Sunday, July 27, 2008

Not sure what to do

I am glad I am a Christian. If I wasn't I would probably be worse off. I say this the because knowing that God is on my side in these trying times has kept me from jumping off a cliff. Believing in God does not mean everything goes away. Rather its accepting Jesus as your Saviour and understanding that the trials we are given are to strengthen us. Being frustrated when things don't work out the way you would like does not make someone a bad person. Questions of why God does things is human. It makes me mad that there are people out there who say that you are a sinner if you get upset. Let me be the first to say that we are all sinners, hence the reason for Jesus. However His love is so great that he can HANDLE us during our times of stress and trials. If someone is telling you that you are not a Christian for being upset they are WRONG. I will say if you drown in self pity though that isn't biblical either. These past few weeks I have gotten close to feeling sorry for my self but my friends have helped me not sink into a pity party. But here is an update.

Ricky and I got into a huge argument on Tuesday. There are days he feels just fine and I get frustrated because he is not working. We are so behind on bills its not funny. After paying every other bill this past weekend, I don't have money for the rent. I can pay it next pay check but that means stupid late fees again. I told Ricky to PLEASE find a part time job. I cannot continue to work and keep up the bills. His response was for us to move in with his mother. Every time I hear that suggestion from him or her I get so mad. I accused him of not wanting to work and living like a bum. I know that was not wise but I am almost out of patience with our financial challenges. We started hollering and screaming at each other. He called me selfish and uncaring. He threatened to leave me but then said "I am only staying with you for insurance purposes. " So that started another round of ugliness and screaming. So because of that argument I was an hour late and got grief from my coworkers. I cried the whole day because I hate fighting with Ricky. We talked it over later and apologized to each other. Of course we are staying together. But that argument was just a reminder that I shouldn't try to control everything.

Today was just another reminder that Ricky's condition is real and there is something wrong. He could barely get out of bed today. I ended up going to church without him because he could barely move. So I feel guilty for accusing him of laziness. Its just that the pain is so inconsistent. He is living in limbo. He does not want to get a job outside of the home because of the condition he is in. What makes me mad about all of this is that Ricky's mom may get her victory temporarily. She has wanted us to live with her ever since the day we got married. I am sorry but I feel like we need our own place. But with the bills piling up I cannot afford to keep this apartment after October. Plus I owe 2 places money that may keep me from getting another place to live. So until we catch up we may have to pack up our things in storage and move in with hher. Let me make it clear though it will NOT be permanent. We will actively pursue another place to live while living there. I will try to make the best of the situation but it does not mean I have to like it. It makes me angry just thinking about it but I know that God's will is for us to be protected. I know in my heart that He does not expect us to live there forever. So starting in August we will start packing up stuff and moving it to storage over the next two months. I am crying as I type this because this not something I am thrilled with. Plus I have to deal with Ricky's mom being smug and making comments. Oh and I don't want to even think of what Dad might say. Dad has had it out for Ricky ever since the day that I was proposed to. That's another story for another day. But I know I can deal with this. It really sucks but there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Work is challenging. We got a new manager last week. There will be changes in the way we do things. Maybe the childish bickering and snobbishness will stop too. I sometimes feel like I am in high school because some of my coworkers act like they are part of the cool kids crowd. The way they act and talk is reminiscent of my teen years. I have learned that even as adults there are people who have not grown up yet.

I have been sick this past week. I hope i can get better with over the counter meds because I am not able to afford even a doctors visit. I have congestion, sore throat and my jaw feels like I have been punched. I think a wisdom tooth may be fighting for its place in my mouth. Hope I feel better soon.

