
relationship ends please let me know". Really that's
how you want to be encouraging to your daughter? How selfish! I also
find it upsetting that Ricky's mom still holds so much anger and bitter
feelings toward his dad. its been 16 years. Her anger has put a
negative impact on Ricky's
relationship with his dad. She will constantly talk bad about him and
cause doubt and fear with Ricky and his dad. Its very disheartening to
see an event from years past still play a major role in our lives
today. It causes trust issues with Ricky. I assume he is going to
betray me and during a weak moment I might buy into the horrible advice
my dad gives. <br />
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I am sure most people who have made this painful decision were seriously trying to consider what was best at that time. I know couples that have split due to abuse, infidelity, and abandonment. It is hurtful to see. So I am certainly not condemning because I can only imagine how horrible it was to get to that point where a split was the best decision. But what angers me is that a lot of the time people have split over really stupid things. When you got married you made a commitment! So splitting because your spouse gained 15 pounds post wedding is not acceptable. Also just because your heart doesn't flutter at the site of your spouse does NOT mean you fell out of love. If you are in a marriage that is developing and growing you will graduate from heart fluttering to something much more meaningful. I know couples who have split because of money. That is understandable but it CAN be prevented. This means communicating and coming up with a plan. I can speak from experience on that because while we had financial challenges I was not ready to throw in the towel. <br />
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Folks you didn't take a vow just to break it when the waters get rough. You are misrepresenting marriage in the worst way. If you see a crack in your marriage you FIX it! You didn't commit your life to just one person to hurt them later on for your selfish desires. I do not care if your wife gained 15 pounds. Instead of berating her find out why? How do you know its not a medical condition or depression? You cant find out unless you communicate! Wives your husband is not perfect. Get used to it. You didn't marry him to "change" him. It doesn't work. A man might mold his life in the right direction but he has to be willing. No amount of cajoling, bribing or threats will get the job done. <br />
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I love Ricky. I also get angry at him. Sometimes his attention span is horrible and he tunes me out. He will thrown his socks on the floor. He might forget to fix something he was asked to do. But those are things that can be overlooked or worked through with prayer and guidance. I know Ricky loves me. However I know he gets annoyed with my mood swings and house habits. But these are NOT capital offenses. We have talked, prayed and worked through our differences. Our marriage is no where near perfect. We have a long road ahead of us. But with the Lord's help we will succeed. Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-43595903158460620912012-05-25T17:34:00.000-07:002012-05-25T17:34:12.644-07:00So much to think about!I have been dealing with mixed feelings over some recent events. The past week has taken a toll on my thought process. I want to be a better person and not assume the worst when it comes to kinks in our journey. My faith in God is a roller coaster because I am always questioning and never handing it over to Him. I am not good at that. I always feel like I have to know what is going on RIGHT NOW and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. But its like a bad habit I can't seem to stop worrying and being anxious. <br />
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Ricky's mom had symptoms of a stroke last Friday. We didn't find out until Sunday evening! Her reason for not telling someone was that she didn't want to burden anyone. That frustrates me to no end because the message I am hearing is she would rather hurt her son by not taking care of herself. We came down really hard on her and told her not to mess around with her health like that. She started going on about how she doesn't have anyone and didn't want to bother anyone with her health issues. Because of this episode Ricky now wants her to move in so she can be supervised. I am not OK with this at all. It sounds heartless and cruel I know. But I have little trust in her and my past fears have me wondering if she purposely sabotaged her health so she could cling to Ricky. That sounds unreasonable because most people hate being sick. But her actions suggest otherwise. <br />
