Does it ever end?

At this point I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel like every time things get better a curve ball is being thrown our way. At this point I am wondering if I should just expect the worst and not be disapointed? Things were really starting to look up. I have this feeling that any time I am content, pleased, happy with things. I always have this feeling of doom and prayers are needed in the worst way. I cant take much more of this.

TV

TV today is horrible. After watching shows this week I don't know why I even bother. I had a very unpleasant experience with the programs I viewed.

I love music and I like Katherine McPhee. So I started watching Smash on Mondays. The first few episodes were good. However this week it went too far. The direction was quite disgusting. I didn't need to see Katherine McPhee do a striptease in her room. I wasn't impressed with her character flaunting herself at her boyfriends dinner. Then we cut to a different scene where another female is entertaining an affair and misses out on her son getting arrested. The star sleeps with the director to get the part in the play. I could go on and on. But what really did it for me is a scene where it shows two guys covered with a sheet talking about how great the sex was. Luckily we were not treated to the actual scene but the aftermath turned my stomach. Call me judgemental prig all you want but I was appalled by this weeks episode. Oh did I mention where Debra Messings character is making out with someone else besides her husband at the end of the show and the son sees her? It makes me sad to see a show with such potential turn into trash.

Switched at Birth was a dissapointment this week as well. What message is the show sending when at the end two teenagers sleep with each other because they are mad at the world? Also why must the producers really push the "bad boy" image with one of the main characters who happens to be deaf? Are they trying to send a message that deaf people are evil? Whats the point? They take an admirable person and turn him into a jerk. Drugs and Alcohol are brought on the scene too. What is ironic is that this is supposed to be on ABC Family. But the shows on this channel are not really family friendly. I am all for a show that deals with real issues but it can be done without the smut.

TLC is one of the worst networks ever. They have gems like "Kate plus 8" "LA Ink" "Sister Wives". I could go on and on. There are very few shows on that channel I would bother to view. Anything else is a waste of time. I find it sad that TLC feels like they have to make a buck on trash. Do children need to be exploited? What do you hope to accomplish by showing something glorifying polygamy? I guess its a blessing in disguise I do not have cable.

Lets pray for some change in our entertainment world. It does not have to be trashy to make a buck.

I am trying!!

Things have been looking up. There have been no threats of divorce in the last few weeks. Ricky's health has improved since he has been taking a new health supplement. His residual back pain is gone. The blood pressure numbers are great. His diabetes are stabilized. The best part is there have not been any more awful fights. We are going back to church and reconnecting. You would think that I should be rejoicing and thanking God for the reprieve. But I am not. Instead I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like every time things are on track, the Lord just wants to throw another curb ball. Quite frankly I am sick of the curve balls, challenges, and struggles. I have gotten to a point where when things are great I expect something bad to happen soon. I hate feeling this way! I am trying to be grateful for the blessings that have come my way. I have been praying every night. But I still feel so disconnected from God and I hate that. I dont want to be at war with Him. But my trust is so shattered. I am praying that my heart is changed. I am trying to be better.

Its been awhile

I noticed I hadn't blogged in over a year. Its been a year of challenges, triumphs and dissapointments.

Ricky and I did get a house in September. We got a home through LGI. They work with credit challenged people to try to get them their dream of home ownership. Its not a fancy home at all. Its just 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. It does have a nice kitchen and a lovely master suite. Its not a mansion but for a first home we could have done a lot worse. Payments are 885 a month. So I am pleased.

We also were challenged with our generosity. We helped a couple who were in dire straits. However it turned into a bad situation. We lost a big chunk of money and the people we helped no longer want to have anything to do with us. As long as the money coming their way they would sing praises of "we love you" and you are awesome. Once it stopped they stopped talking to us. We were helping them because we thought it was the right thing to do considering we have been in hard financial situations as well.

