So mixed up

This recent tragedy is not the only thing making me upset.  We are having financial issues again.  Also I do not see Ricky much as he is working over night.  I feel like the trials just keep coming.  I do not know what to pray for anymore.  I feel so let down that I am almost afraid to pray for anything.  I still do pray but I have this bad attitude of "whats the point".  I need to somehow get past this.  Otherwise the enemy wins.  I do not want to continue down this road. 

Even more ramblings, ventings and reflections

I am still having the worst time dealing with Lonnie passing away.  So many things in my life happened because Ricky worked with Lonnie.  I met Cheyenne and learned so many things about myself.  So many silly things have made me cry.  I see my Waffle House cup and I remember the 4 of us going there for lunch and Lonnie offering to pay.  I remember my teddy bear with the cowboy hat that was for my birthday.  Cheyenne told me Lonnie picked it out.  I think about when they were with Ricky and I when we started looking for houses.  I also remember Ricky helping Lonnie with rides to work, Cheyenne and I sitting drinking coffee while the guys were talking.  But then some time later Lonnie and Ricky didn't see each other.  They both got laid off from MPI and then went their separate ways.  Ricky is dealing with a ton of regret for not making more time for Lonnie.  But life has a way of passing us by.  Before we know it we lose so much time. 

I am dealing with so much guilt and anger over this.  Over the last year I was quite critical of Lonnie.  I didn't approve of certain things and I let my self righteousness take over.   I have so many regret on the way I have acted.  He was a hard worker who loved his wife.  He could put his mind to anything.  But I started becoming critical because I saw him go downhill.  He started losing his drive for life.  It was as if he was existing but not living.  It adversely affected his friendship with Ricky and caused some contention with Cheyenne.  I hated seeing someone who had so much life go into the doldrums.  I had dealt with something similar with Ricky earlier on so I would give advice as I thought was necessary.  But I feel like it was tainted with anger from my own situation.  So that makes me a hypocrite because I hate it when others do the same with me.  But before he passed away I was told he had started living again!  He was pursuing his passion for singing.  He wanted to fix up the old house they bought. He wanted to go back to MPI.  Ricky and Lonnie could have closed the distance on the friendship.

But this loss came way too soon!  I am so angry about it!  I really thought he had a chance to pull through.  When I saw him in the hospital I had hope. But for whatever reason it didn't happen.  I cannot pretend to understand or rationalize it.  It makes me furious that our prayers weren't answered the way we would like.  Its not as if we were asking for a pony we were asking to spare our friend's life!!!  Its as if we were being laughed at for asking.  I know God doesn't work that way but at this point nothing makes sense.  I want to cry and scream.  If this is how I feel I cannot imagine what Cheyenne is going through right now.  I have to deal with this on my own because I could not burden her with this.  

I know that in time the pain will lessen for all of us.  Possibly it will be revealed how this plays in the future.  But prayers are still needed because this is too much right now.

Venting, Rambling, and Reflections

Ever since my best friend lost her husband I cannot stop crying.  I didn't cry this much when my mother passed away.  Not that I didn't love her but we weren't close until the last few years.  Now don't get me wrong.  I have shed some tears over her loss and I have had so many regrets.  I guess that is why this has hit me hard this time around too.  Losing someone is never easy.  But seeing Cheyenne broken and torn up has really got to me in the worst way.  I have had to cry in private and not around Ricky because he is having a hard time too. He worked with Lonnie and so he is taking this personal.  I will be fine then something stupid will trigger a crying attack.

I am still quite angry that things happened as they did.  I rant and rave.  I ask what could have been done differently?  Why weren't our prayers answered in this manner?  Why do I have to see Cheyenne making arrangements instead of making plans?  My faith has been badly shaken.  It makes me feel like if I pray it doesn't matter.  I know that's not the case but I cannot help but be so mad.  I know being angry is the enemy's tool to get me off track.  So I am trying to pray and reflect.  But its not helping.

At this point I haven't heard the cliches that normally come with a loss.  While they are well meaning I feel mocked when I hear one.  "He is in a better place".  I get that but really?  How does that make the ones left behind feel?  I mean do they really take comfort in knowing that?  "God had a plan"  Again I believe that.  But am I really going to be comforted by that statement?  In a moment of grief I am not going to say "Oh yeah I am glad you took my loved one away".   "It was his time".  That one makes me angry.  Even though we cannot pretend to understand God's will I cannot fathom saying that to a grieving person.  As far as we are concerned no it wasn't.  Especially if it was an unexpected loss.

At this point prayer is still needed.  I need my strength to be there for Cheyenne.  My anger and frustration will not work. 

Its been tough.