Rob Rion is traveling in Minnesota. We talked before he left and he was really awesome. He said that he considers Ricky and I friends. Rob and I work almost the same shift so approximately at 9:45 once or twice a week I will call and make my night request. If he is busy we will just exchange pleasantries. If he is not we will catch up on whats happening in our lives. He always prays for us and continues to get our requests. Yes if anyone was curious he is married. Jeff Day has been on vacation for 2 weeks. I am anxious to hear about Lisa. Jeff's wife has skin cancer and last time I heard she was in remission. So I hope she stays there. Jeff is an asset to KCBI and people love him. I pray for them frequently. I also met Scott Broyles via phone. He does production work around the station. Now this guy was just too cool. He is like me and loves to talk. We spoke for about 15 minutes! What an awesome person. He is the example of Christ's love. He is Ricky's age and is married with 2 kids and a third one on the way. Believe me I only called to request a song and ask how he was doing. But I found out so much more from him. He was willing to share some of his personal life with me. I wont publish it on here out of respect but I will say it was a blessing. Him and his wife Sarah are in my prayers. Michelle O'Connell is another person I have met. She was covering for Jeff Day last week and was upset because she had to wake up an engineer for assistance. She is such a nice person. Contrary to how this sounds I am not some crazy nut that has nothing better to do with my time than call stations. I have called to get a Bible verse or make a song choice. But some of the people I talk to will open up to me. Its great! I still thank the Lord for leading me to KCBI. I just turned it on one day and never changed the channel. I am glad I did.

Maria and Paul are doing good. Paul got a job at Best Buy. I am glad things are going their way. Maria and I have poured out our troubles to each other and spoke about the trials in our lives. She never gives me stupid phrases or tells me fake junk. She is a real example of a Christian. She does not put on airs or try to tell the people that they are wrong for being upset. I wish they were here in Texas but I know God is utilizing their talents in Florida. Oh come on who am I kidding! They are in FLORIDA! Near the BEACH! Of course they wouldn't come to Texas! I am not fooled you two! :-) You may think you are fooling me by saying you are doing Gods work. But the truth comes out! Fun in the sun all day! Really I am just teasing because their life story has been anything but beach fun. I continue to pray for them.

Meri is still with Nick. I understand why she stayed here in DFW because if she lived with her mom she would never learn independence. Her mom loves her but freaks out if Meri wants to walk to the Library. How old are we now? Last time I checked 26 was legal adult age. Ricky and I offered our home to her again but she refused because she wanted to stay with Nick. Now I did not give that ultimatum of breaking up with him. Ricky did. I understand why he did too because Ricky does not want drugs around our home. Plus Nick made some mistakes that make Ricky leery of trusting him. Its a messy situation. I hope they work their differences out. I have ceased in giving advice in her situation. It didn't help so I will just be a friend from afar.

I will be going on a retreat next weekend. I cant wait. Some spiritual refreshment will be welcome after the past two months. I have a friend who offered to pay for it. She actually insisted so I couldn't pass her up on it. I will report after I get back.

Heavenly Father, We continue to praise You for all of Your great work. We know you are the Great Physician and that Your will be done in all of our situations. I want to lift up Jeff and Lisa again. I am thankful they were able to have a couple of weeks of restoration. I know You had a hand in making sure he could be restored to do Your work. I pray for safe travel for Rob. I also pray for a safe return home to DFW for him. I lift up Scott and Sarah as they are anticipating a new life! I pray that the pregnancy is uneventful for her and for a healthy child. I also lift up Paul and Maria. They are moving in the right direction but I pray that they can be financially assisted in some way so they can continue to go forward. I ask for continued healing on my mother who is in the hospital. She and I may not have a close relationship but I still want her to be restored. I pray she knows you as Lord and Saviour. Finally I ask for continued healing on Ricky and I. We need healing in our marriage because we are falling apart due to our finances. We ask for Your continued blessing and hand on Ricky as he is battling this unknown condition. I pray that You will give the doctors wisdom to find out what is wrong so he can be free of this prison he is in. Lord we thank You for Jesus who loved us so much to give his life for us. In the midst of all of this we remember the sacrifice. It is His name we ask all of this in,


Sunday, July 20, 2008

And the stress continues

Okay this blog is supposed to be encouraging. Right now though I do not feel the least bit ready to give false platitudes. I also don't want to act like everything is okay when it seems uncertain. 1st Peter 5:7 says Cast all your anxieties on God for He cares for you (NIV). I have asked Him for direction but have not gotten a response. Or if I have I hadn't been listening because the saga continues. We keep having to give the apartment complex money we don't have because they charge way too much in late fees. It sucks because I have to pay late fees to make sure other things like electricity, car, Internet, and phone are paid. Those things are important. 3 of them contribute to my job. If I have to work from home, the Internet stays on so I can dock the computer. The car needs to paid so I can get to work. The phone is for people to get a hold of me when I am working. It is a vicious cycle. Plus the gas prices are so ridiculous!! I feel like throwing up my hands and giving up but I know I cannot. We have had to borrow money from 3 people to keep afloat. Well that was not a good idea because Ricky's mom wants us to move in with her so it will be better. IF that happened it would be temporary. She has been shooting for us to move in with her since the beginning. I am sorry but I am not jumping up for joy at this idea. She says it would be our house but she would just live there. I don't think I am buying that for a second. She always had a problem with her son doing his own thing. She got angry when he got his own bank account. She flipped a lid when he moved out. Now she wants him back in because she makes comments about him OWING her and blaming him for her own problems. Sorry but I do not want to live with that. The thought of moving in with her has caused about 10 anxiety attacks and crying at work. Also we owe money to various places that may keep us from moving on. So its a vicious cycle all around.