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We worked at Friendraiser this week. I always enjoy doing volunteer work with the KCBI staff. You never go hungry and always have a friend to talk to. I love the staff. Its encouraging to see a group of people praise God so openly without shame. This was something I needed as I am still struggling in my walk. I have been trying to surround myself with other Christians. But an incident at Friendraiser made question if I was even still following the Lord. I met this lady who signed up to volunteer. We talked a little bit but she started acting strange after I asked her where she lived. I simply wanted to know the vicinity so I could recommend a church for her as she was new to the area. But when I asked her she said "why do you want to know that?" I told her I was just curious. She got scared and said "that's Gods area to recommend a church". I didn't press further but the conversation bothered me. I couldn't put my finger on why so I just chalked it up to me being tired. The next day I am at Friendraiser the same lady is there with Ricky in the prayer room. They were talking and when I went to talk to Ricky she has the nerve to say "Sit. I have some things to say". Then she started talking to me like she knew me for years. She was border line lecturing me and then had the nerve to shove my hand! It made me so mad because she took it upon herself to get in my personal space but yet freaked out when I asked her where she lived. But the reason why I question my faith with this incident is because she was telling me things God laid on her heart and all I could do was roll my eyes and mentally think to myself "are you done yet?" Maybe it was just her speech delivery.<br />
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Which leads me to what has really been bugging me. I am starting to resent people who have to sermonize everything! I am finding myself rolling my eyes when someone quotes a Bible verse. I will say its not all people. But there are certain individuals that just rub me the wrong way when speaking about God. I am not sure what the means. Is it a lack of faith? I dont know. But I am tired of the sermons when I just want to be talked to like a normal person. I will say that this feeling only happens with certain individuals. If my pastor or Mike Tirone at KCBI were to talk to me I would be fine. But I start rolling my eyes when Ricky or that lady from Friendraiser quotes Scripture. That is something I will be praying about. <br />
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I have been worried about how bills are going to be paid since Ricky has gotten laid off. All I have been told is "have faith". What does that mean? I am getting to the point where I want to shout "Faith DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS!". But I haven't because I feel like I would be saying something blasphemous. So instead I have been trying to cut costs where I can. I make calls to companies to see what I can do about payment plans. I am being responsible. However I get accused of not trusting in God. What I am supposed to do? Sit there and wait for the house to get foreclosed in the name of Jesus? Somehow that doesn't strike me as Gods will. <br />
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Ricky felt the calling to ministry 7 years ago but has been ignoring it. This week he has been taking his calling very seriously. He has been researching ways to go to school. He has alerted our pastor and has talked to KCBI's general manager regarding his decision. I have very mixed feelings about this. I don't oppose him answering God's call. But 7 years ago I encouraged him in his calling and all it got me was ridiculed. When I had told him to answer the call he looked at me and said "Why is it so important to you? I am starting to think you don't have a mind of your own". He accused me of being a follower and not making my own decisions. I am not sure how encouragement even brings up these things. But they hurt and now I have not voiced any support over this because I really do NOT want to deal with any more criticism. Lets be fair though. If he is serious about the ministry he will accept my support for what its worth. But fear has kept me from being very happy about this development. Its bad that part of me thinks he is only doing this to get out of working! Isn't that a horrible thought? <br />
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I am needing prayer because the uncertainty I feel is not getting better. I do not enjoy being angry or agitated with the Lord. I don't want the enemy to win so I am rounding up my prayer warriors. Because if something doesn't change I see myself going down a dark path and it may be hard to turn back. Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-81662547948699437052012-05-15T20:01:00.004-07:002012-05-15T20:01:38.580-07:00LifeMy faith is still being tested. I know that the Lord is not being cruel. But recent events have made me question what He is doing. Ricky lost his job so we are back to one income. The idea frightens me because of our mortgage. We somewhat skated by when we lived in the apartment. Ricky and I have been arguing. I fear he wants to go back to the days of old where depending on Mommy was the game plan. As it is he has suggested that she might move in because that's what God would want. We are to be obedient to what the Lord has in store for us. But I wouldn't be human if I wasn't just a little angry about having parents move in<br />
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I guess the most frustrating thing is things were going well the past couple of months. Ricky and I moved our membership from First Dallas to Aurora Baptist Church. We are embracing a new business opportunity and Ricky's health has improved by leaps and bounds. Ricky's attitude has changed by leaps and bounds. My faith is strengthening. We got involved in choir at church. We are making friends in our neighborhood. We have made enough money to take care of bills.<br />