My faith in God has been tested over the past 3 months. More threats of divorce, financial issues, and work problems have pushed me to the limit. I am getting very discouraged. I do not expect Eutopia but I am getting impatient. I pretty much am reduced to begging for the Lord to help me now! I cant take any more of this stress and it just seems cruel to continue for a "purpose". My relationship with the Lord is on rocky ground. I dont doubt His existence or love. But I am not liking how I feel right now. I really dont want to endure any more. References of Biblical characters like Job and Joseph just make me even more angry. Yes they suffered and risen above the circumstances. But I dont want to go through a huge roller coaster of trials. I may be selfish stating this but I cant help how I feel.

Ricky and I could be doing much better. You would think our first home would unite us. Instead there are threats that I cannot handle. Its too much for me to deal with and I am getting angry. I just want the nonsense to stop and a little break. I do so much and I feel like its not appreciated. I dont think anyone gives a flying crap about what I want. I want to just throw in the towel.

I need prayer in the worst way. I am beyond discouraged.

Thoughts

I am still battling depression like crazy. I still cant stop eating and sleeping. It is scaring me. I do not get why I feel the way I do. I have bouts where I want to cry and times that I lash out over the smallest things. I lose my temper if my car does not start or if I misplace my keys. This is not someone I like

I did not get the job in Kansas City. I took that loss really hard. I was ready to kiss Texas goodbye and start somewhere new. This past Christmas was a prime example of what I wanted to leave behind too. It was probably one of the worst holidays I have ever celebrated. Ricky and I got snubbed like crazy. We have put up with it for years and finally have had enough. So we have made a decision not to show up at next years get together. Unless something drastically changes the family is just going to have to do without us.

I am still struggling with my anger toward my mother in law. I can't stand to be around her. She is always so depressed and negative. I can't handle her being so clingy either. The behavior angers me to the point I get anxiety attacks. This battle is an uphill one. I do not want to be angry with her and I do want a relationship with her. But it is so hard because I have this fear in the back of my mind that she will try to conspire to get rid of me like she did last year. This issue is still needing lots of prayer.

There is a possibility that Ricky and I may be getting a house. We have had so many issues getting financed. We found this builder who is willing to work with the credit challenged. The catch is that you have to want to do your share of the work. No one just hands you a house. We have a meeting with a sales counselor this weekend to get some more details and decide once and for all if this is the route to take.

I have a sleep study coming up this week. I may have sleep apnea. I also plan on looking for a psychiatrist the first of the year. The good news is that our new insurance will carry our current doctors. The dispute between the hospital system and the insurance company has been settled which was a prayer answered.

I ask for prayers during this tough time. I do not even have the words to type my own I am so depressed. I just ask for guidance during this time.

So much frustration

I changed the mission statement on my page. I did not feel like I was doing it justice. I have have done a poor job of spreading the Good News. Over the past 2 years since I have started this I have been struggling with depression. So my posts have not been as encouraging as I would have liked. However the blog is a look into the life of a Christian who has struggles and challenges.

I found out some news that has angered me. My mother in law will be going on short term disability for 3 months. Also its a possibility that she may be on disability permanently. This news bothers me for a few reasons. One because once she is no longer working she will constantly borrow money from Ricky and I. We will never be able to get our own lives because we will feel some type of obligation to help her. Also she will want to either have us move in with her or guilt us into having her stay with us. Then there is the clingy behavior that I have had to battle with over the years. She refuses to let go of Ricky and wants to jeopardize his chances of building a relationship with his dad. I also find it quite odd that she is going out on leave right after we got the news we were staying in Texas. I am praying that I can look at the situation in a positive light. It is not easy.

I am still battling with depression. I keep eating like its my last meal. I sleep so late its not funny. The worst part is I can sleep 10 hours and feel like I haven't slept at all. It is scary. I feel like crying sometimes.

I found out some news regarding our health insurance that concerns me. We will be switching over to a new carrier January 1st. The insurance carrier is in a dispute with one of the local hospitals here. If they do not resolve their differences we will have to start looking for new doctors. I really hope that is not the case. We have great physicians who care about us and have treated us so well over the years. I don't want to have to establish a history with a new doctor if it is not necessary. I know I should be grateful I even have insurance. But what good is it if I am not getting the care I am paying for and should be expecting?