Meri still wants to stay with Nick. She wants to give him another chance even after they pretty much crashed and burned. It seems like Nick is more important than the kids. Every decision made has had Nick's name on it. I finally cut off her phone. I am not going to support a vagabond lifestyle anymore. Those kids need her and I am sick of the stupid "poor me" excuses. She has emotional problems like I do but she is not so messed up that she cannot take care of the kids. Those kids do not need to be in Alabama. However I am not able to say anything. Its not my life. Besides no one listens to me anyway so whats the point?

Ricky is still hurting as well. However I am getting tired of being the only one working. Here is why. I feel like sometimes Ricky does not want to return to the work force so he hides behind his illness. I don't know because I can't feel his pains like he does but every time I mention working from home or any other thing, he says "no too bad can't work". Its not even the money but its the fact that he wants to continue putting himself down. It gets old fast and I want to shake him and tell him that he is worthy. But this time is trying for both of us. The doctors still cannot find whats wrong and keep plying him with pills. We are unable to afford the prescriptions even with insurance. So I am getting stressed by the minute.

We went to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert. That was the bright spot of the week. That guy has gone through a lot with losing his little girl. It does not matter that he has money or that he is famous. He almost lost it at the concert talking about Maria. Losing a child is awful no matter who you are. Steven can sing and is multi-talented. He treated us to antidotes of his life and an acoustic performance. We paid for the tickets but Steven did not get a dime. He agreed to do the concert for free. Proceeds went to the Mid Cities Pregnancy Center. That was a very memorable performance. We want to see him again. I would love to see him with Michael W. Smith. It would be awesome!

KCBI continues to be awesome. Rob Rion is so nice. He was really sweet at the concert. Plus he is always cheering us up. We pray for him so he can get more sleep. The poor guy is so overworked. We don't want to lose our favorite DJ to exhaustion!! Jeff Day told me that his wife Lisa is doing well with the cancer treatments. I am so glad to hear that. We prayed for Jeff at church a couple of weeks back. We don't know him personally but the times he took to be nice to me I feel like he is an old friend. I also have been searching for christian radio stations around the country to listen too while we are traveling. I have found about 10 so far but WJIE in Louisville has stood out the most. Plus I can stream WJIE if I want to listen to music. KCBI has great teachings but there will be days I want music. I still listen to other stuff but knowing the scoop on uplifting music is great! WPOZ 88.3 is awesome as well. So little things like radio station searching has helped me some what.

Work I am getting my resume together and I am going to start job hunting. Mostly because I feel like I need to go some where else. Sprint has not been bad at all. In fact it is a good job. I am getting depressed and antsy. Ricky and I want a change of scenery from Texas. Not to mention wanting to get out of this ridiculous overpriced apartment. It doesn't help that we have had to call the cops on the neighbors. A change will be good. Some year I want to go back to school as well. I did not mean to drop out. I just took a semester off and it turned into 4 years. Sigh...I want to cry. Its depressing seeing people your age with doctorates and professional positions. Also it sucks when you are around people who flash their money. Go back to a previous post where I mentioned how that impacted me.

The previous paragraphs may sound like me drowning in self pity but that is not my intention. I promise. I just vented my frustrations. Not sure if it helped but I feel a little better. I pray for all of us. I hope things work out soon.