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But I guess the Lord wanted us to deal with challenges. I will be brutally honest I am really starting to get sick of trials. Compared to some its not the end of the world. But I am not really good at handling adversity or any type of kink thrown my way. This test of faith is necessary but I didn't want it. I really just wanted to go a few months without worrying about where the next meal is coming from or it the mortgage was going to be paid. As frustrated as I am though I do not want to be angry at the Lord. I am quite frustrated though.<br />
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I am also grieving the loss of a friendship. It was on shaky ground for years but when recent events came to light it was a sign that it is done. We will never be as close as we once were. My heart breaks knowing that. I haven't cut the person off or told him to go away. But his recent life development will definitely throw cold water on any hope of a close friendship ever again. It is not his fault but I have to be realistic. I wish him the best. Wow this hurts so bad.<br />
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I have no idea whats next for us. I pray that I can handle it with dignity and acceptance. My current method is doing more harm than good. I cant handle another day of crying. <br />
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<br />Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-34621670919520837292012-03-20T17:53:00.002-07:002012-03-20T18:01:32.491-07:00Does it ever end?At this point I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel like every time things get better a curve ball is being thrown our way. At this point I am wondering if I should just expect the worst and not be disapointed? Things were really starting to look up. I have this feeling that any time I am content, pleased, happy with things. I always have this feeling of doom and prayers are needed in the worst way. I cant take much more of this.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-63710286538334903282012-03-07T19:31:00.003-08:002012-03-07T20:12:15.122-08:00TVTV today is horrible. After watching shows this week I don't know why I even bother. I had a very unpleasant experience with the programs I viewed. <br /><br />I love music and I like Katherine <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">McPhee</span>. So I started watching Smash on Mondays. The first few episodes were good. However this week it went too far. The direction was quite disgusting. I didn't need to see Katherine <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">McPhee</span> do a striptease in her room. I wasn't impressed with her character flaunting herself at her boyfriends dinner. Then we cut to a different scene where another female is entertaining an affair and misses out on her son getting arrested. The star sleeps with the director to get the part in the play. I could go on and on. But what really did it for me is a scene where it shows two guys covered with a sheet talking about how great the sex was. Luckily we were not treated to the actual scene but the aftermath turned my stomach. Call me judgemental prig all you want but I was appalled by this weeks episode. Oh did I mention where Debra <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Messings</span> character is making out with someone else besides her husband at the end of the show and the son sees her? It makes me sad to see a show with such potential turn into trash. <br /><br />Switched at Birth was a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">dissapointment</span> this week as well. What message is the show sending when at the end two teenagers sleep with each other because they are mad at the world? Also why must the producers really push the "bad boy" image with one of the main characters who happens to be deaf? Are they trying to send a message that deaf people are evil? Whats the point? They take an admirable person and turn him into a jerk. Drugs and Alcohol are brought on the scene too. What is ironic is that this is supposed to be on ABC Family. But the shows on this channel are not really family friendly. I am all for a show that deals with real issues but it can be done without the smut.<br /><br />TLC is one of the worst networks ever. They have gems like "Kate plus 8" "LA Ink" "Sister Wives". I could go on and on. There are very few shows on that channel I would bother to view. Anything else is a waste of time. I find it sad that TLC feels like they have to make a buck on trash. Do children need to be exploited? What do you hope to accomplish by showing something glorifying polygamy? I guess its a blessing in disguise I do not have cable.<br /><br />Lets pray for some change in our entertainment world. It does not have to be trashy to make a buck.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-53393270365662231192012-03-04T22:02:00.002-08:002012-03-04T22:17:05.685-08:00I am trying!!Things have been looking up. There have been no threats of divorce in the last few weeks. Ricky's health has improved since he has been taking a new health supplement. His residual back pain is gone. The blood pressure numbers are great. His diabetes are stabilized. The best part is there have not been any more awful fights. We are going back to church and reconnecting. You would think that I should be rejoicing and thanking God for the reprieve. But I am not. Instead I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like every time things are on track, the Lord just wants to throw another curb ball. Quite frankly I am sick of the curve balls, challenges, and struggles. I have gotten to a point where when things are great I expect something bad to happen soon. I hate feeling this way! I am trying to be grateful for the blessings that have come my way. I have been praying every night. But I still feel so disconnected from God and I hate that. I dont want to be at war with Him. But my trust is so shattered. I am praying that my heart is changed. I am trying to be better.