One of my good friends has lost her husband this week.  It has been very tough for all of us who knew him.  I have been dealing with a ton of emotions over the past week.  One that has stuck out though is anger. When I found the news that he had passed away I felt let down by God.  I had spent most of the night petitioning for his healing and recovery.  I prayed almost non stop throughout the day up until I found out.  So in my grief and pain I am angry.  I draw no comfort in any of the things that have been said or will be said.  I feel like I would go off on someone if he or she tries to comfort me with the cliches.  I cannot try to find anything good that would come out of this.  As far as I am concerned a wife, family and friends are grieving for a loved one.  So I have been angry at God.  I have asked why and I have bluntly stated this wasnt right.  In this early stage I feel like my prayers were mocked and that I wasnt heard.  My faith has been shaken but not defeated. 

Even with all the emotions I feel I cannot imagine what my friend is going through.  She has to wake up knowing he wont be there the next morning.  She has to figure out how to go on.  Its going to take time and prayer.  She will be making hard decisions over the next year.  She has to deal with inquiries regarding her husband.  I have seen this cycle with another close friend of mine when she went through a similar situation a few years ago.  It doesnt matter the circumstances.  It is not easy to watch.

I pray for the family and friends affected.  We need healing because right now it hurts too bad. 

So much time has passed

I am so bad about keeping up blogs. I want to be better about not letting so much time lapse.  So much has happened since last time.

Ricky's mom lived with us from June until October of 2012.   It was quite stressful.  I also had my sister stay with me during part of that time as well.  During that time though it became apparent that part of the reason why we had so many issues is because she clings to Ricky.  At that time she hadn't taken an interest in life and was in her room all the time.  Also Ricky and I were arguing quite a bit.  I can tell you it was no fun.  Also I love my sister but some times I wanted to strangle her when we lived together.  We are different people so sometimes our personalities do not go well together.  But in October Ricky's mom moved out of our house to make room for a family of 5 who stayed with us for awhile.  It wasn't bad but I learned quickly that my house is too small for 7 people, 4 dogs, and a cat.  But some good things came out of this.  My mother in law moved in with her parents to help them out.  She has turned into a different person!  Sure she has her bad days but she isn't idle.  She has friends, interests and is forging a life for herself.  It has also strengthened our relationship for which I am grateful. 

I enjoy our church.  Our pastor preaches from the Bible.  While focused on Gods word it is not judgmental.  It is involved in missions and outreach.  Ricky and I are constantly involved with church activities.  We are in the choir together.   He is a part of the security team and I work with the Awanas kids.  I have sang during church services.  We have helped with events such as fellowship dinners, revivals, and meetings.  We have made some friends through the choir, security team and Awanas.

I am still with my current company.  I enjoy what I do.  However recent changes at the job have got me thinking about what is next in my career.  I have been torn between pursuing culinary school or business management. I am not sure what I should do.  This is not me hating my current job.  It has served Ricky and I well over the years.  I met some great people and I have learned so much.  So to leave and venture on a different career is scary.  I have been praying for direction.  I want to learn new things in the culinary world bu I do not desire to open a restaurant.  I want to use the knowledge to minister to people but I do not know what yet.  Ricky had suggested learning how to cook foods from different cultures.  Its a great idea so I am thinking about it. 

Over the past few months I have seen my friends with their children.  I am longing for Ricky and I to start a family.  Fears and finances have kept us from pursuing this.  I feel like we should just go for it and trust that God will provide.  I know that sounds trite and cliche but it is true.  We have struggled financially on and off over the past few years.  But when I look back on our struggles I realize He has provided.  Sometimes I don't show my appreciation and gratitude.  So I pray that we will be blessed with a little one soon.

I will be better about posting.  I want to keep blogging and continue this journey we are on. 

Unlearning behaviors

I just read a good friend's blog and its so much more encouraging than anything I have written over the past two years.   I have let my anger, bitterness, and frustration rule over my life.  It is no fun to live this way.  I dont spend day after day miserable.  Some days though I am just consumed with all of of these things its hard to function.

My mother in law is finally moving in.  She says its temporary.   But because I still do not trust her I have a hard time believing it.  If I wasnt so jaded I would see it for what it is.  A family member is temporarily down on her luck and Ricky and I have a place for her to stay.  However I have seen her behavior toward Ricky as clingy and needy.  I feel like she will never let go of him.  Living with us is just a way to ruin our marriage.   I have to let go of the past but it is so hard when you see similar behaviors presently.  Ricky's mom and dad both tried to tell him to leave me and not work out the marriage.  That has pretty much instilled a mistrust in  both of his parents.  So when she says she wants to move in I automatically assume she is there to put a kink in our lives for the worst.  I guess I would have let this go and moved on but then over the years there have been subtle reminders of how much he was babied and how his life was so much easier before he married me.  As mentioned before I am accused of abusing, starving him, and discouraging him.  Its not all the time but it seems when I let my guard down she starts in on me.  Maybe I am just oversensitive and not seeing it as motherly love.  So I am praying that I can let go of this.  For Ricky's sake I want to make our household smooth while she recuperates and gets on her feet.  But lets be honest its very hard.  Just the thought of her moving in makes me want to cry for days.  So prayers would be appreciated. 