Heavenly Father, Even in my darkest moments I know You are here with me. I thank You for Your everlasting love. I continue to lift up Meri and Nick. May they know You and accept Your love. Continue to put Your healing hand on Ricky. His spirit needs healing as well as his body. I pray for Lisa's continued recovery and Jeff during this trial. I lift up Rob and Kandy as well. I pray that You can help Rob get some sleep. I ask this all in Jesus Holy Name


Friday, July 11, 2008

Must learn to control stress

Things are not as bad as they could be. However I feel so overwhelmed with being the only one working, living in a place that is awful, and trying to catch up on bills. Work is stressful because my coworkers are wary of me. I am praying for some direction on where we are supposed to go.

Last week, my friend Meri called me because she was very sick and needed to be taken to the hospital. She proceeded to tell me about her relationship with Nick and how it is going south. Right now she is in a situation where things aren't looking very bright but can be changed. She is scared to learn how to drive, afraid of responsibility, and is depressed. She is my friend and I want wants best for her but these things can't change unless there is effort. I have been praying for her and hoping some how she will move past the slump she is in. Both Nick and Meri have unresolved problems which is affecting them and snuffing out hope of any healthy relationship. I am not saying its impossible to overcome these issues but it will be rocky. The other thing I have a problem with is that Nick ditched Meri during a very crucial point in her life. Sure things happen but there really was no excuse. I pray that they find direction. Honestly I feel like they need to be single and work their problems out. If its meant to be then they will be together again. This situation makes me stressed because I have tried to help so many times and it seems to get overlooked. So I have to step back and let them make their own mistakes.

Ricky still is suffering. He gets abdomen pains every other day and they keep him in bed. His side is inflamed according to the doctor. He has been taking antibiotics. If the medicine does not help the swelling, he may be going in for surgery. I hate seeing him suffer. He feels useless because he is not working. I do not hold that against him or accuse him of slacking anymore because I have seen evidence of this constant pain. Before I felt like he did not want to work and was exaggerating the issue. But seeing him walk like an old man on his bad days and his face contorted with pain is too much. He has so many people lifting him up in prayer. We also had him anointed with oil. However he made a comment last night that he was healthy spiritually. So I know God is working with us. Its no fun waiting but God on our side has made the road less bumpy.

I had to make another payment arrangement with the apartment complex and ask for money again. I tried to go through the charities in Tarrant County but no luck. I make too much money. I know there are people worse off so I wont get too angry. At least someone was willing to help us out. The downside is we will hear snide remarks later on. At this point though we cannot afford to be homeless.

How many times must I go on about the awesomeness of KCBI? Well so many because its a radio station that's become so much more. The people are so sweet. I got the privilege of meeting John McLain, Sharon Geiger, and Terry Barrett of the morning show. I was able to tell them that they were the reason I started listening. You see before I started working nights, I would listen to the morning show on my way to work and would never change it. I enjoyed the music and the inspiration that keeps pouring out. They were as nice as can be. The station's motto is "the music and ministry you can trust" That is certainly the case. I love most of the teachings and the music selection is nice. Plus the fact they pray on air, it is uplifting especially if I do not have a prayer buddy around. Rob Rion has been so kind through out the past month. Today I was so stressed I accidentally dialed the station instead of Ricky. I burst into tears and he calmed me down and said that it will be okay. He proceeded to make me laugh and wish me a better day. The coolest thing though is that Rob continues to get my prayer requests that I send in. Every single time he gets it. There is a reason behind this. God is using Rob in a mighty way. Also Jeff Day has been a sweetheart as well. He did a special dedication for me last night. Jeff is a little more reserved than Rob but he is still quite friendly. I am praying for his wife Lisa because she was diagnosed with skin cancer. He said she was doing well. I pray that will continue to be the case.

Ricky and I are going to see Steven Curtis Chapman next Friday. This will be an uplifting experience for us. We need something positive after all of the stress. The proceeds from the concert will benefit the Mid Cities Pregnancy Center. So we weren't frittering our money away when we bought the tickets. We were able to contribute in the midst of our own problems.

I know things will get better. I feel that when I update in the future it will be good news.

Heavenly Father, we thank You for the continued love You give. We know You are with us even when times are tough. Please continue to be there for Meri during her tough relationship and reveal Yourself to her. I also want to lift up Lisa and Jeff. I pray for healing for Lisa and support for Jeff as he continues to be Your humble servant. We are thankful for his inspiration. I want to pray for Sharon, John, and Terri as they serve You faithfully each day. I lift up Rob as he is lacking sleep. Please show him an opportunity to rest so he can be healthy and serve You. I ask for blessings on Kandy as she is his wife and supporter. Finally I want to thank you for Ricky. He has been the best blessing I could ever have. I pray for healing for him and that he knows he is worthy. Thank you Father for your many blessings and your Son Jesus for it is in His name we pray,


Sunday, July 6, 2008

Something fun!