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-43417012657670480412012-01-02T18:02:00.000-08:002012-01-02T18:14:23.474-08:00Its been awhileI noticed I hadn't blogged in over a year. Its been a year of challenges, triumphs and dissapointments.<br /><br />Ricky and I did get a house in September. We got a home through LGI. They work with credit challenged people to try to get them their dream of home ownership. Its not a fancy home at all. Its just 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. It does have a nice kitchen and a lovely master suite. Its not a mansion but for a first home we could have done a lot worse. Payments are 885 a month. So I am pleased.<br /><br />We also were challenged with our generosity. We helped a couple who were in dire straits. However it turned into a bad situation. We lost a big chunk of money and the people we helped no longer want to have anything to do with us. As long as the money coming their way they would sing praises of "we love you" and you are awesome. Once it stopped they stopped talking to us. We were helping them because we thought it was the right thing to do considering we have been in hard financial situations as well. <br /><br />My faith in God has been tested over the past 3 months. More threats of divorce, financial issues, and work problems have pushed me to the limit. I am getting very discouraged. I do not expect Eutopia but I am getting impatient. I pretty much am reduced to begging for the Lord to help me now! I cant take any more of this stress and it just seems cruel to continue for a "purpose". My relationship with the Lord is on rocky ground. I dont doubt His existence or love. But I am not liking how I feel right now. I really dont want to endure any more. References of Biblical characters like Job and Joseph just make me even more angry. Yes they suffered and risen above the circumstances. But I dont want to go through a huge roller coaster of trials. I may be selfish stating this but I cant help how I feel. <br /><br />Ricky and I could be doing much better. You would think our first home would unite us. Instead there are threats that I cannot handle. Its too much for me to deal with and I am getting angry. I just want the nonsense to stop and a little break. I do so much and I feel like its not appreciated. I dont think anyone gives a flying crap about what I want. I want to just throw in the towel. <br /><br />I need prayer in the worst way. I am beyond discouraged.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-44826077014140085162010-12-28T22:58:00.000-08:002010-12-28T23:10:40.353-08:00ThoughtsI am still battling depression like crazy. I still cant stop eating and sleeping. It is scaring me. I do not get why I feel the way I do. I have bouts where I want to cry and times that I lash out over the smallest things. I lose my temper if my car does not start or if I misplace my keys. This is not someone I like<br /><br />I did not get the job in Kansas City. I took that loss really hard. I was ready to kiss Texas goodbye and start somewhere new. This past Christmas was a prime example of what I wanted to leave behind too. It was probably one of the worst holidays I have ever celebrated. Ricky and I got snubbed like crazy. We have put up with it for years and finally have had enough. So we have made a decision not to show up at next years get together. Unless something drastically changes the family is just going to have to do without us. <br /><br />I am still struggling with my anger toward my mother in law. I can't stand to be around her. She is always so depressed and negative. I can't handle her being so clingy either. The behavior angers me to the point I get anxiety attacks. This battle is an uphill one. I do not want to be angry with her and I do want a relationship with her. But it is so hard because I have this fear in the back of my mind that she will try to conspire to get rid of me like she did last year. This issue is still needing lots of prayer. <br /><br />There is a possibility that Ricky and I may be getting a house. We have had so many issues getting financed. We found this builder who is willing to work with the credit challenged. The catch is that you have to want to do your share of the work. No one just hands you a house. We have a meeting with a sales counselor this weekend to get some more details and decide once and for all if this is the route to take.<br /><br />I have a sleep study coming up this week. I may have sleep apnea. I also plan on looking for a psychiatrist the first of the year. The good news is that our new insurance will carry our current doctors. The dispute between the hospital system and the insurance company has been settled which was a prayer answered.<br /><br />I ask for prayers during this tough time. I do not even have the words to type my own I am so depressed. I just ask for guidance during this time.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-10758990394311552702010-12-15T23:50:00.000-08:002010-12-16T00:20:18.133-08:00So much frustrationI changed the mission statement on my page. I did not feel like I was doing it justice. I have have done a poor job of spreading the Good News. Over the past 2 years since I have started this I have been struggling with depression. So my posts have not been as encouraging as I would have liked. However the blog is a look into the life of a Christian who has struggles and challenges.