I need prayer in the worst way or I will spend the rest of this blog complaining. Please pray.

Stuff on my mind

I had not written in awhile. After my issue in September I just decided to stay away from the blog. But I am frustrated that I let people intimidate me into taking down my post. What I had written was truth and it needed to be out there. I am sick of sugarcoating and tiptoeing around. Its ridiculous.

I am still battling depression with a vengeance. I have been sleeping way too late and eating too much. I am sure I have gained a bit of weight. My clothes still fit but I can tell there is a physical change in me that I do not like. The eating is getting out of control. I am always hungry and I really have no idea why. I just want to eat all day. I really have no reason to be depressed as circumstances across the board are in our favor for the first time in ages. But there is still this cloud that seems to follow me no matter what.

Ricky and I are in a better place financially. We are nowhere near rich but we are getting out of debt. We have been on time with bills. Some are even paid ahead. Ricky has been working with Ameritex Guard services. He is a security guard. He makes less than I do but brings home more due to the fact I carry the health insurance. We are still needing to be wise with our money but we don't have that fear of doing without as we have dealt with in the past.

I am worried about Alicia. She had separated from her husband but then decided to go back to him. I do not advocate divorce but the circumstances in the marriage were severe enough that I had encouraged stepping away from the relationship. When there is a time when a life is in danger I do not feel it appropriate to stick around. Her husband is not an evil person but he is very misguided and needs to get counseling for his anger. She is also in a tough place financially. I have encouraged her to get help but she is hesitant. I can understand. Asking for help can be equivalent to admitting defeat in the minds of some. But I hope she seeks it soon so she can move on.

Ricky had been in the hospital in September. He was diagnosed with stroke symptoms so he was observed at Arlington Memorial Hospital for a few days. It was no fun seeing him in that position. However he was in great hands there. We had a few hiccups with some of the staff but for the most part he was taken care of just fine. I ended up staying there with him the whole time. For a couple of nights Ricky was kept up due to the neighbor in the next room who was out of her mind hollering for various people. That was no picnic. But luckily the hospital ruled out a stroke. Ricky was out of work for a month but he is doing great now. He has been taking his medicine and eating right for the most part. He is human though and will slip a hamburger or fried tenders in. But I have been making sure that we get the proper nutrients in our diets.

One thing I have noticed during this whole ordeal with Ricky being sick is that he seems to recover much better when he is not around negative influences. When he is constantly told he is a sickly individual and there is not much hope he does not want to get better. We realized this when Ricky put distance between him and his mom for awhile. She was understandably upset that he was sick. But then she would take it too far by freaking out and being discouraging. She would pity him and baby him. All that did was hinder his recovery. So when he stepped back from her for awhile he started feeling better. He had his challenges of course but he was thriving! He was able to go back to work after a month and his symptoms that have hindered him have been non existent. Of course he still communicates with his mom but its not an every day occurrence. He can build a healthy relationship with her and still be an adult and live his life.

I have applied for a job in Kansas City. I felt that Ricky and I moving there would be a nice fresh start for us. After seeing Ricky's family freak out while he was in the hospital prompted me to put in an application. I have had enough of interference and people trying to run our lives. Not only that we would be closer to his dad. Ricky needs to build a relationship with Rick and has not been able to do so because he has been here in Texas coddling the family. We are done with that so we want to start a new life elsewhere. Kansas City is a great place. I feel like its a compromise because Ricky loves the country and I grew up in the suburbs. The KC metro area has the feeling of both. Right outside of the area is lots of land and farms. Then you have your restaurants and entertainment in KC. So I hope to get the position. I am excited about a possible change of scenery.

My spiritual life has been lukewarm at best. I have been attending church. But I am uncomfortable getting involved with a Sunday School class or group. All though I would really like to join the choir. I am unable to due to my current schedule. I feel like I am stagnant with my walk with God. At times I am disconnected and lost. I pray for guidance and hope because this is not a fun place to be.