Last night I was at a party for a former coworker. I was having a conversation with a group of girls about religion and faith. It was interesting because 2 of the girls were Jewish and one is agnostic from what I understand. These girls gave me a reason as to why they could not be a Christian. I realized I was one of the worst witnesses for the gospel because I had a hard time expressing why trusting in the Lord was important. I admitted I was a Christian but I said nothing else. I have always had an aversion to witnessing and last night was no different. Instead of being a bold Christian, I clammed up. I am not ashamed of the gospel. I have no problem with people knowing my faith. But I can never seem to articulate a defense for Gods word. Last night would have been a perfect time to witness.
My walk with God is marginal at best. I go to church every Sunday and I pray but it seems so lukewarm. Plus I have raged at God for silly things and do not praise Him when it is deserved. Ricky and I can have faith conversations but we don't pray together. That has troubled me too. Why does it seem more comfortable to pray with the pastor at church than with family members or spouse? Plus I have not been tithing. I know my money has been given to me to use wisely. But I don't tithe 10% because I am holding on to fears of going back to being poor.
I find myself questioning my faith. I keep getting mixed signals on where I stand with the Lord. What bothers me is hearing people say "Trust in the Lord and you will always be happy". In a sense that is true because I have the knowledge of spending eternity with our Savior. But right now I still struggle with depression, anger, and temptation. It seems to be condescending to suggest that I am experiencing these things because of a lack of faith.
I am also struggling with my church home. I have not been to First Baptist Dallas for awhile. I like the church but it is a 30 minute drive. Its worth it but I am starting to resent the trip there especially since there is a wonderful Bible believing church just 5 minutes away. So I have been attending First Baptist Church in Euless on and off for the past month. I have to say that Reverend John Meador is the genuine article. He does not preach to be a superstar. His personal life story is amazing as well. He is mostly deaf but overcomes that challenge by delivering Gods word every Sunday to a congregation of 3000+ people. Also if you heard him you would have never guessed he was deaf until someone mentioned it. But I know a pastors life story and sermons are not the only reason to attend a church. Ricky says that God called us to First Baptist Dallas. It is a great church. But I am not wanting to drive 30 minutes every Sunday.
Even as depressed as I have been I know that God is here. His love has sustained me and kept me from losing my mind. His ways are not our ways but He has great things planned for us and does not want us hurt (Jeremiah 29:11). Sometimes though its hard to see this with all of the struggles and depression I am dealing with.
Heavenly Father I cry out to you for Your help. Please help me to discern and to be a bold witness for You. Help me to remember what it means to trust in You. in Jesus Name Amen