<br /><br />I found out some news that has angered me. My mother in law will be going on short term disability for 3 months. Also its a possibility that she may be on disability permanently. This news bothers me for a few reasons. One because once she is no longer working she will constantly borrow money from Ricky and I. We will never be able to get our own lives because we will feel some type of obligation to help her. Also she will want to either have us move in with her or guilt us into having her stay with us. Then there is the clingy behavior that I have had to battle with over the years. She refuses to let go of Ricky and wants to jeopardize his chances of building a relationship with his dad. I also find it quite odd that she is going out on leave right after we got the news we were staying in Texas. I am praying that I can look at the situation in a positive light. It is not easy.<br /><br />I am still battling with depression. I keep eating like its my last meal. I sleep so late its not funny. The worst part is I can sleep 10 hours and feel like I haven't slept at all. It is scary. I feel like crying sometimes. <br /><br />I found out some news regarding our health insurance that concerns me. We will be switching over to a new carrier January 1st. The insurance carrier is in a dispute with one of the local hospitals here. If they do not resolve their differences we will have to start looking for new doctors. I really hope that is not the case. We have great physicians who care about us and have treated us so well over the years. I don't want to have to establish a history with a new doctor if it is not necessary. I know I should be grateful I even have insurance. But what good is it if I am not getting the care I am paying for and should be expecting?<br /><br />I need prayer in the worst way or I will spend the rest of this blog complaining. Please pray.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-51380444039379846362010-12-08T09:21:00.001-08:002010-12-08T09:59:55.600-08:00Stuff on my mindI had not written in awhile. After my issue in September I just decided to stay away from the blog. But I am frustrated that I let people intimidate me into taking down my post. What I had written was truth and it needed to be out there. I am sick of sugarcoating and tiptoeing around. Its ridiculous.<br /><br />I am still battling depression with a vengeance. I have been sleeping way too late and eating too much. I am sure I have gained a bit of weight. My clothes still fit but I can tell there is a physical change in me that I do not like. The eating is getting out of control. I am always hungry and I really have no idea why. I just want to eat all day. I really have no reason to be depressed as circumstances across the board are in our favor for the first time in ages. But there is still this cloud that seems to follow me no matter what. <br /><br />Ricky and I are in a better place financially. We are nowhere near rich but we are getting out of debt. We have been on time with bills. Some are even paid ahead. Ricky has been working with Ameritex Guard services. He is a security guard. He makes less than I do but brings home more due to the fact I carry the health insurance. We are still needing to be wise with our money but we don't have that fear of doing without as we have dealt with in the past. <br /><br />I am worried about Alicia. She had separated from her husband but then decided to go back to him. I do not advocate divorce but the circumstances in the marriage were severe enough that I had encouraged stepping away from the relationship. When there is a time when a life is in danger I do not feel it appropriate to stick around. Her husband is not an evil person but he is very misguided and needs to get counseling for his anger. She is also in a tough place financially. I have encouraged her to get help but she is hesitant. I can understand. Asking for help can be equivalent to admitting defeat in the minds of some. But I hope she seeks it soon so she can move on. <br /><br />Ricky had been in the hospital in September. He was diagnosed with stroke symptoms so he was observed at Arlington Memorial Hospital for a few days. It was no fun seeing him in that position. However he was in great hands there. We had a few hiccups with some of the staff but for the most part he was taken care of just fine. I ended up staying there with him the whole time. For a couple of nights Ricky was kept up due to the neighbor in the next room who was out of her mind hollering for various people. That was no picnic. But luckily the hospital ruled out a stroke. Ricky was out of work for a month but he is doing great now. He has been taking his medicine and eating right for the most part. He is human though and will slip a hamburger or fried tenders in. But I have been making sure that we get the proper nutrients in our diets.