I really have been putting Ricky through the ringer.  He hears about my constant whining about his mother moving in.  I am trying to curb that behavior.  He has been patient with me and has assured me he loves me.  But her moving in makes me feel so inadequate and not needed. Ricky has told me many times that this was temporary and is in no way a reflection of his love for me.  But again in my jaded behavior I feel like he wanted his mom there because I do not do enough.  Thats an insecurity I HAVE to get over.  It is ruining me daily and its no fun.  I have to give Ricky lots of credit.  He has been finding so many ways to give me hope and assure me that we will be fine.  The enemy has me thinking that her moving in is the road to divorce court.  He has told me this isnt so but I get caught up in all of the evil things from the past and think the worst.  So during this time this will be a test of faith. 

I know it could be much worse.  Having someone move in temporarily isn't the end of the world.  As long as you have ground rules and understanding it should be smooth.  But I have had room mates before.  Again I am dwelling on the past.  One brought drugs in my house and another left me a 700 dollar phone bill and a mess.  Oh and my dad did move in for a short time.  That was NO fun as he was constantly trying to tell us how to run our lives. So these things from the past are sneaking up on me and bringing me down.  But I truly believe if I pray, seek God, and stay close to Him I will be in great shape.  He knows what he is doing even if I am not liking it right now. 

Thoughts about divorce

This may offend some people what I am about to write.  But it has been tugging at my heart to talk about this.  I want to talk about divorce and why I am praying about a way to curb it in today's society.  I am sick of seeing broken homes, hurt children, and selfish people who do not care. 

Divorce affects the children long after they are grown.  The following examples are just a small portion of the junk Ricky and I deal with from our parents. Its pretty sad my dad says "when your relationship ends please let me know".  Really that's how you want to be encouraging to your daughter?  How selfish!   I also find it upsetting that Ricky's mom still holds so much anger and bitter feelings toward his dad.  its been 16 years.  Her anger has put a negative impact on Ricky's relationship with his dad.  She will constantly talk bad about him and cause doubt and fear with Ricky and his dad.  Its very disheartening to see an event from years past still play a major role in our lives today.   It causes trust issues with Ricky.  I assume he is going to betray me and during a weak moment I might buy into the horrible advice my dad gives. 



I am sure most people who have made this painful decision were seriously trying to consider what was best at that time.  I know couples that have split due to abuse, infidelity, and abandonment.  It is hurtful to see.  So I am certainly not condemning because I can only imagine how horrible it was to get to that point where a split was the best decision. But what angers me is that a lot of the time people have split over really stupid things.  When you got married you made a commitment!  So splitting because your spouse gained 15 pounds post wedding is not acceptable.  Also just because your heart doesn't flutter at the site of your spouse does NOT mean you fell out of love.  If you are in a marriage that is developing and growing you will graduate from heart fluttering to something much more meaningful.  I know couples who have split because of money.  That is understandable but it CAN be prevented.   This means communicating and coming up with a plan.  I can speak from experience on that because while we had financial challenges I was not ready to throw in the towel. 


Folks you didn't take a vow just to break it when the waters get rough.  You are misrepresenting marriage in the worst way.  If you see a crack in your marriage you FIX it!  You didn't commit your life to just one person to hurt them later on for your selfish desires.  I do not care if your wife gained 15 pounds.  Instead of berating her find out why?  How do you know its not a medical condition or depression?  You cant find out unless you communicate!  Wives your husband is not perfect.  Get used to it.  You didn't marry him to "change" him.  It doesn't work.  A man might mold his life in the right direction but he has to be willing.  No amount of cajoling, bribing or threats will get the job done. 

I love Ricky.  I also get angry at him.  Sometimes his attention span is horrible and he tunes me out. He will thrown his socks on the floor.  He might forget to fix something he was asked to do.  But those are things that can be overlooked or worked through with prayer and guidance.  I know Ricky loves me.  However I know he gets annoyed with my mood swings and house habits.  But these are NOT capital offenses.  We have talked, prayed and worked through our differences.  Our marriage is no where near perfect.  We have a long road ahead of us.  But with the Lord's help we will succeed.