Monday, January 11, 2010

A new year

Its been quite awhile since I have posted. Mostly because its been a painful 5 months. Ricky and I were on the brink of divorce, financial issues kept continuing and I was hospitalized from a nervous breakdown as a result.

Ricky and I had been fighting like crazy for weeks leading up to hospitalization. We were going behind each others backs and confiding in our parents about our marriage. It turned into a major disaster as both sets of parents wanted to encourage divorce. My dad went so far as to compare our marriage to a truck that is being repossessed. It was pretty bad. His parents were telling him to leave me as well. I was visiting my dad when I had a nervous breakdown. Well I had one a few days before but I thought I could survive. When I was at Dads I was supposed to drive back home and did not make it. Instead I am in Acadia Abilene Psychiatric hospital for a month. Being admitted that day was so painful for me. I was sobbing my eyes out, Ricky was not there and I had no idea what the future held. The admission process took about 2 hours. During that time various people came in and out of the room asking me questions, taking notes, working out financial issues, and determining if I needed to be there. The decision was made that I was going to be admitted. So at the end of it the admissions counselor told me to give Dad a goodbye hug. Walking away from him was so awful. I was being led into a room of strangers that were just as unstable as I was. So then I was introduced to locked down living. I mean you could not go anywhere without staff members, phone time was limited and visitation was on certain days. There is a reason for these things though. When I was in there I had limited contact with Dad and my sister Alicia. I did not talk to Ricky until 4 days later. Those first few days with limited contact helped me clear my head and figure out what I was going to do. After being discharged from the inpatient unit, I went to outpatient for 2 weeks. I made friends and learned a lot. I was off work for 2 months also. When I came back home I was in an outpatient program at Springwood. The two months of therapy helped me. But I do have very rough days. I know though I can handle things a little better.

I came back to work to find out that some processes had changed and that our team was splitting up and we were acquiring a new supervisor. This change has been for the better but I do miss Matthew. I thought the world of Matthew even though I did disagree with him at times. He was very understanding during lots of rough times I had gone through. He and his wife bought Ricky and I groceries during the worst part of my financial troubles. So even though my new boss Tony is wonderful it took a little time adjusting. It is weird not getting emails from Matthew. I had to adjust to asking Tony for time off and day trades. There is still some strife among team members at work but I believe we can all get through it if we do not act like children.

Finances are still tough. Ricky had a job at Target during the holiday season but was let go on New Years day. I am behind like crazy. Part of it is my fault though because if I just adjust a few life style choices I probably would be in better shape. So I am working on changing some of my habits.

This year I hope and pray it will be better than last year. My goals are to battle this depression, get out of debt and continue to grow in my walk with the Lord. I feel like these can be accomplished if I keep trying.