<br /><br />One thing I have noticed during this whole ordeal with Ricky being sick is that he seems to recover much better when he is not around negative influences. When he is constantly told he is a sickly individual and there is not much hope he does not want to get better. We realized this when Ricky put distance between him and his mom for awhile. She was understandably upset that he was sick. But then she would take it too far by freaking out and being discouraging. She would pity him and baby him. All that did was hinder his recovery. So when he stepped back from her for awhile he started feeling better. He had his challenges of course but he was thriving! He was able to go back to work after a month and his symptoms that have hindered him have been non existent. Of course he still communicates with his mom but its not an every day occurrence. He can build a healthy relationship with her and still be an adult and live his life. <br /><br />I have applied for a job in Kansas City. I felt that Ricky and I moving there would be a nice fresh start for us. After seeing Ricky's family freak out while he was in the hospital prompted me to put in an application. I have had enough of interference and people trying to run our lives. Not only that we would be closer to his dad. Ricky needs to build a relationship with Rick and has not been able to do so because he has been here in Texas coddling the family. We are done with that so we want to start a new life elsewhere. Kansas City is a great place. I feel like its a compromise because Ricky loves the country and I grew up in the suburbs. The KC metro area has the feeling of both. Right outside of the area is lots of land and farms. Then you have your restaurants and entertainment in KC. So I hope to get the position. I am excited about a possible change of scenery.<br /><br />My spiritual life has been lukewarm at best. I have been attending church. But I am uncomfortable getting involved with a Sunday School class or group. All though I would really like to join the choir. I am unable to due to my current schedule. I feel like I am stagnant with my walk with God. At times I am disconnected and lost. I pray for guidance and hope because this is not a fun place to be.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-53285058260153081652010-09-13T23:06:00.001-07:002010-09-13T23:20:23.886-07:00Weird!!!Yesterday I had posted a blog about my church. I had also posted some stuff that I felt was a real concern to me. In doing so I apparently caused someone to be offended or upset because my post was reported to our executive pastor at church. To make things even stranger I got a personal call from the executive pastor while I was at work! He was very nice. All he did was ask me some questions. However I just felt so....weird! I am not a columnist or a writer for a newspaper so for my post to get the attention it did was just so odd. Whats even more strange is that I made disclaimers throughout my post assuring people that I was not trying to criticize the person I was speaking about. All I wanted to do was prove a point that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect no matter what. I took my post down so no one would mistake my concern for one persons actions as criticism of the church. The Lord has blessed our church with many great people and I do not want anyone to get the wrong idea. <br /><br />My apology is to whoever was offended. I do intend to speak my mind but I will make sure going forward I will be diplomatic but bold.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-10053581104874622462010-09-13T17:14:00.000-07:002010-09-13T17:15:26.845-07:00WowI just deleted a post because I inadvertenly caused some issues. My apologies to those out there that may have gotten offended.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-8576329288901813802010-08-22T21:58:00.001-07:002010-08-22T22:25:23.164-07:00Spiritual thoughtsLast night I was at a party for a former coworker. I was having a conversation with a group of girls about religion and faith. It was interesting because 2 of the girls were Jewish and one is agnostic from what I understand. These girls gave me a reason as to why they could not be a Christian. I realized I was one of the worst witnesses for the gospel because I had a hard time expressing why trusting in the Lord was important. I admitted I was a Christian but I said nothing else. I have always had an aversion to witnessing and last night was no different. Instead of being a bold Christian, I clammed up. I am not ashamed of the gospel. I have no problem with people knowing my faith. But I can never seem to articulate a defense for Gods word. Last night would have been a perfect time to witness.<br /><br />My walk with God is marginal at best. I go to church every Sunday and I pray but it seems so lukewarm. Plus I have raged at God for silly things and do not praise Him when it is deserved. Ricky and I can have faith conversations but we don't pray together. That has troubled me too. Why does it seem more comfortable to pray with the pastor at church than with family members or spouse? Plus I have not been tithing. I know my money has been given to me to use wisely. But I don't tithe 10% because I am holding on to fears of going back to being poor. <br /><br />I find myself questioning my faith. I keep getting mixed signals on where I stand with the Lord. What bothers me is hearing people say "Trust in the Lord and you will always be happy". In a sense that is true because I have the knowledge of spending eternity with our Savior. But right now I still struggle with depression, anger, and temptation. It seems to be condescending to suggest that I am experiencing these things because of a lack of faith. <br /><br />I am also struggling with my church home. I have not been to First Baptist Dallas for awhile. I like the church but it is a 30 minute drive. Its