I want to do a light hearted post for once. So today I am reviewing a restaurant. Ricky and I took a drive after church today. We always do that. Probably not the best thing to do during this time but we love to explore the country. Taking drives are some of our best past times. We talk the most on these. When we are out and about we seem to stumble on interesting places to eat. Today we ended up in Cleburne and decided to get a small bite to eat. We stopped at a little barbecue joint called Buffalo Creek. This place is not for people who expect upscale service. This was bare bones at its finest. you walk up to the counter to order your food and a tattooed woman with the personality of a grizzly bear takes your order and prepares it at the same time. Then you take your food to the table. The food was awesome. I ordered a chopped barbecue sandwich. Was it huge! I could not finish it. Ricky ordered a two meat plate of turkey and ham. I sampled his plate. Ricky was still hungry so he got a ham sandwich. It seems that barbecue is the only thing that won't hurt Ricky's stomach so if we are out and about and have the extra money we will try a new place. Two other places to name drop are Sammie's and Angelo's. Both places are in Fort Worth. I wish I could be like that guy on Food Network that gets paid to do this! :) Trust me Ricky and I have eaten out a lot. We know how to find the best places. We even can tell you where not to go. Especially the time we went to a Chinese buffet and there were McDonald's Chicken Nuggets on the BUFFET! Are you kidding me? That was weird to say the least. Also if you like barbecue I would not go to Pappa's BBQ. Stick to the mom and pop places. Even if you have to put up with interesting personalities. :)

Friday, July 4, 2008

Our freedom

Today is July 4th. Of course its an important day for the U.S. Many people will be out grilling, camping, swimming and any other out door activity you can think of. Ricky and I are going to spend it with my dad and his friend. We wanted to visit Sarah but finances did not allow. We did observe Independence Day a week early. Last week we went to a church service that honored our veterans. It was very moving. We got to hear a testimony from a guy who was in the Desert Storm and Bosnia conflicts. There was a museum with momentos from different veterans. I normally would not even think to go to a service of this nature. However we were invited. That leads to the next amazing thing.

I finally found the Bible Verses that Rob Rion read over the air. I was so excited that I called the station and told him. Rob said he would mark it in his Bible as the Candice verse. We had been talking because I would call in to request a song and he would remember me and carry on a conversation. This time he asked what I was doing over the weekend and I told him that we weren't doing much of anything. He invited Ricky and I to his church for the service previously mentioned. I was so happy! I said we will be there. Before the service started I introduced myself to him and held my hand out to shake. He said "No let me give you a hug!" After the service was over I brought Ricky to him and us 3 had a nice talk. Rob was very nice and courteous. I am not sure what God meant for this meeting but in time He will answer. Ricky and I were pleased but baffled when we were invited. That was a moment I will never forget.

Ricky's Cat scan came back with a high liver count and imflamation. He is supposed to take an antibiotic for 2 weeks. If it does not fix anything then he may be operated on. I pray he can be healed. He wants to get out of this limbo. We know God has his reasons for this. Some positive things have came out of this. Ricky and I have grown closer to God. That in itself is a great thing. We have faith that something will work out for Rickys health.

Work has been stressful of course. I think part of it is that I am too hard on myself. The other part is that my boss intimidates me. I feel like the step child on our team. It makes me sad. Plus I had exchanged words with a couple of team members. Ugly things were said to me. I am letting it go but being careful. I just want to be treated with respect and not be talked to like I am 2. Is that too much to ask? I pray for my team members.

Well today is a good day. We have these wonderful freedoms. I am blessed to be able to spread the word of God and not be thrown in jail for it. I want to shout in victory for Jesus and His great gift. Also our military deserves prayers and grattitude for fighting to keep our nation safe.

Heavenly Father, We thank You for our military and for what they do for our country. We pray for their salvation if they do not know You. We are also thankful for our friends who our there for us. Continue to bless Rob Rion and Jeff Day in the work they do. Also touch Ricky and heal him. Pour Your mercy on him Father. We thank you for Jesus who is the way, the truth and the life. Its in His holy name we pray