worth it but I am starting to resent the trip there especially since there is a wonderful Bible believing church just 5 minutes away. So I have been attending First Baptist Church in Euless on and off for the past month. I have to say that Reverend John Meador is the genuine article. He does not preach to be a superstar. His personal life story is amazing as well. He is mostly deaf but overcomes that challenge by delivering Gods word every Sunday to a congregation of 3000+ people. Also if you heard him you would have never guessed he was deaf until someone mentioned it. But I know a pastors life story and sermons are not the only reason to attend a church. Ricky says that God called us to First Baptist Dallas. It is a great church. But I am not wanting to drive 30 minutes every Sunday. <br /><br />Even as depressed as I have been I know that God is here. His love has sustained me and kept me from losing my mind. His ways are not our ways but He has great things planned for us and does not want us hurt (Jeremiah 29:11). Sometimes though its hard to see this with all of the struggles and depression I am dealing with.<br /><br />Heavenly Father I cry out to you for Your help. Please help me to discern and to be a bold witness for You. Help me to remember what it means to trust in You. in Jesus Name AmenSweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-61625882792369529462010-07-31T19:26:00.000-07:002010-07-31T19:52:07.047-07:00Just a bad day..Over the last year I have worked on controlling my anger. It has not been easy but my efforts have paid off for the most part. I have not hit anyone and I try to curb my tongue as to not insult anyone. However today my anger has reached its limit. It stems from incidents in the last 48 hours.<br /><br />My sister Cameron had her baby on Thursday. It is a joyous occasion but I could not be there for it due to finances. I had made up my mind that Ricky and I were going to drive to where she is sometime in the fall and bring gifts for her and the baby. But then my sister Erica called me and started going on and on about wanting to go see her this weekend. I firmly told Erica I could not go and can we wait until I am financially stable. Well she kept saying "finances are not the problem, just come with me, we will eat cheap, no excuses" and other things. She would not drop the subject after I told her it was not a good idea to go and that I would need to ask for time off. She kept nagging me until finally I gave in. So I let my boss know and he found coverage for me. I was excited but still a little apprehensive because I had no money to contribute. Erica kept assuring me it was ok and that she would pay for everything. Then she calls me and says "are you SURE you don't have money to spare?" I said "No I do not I have already told you this" She started complaining about how it was going to strain her budget but she said the trip was still on. A few hours later she calls me and says "I have been thinking. I cannot afford this trip. Would you be too offended if I went without you?" That was a stupid question. Of course I was livid. She spent over 3 hours of my time trying to convince me to go and then backs out. That makes me furious. I did not yell at her but I told her that I did not appreciate her coercing me just to back out. It seems like a petty thing to be mad about it. However it reminds me that this is not the first time she has done this to me. It was ridiculous and I was even more angry at myself for ignoring all the bad signs. I love her but right now I have no respect for her.<br /><br />I am also angry at my mother in law for constantly accusing me of starving Ricky. She keeps making comments about how he is starving when he gets off of work and that I don't give him good meals. She did this right before I went into the psychiatric hospital so the accusations bring back bad memories. It has taken every ounce of self control not to go off on her. I understand that moms love their children but that does not give her any right to treat me like I am dirt. Ricky and I have issues but we work through them. I am tired of her interfering and trying to cripple our marriage. I am sick of him depending on her all the time.<br /><br />I am still conflicted about Meri too. She has everyone fooled that she is this sweet innocent person who will do no wrong. It makes me mad that she gets away with not paying my phone bill she ran up. I care about her as a friend but she has made me angry enough that I want to smack her. She has a boyfriend who buys her whatever she wants and she does not have a job that pays well. I am breaking a commandment when I say I am jealous of the fact she can be a lazy person and get what she wants while I work hard and do not see anything for it.<br /><br />I am aware that our true riches are in Heaven. I know that God is here even if it does not feel like it. Only His presence has kept me from doing something I will regret later.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-47209779114183539792010-07-17T03:35:00.001-07:002010-07-17T04:16:19.937-07:00Crisis of faithIt has been way too long since I blogged. I guess I am not good with keeping up with this. I will try to be better because having my thoughts written down and reading them later helps me. However I find it sad that my mission statement for this blog has really not been reflected over the past year or so. So much has happened over the years that I am starting to really question my faith.<br /><br /><br />My life is not terrible but I am getting very stressed and angry. I really would like Ricky and I to be a happily married couple. I want us to break away from family restraints. I am sick of his mom wanting to be involved in EVERYTHING and assuming the worst about me. She was one of the factors that contributed to my hospitalization. I really want to have a great relationship with her but I lost all trust. I am also tired of the slackers getting everything and me nothing. I am also tired of well meaning people just telling me to put on a happy face and God will provide. Why do people even say such a stupid thing? God is good and He knows His path for us. But I have a hard time believing that God will give me a house if I just put on a happy face. Sometimes though I feel cheated and angry at Him. I know God is big enough to handle everything but I am finding it more difficult each day. I am sick of renting my apartment, tired of people leaching on to us. Why is it so hard to grant me a leg up as Ricky and I want a home?<br /><br /><br />I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">don't</span> know what to pray for anymore. I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">don't</span> even rejoice in Gods word. All of these things that have happened have a reason. But I am human enough to demand what they are. No God does not owe me an explanation or anything. However I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">don't</span> think its too much to ask for a leg up. These trials are putting me to the test and I am failing miserably. Sigh. I pray for wisdom to put up with these trials. Quite honestly I cant handle any more. My prayer is that one day I will be moving on with Ricky into a home.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103849872831652643.post-38215113935019220992010-01-11T18:18:00.000-08:002010-01-11T18:47:58.196-08:00A new yearIts been quite awhile since I have posted. Mostly because its been a painful 5 months. Ricky and I were on the brink of divorce, financial issues kept continuing and I was hospitalized from a nervous breakdown as a result. <br /><br />Ricky and I had been fighting like crazy for weeks leading up to hospitalization. We were going behind each others backs and confiding in our parents about our marriage. It turned into a major disaster as both sets of parents wanted to encourage divorce. My dad went so far as to compare our marriage to a truck that is being repossessed. It was pretty bad. His parents were telling him to leave me as well. I was visiting my dad when I had a nervous breakdown. Well I had one a few days before but I thought I could survive. When I was at Dads I was supposed to drive back home and did not make it. Instead I am in Acadia Abilene Psychiatric hospital for a month. Being admitted that day was so painful for me. I was sobbing my eyes out, Ricky was not there and I had no idea what the future held. The admission process took about 2 hours. During that time various people came in and out of the room asking me questions, taking notes, working out financial issues, and determining if I needed to be there. The decision was made that I was going to be admitted. So at the end of it the admissions counselor told me to give Dad a goodbye hug. Walking away from him was so awful. I was being led into a room of strangers that were just as unstable as I was. So then I was introduced to locked down living. I mean you could not go anywhere without staff members, phone time was limited and visitation was on certain days. There is a reason for these things though. When I was in there I had limited contact with Dad and my sister Alicia. I did not talk to Ricky until 4 days later. Those first few days with limited contact helped me clear my head and figure out what I was going to do. After being discharged from the inpatient unit, I went to outpatient for 2 weeks. I made friends and learned a lot. I was off work for 2 months also. When I came back home I was in an outpatient program at Springwood. The two months of therapy helped me. But I do have very rough days. I know though I can handle things a little better.<br /><br />I came back to work to find out that some processes had changed and that our team was splitting up and we were acquiring a new supervisor. This change has been for the better but I do miss Matthew. I thought the world of Matthew even though I did disagree with him at times. He was very understanding during lots of rough times I had gone through. He and his wife bought Ricky and I groceries during the worst part of my financial troubles. So even though my new boss Tony is wonderful it took a little time adjusting. It is weird not getting emails from Matthew. I had to adjust to asking Tony for time off and day trades. There is still some strife among team members at work but I believe we can all get through it if we do not act like children. <br /><br />Finances are still tough. Ricky had a job at Target during the holiday season but was let go on New Years day. I am behind like crazy. Part of it is my fault though because if I just adjust a few life style choices I probably would be in better shape. So I am working on changing some of my habits. <br /><br />This year I hope and pray it will be better than last year. My goals are to battle this depression, get out of debt and continue to grow in my walk with the Lord. I feel like these can be accomplished if I keep trying.Sweet Candyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04185166715211333832noreply@blogger.com1