Sunday, July 20, 2008

And the stress continues

Okay this blog is supposed to be encouraging. Right now though I do not feel the least bit ready to give false platitudes. I also don't want to act like everything is okay when it seems uncertain. 1st Peter 5:7 says Cast all your anxieties on God for He cares for you (NIV). I have asked Him for direction but have not gotten a response. Or if I have I hadn't been listening because the saga continues. We keep having to give the apartment complex money we don't have because they charge way too much in late fees. It sucks because I have to pay late fees to make sure other things like electricity, car, Internet, and phone are paid. Those things are important. 3 of them contribute to my job. If I have to work from home, the Internet stays on so I can dock the computer. The car needs to paid so I can get to work. The phone is for people to get a hold of me when I am working. It is a vicious cycle. Plus the gas prices are so ridiculous!! I feel like throwing up my hands and giving up but I know I cannot. We have had to borrow money from 3 people to keep afloat. Well that was not a good idea because Ricky's mom wants us to move in with her so it will be better. IF that happened it would be temporary. She has been shooting for us to move in with her since the beginning. I am sorry but I am not jumping up for joy at this idea. She says it would be our house but she would just live there. I don't think I am buying that for a second. She always had a problem with her son doing his own thing. She got angry when he got his own bank account. She flipped a lid when he moved out. Now she wants him back in because she makes comments about him OWING her and blaming him for her own problems. Sorry but I do not want to live with that. The thought of moving in with her has caused about 10 anxiety attacks and crying at work. Also we owe money to various places that may keep us from moving on. So its a vicious cycle all around.

Meri still wants to stay with Nick. She wants to give him another chance even after they pretty much crashed and burned. It seems like Nick is more important than the kids. Every decision made has had Nick's name on it. I finally cut off her phone. I am not going to support a vagabond lifestyle anymore. Those kids need her and I am sick of the stupid "poor me" excuses. She has emotional problems like I do but she is not so messed up that she cannot take care of the kids. Those kids do not need to be in Alabama. However I am not able to say anything. Its not my life. Besides no one listens to me anyway so whats the point?

Ricky is still hurting as well. However I am getting tired of being the only one working. Here is why. I feel like sometimes Ricky does not want to return to the work force so he hides behind his illness. I don't know because I can't feel his pains like he does but every time I mention working from home or any other thing, he says "no too bad can't work". Its not even the money but its the fact that he wants to continue putting himself down. It gets old fast and I want to shake him and tell him that he is worthy. But this time is trying for both of us. The doctors still cannot find whats wrong and keep plying him with pills. We are unable to afford the prescriptions even with insurance. So I am getting stressed by the minute.

We went to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert. That was the bright spot of the week. That guy has gone through a lot with losing his little girl. It does not matter that he has money or that he is famous. He almost lost it at the concert talking about Maria. Losing a child is awful no matter who you are. Steven can sing and is multi-talented. He treated us to antidotes of his life and an acoustic performance. We paid for the tickets but Steven did not get a dime. He agreed to do the concert for free. Proceeds went to the Mid Cities Pregnancy Center. That was a very memorable performance. We want to see him again. I would love to see him with Michael W. Smith. It would be awesome!

KCBI continues to be awesome. Rob Rion is so nice. He was really sweet at the concert. Plus he is always cheering us up. We pray for him so he can get more sleep. The poor guy is so overworked. We don't want to lose our favorite DJ to exhaustion!! Jeff Day told me that his wife Lisa is doing well with the cancer treatments. I am so glad to hear that. We prayed for Jeff at church a couple of weeks back. We don't know him personally but the times he took to be nice to me I feel like he is an old friend. I also have been searching for christian radio stations around the country to listen too while we are traveling. I have found about 10 so far but WJIE in Louisville has stood out the most. Plus I can stream WJIE if I want to listen to music. KCBI has great teachings but there will be days I want music. I still listen to other stuff but knowing the scoop on uplifting music is great! WPOZ 88.3 is awesome as well. So little things like radio station searching has helped me some what.

Work I am getting my resume together and I am going to start job hunting. Mostly because I feel like I need to go some where else. Sprint has not been bad at all. In fact it is a good job. I am getting depressed and antsy. Ricky and I want a change of scenery from Texas. Not to mention wanting to get out of this ridiculous overpriced apartment. It doesn't help that we have had to call the cops on the neighbors. A change will be good. Some year I want to go back to school as well. I did not mean to drop out. I just took a semester off and it turned into 4 years. Sigh...I want to cry. Its depressing seeing people your age with doctorates and professional positions. Also it sucks when you are around people who flash their money. Go back to a previous post where I mentioned how that impacted me.

The previous paragraphs may sound like me drowning in self pity but that is not my intention. I promise. I just vented my frustrations. Not sure if it helped but I feel a little better. I pray for all of us. I hope things work out soon.

Heavenly Father, Even in my darkest moments I know You are here with me. I thank You for Your everlasting love. I continue to lift up Meri and Nick. May they know You and accept Your love. Continue to put Your healing hand on Ricky. His spirit needs healing as well as his body. I pray for Lisa's continued recovery and Jeff during this trial. I lift up Rob and Kandy as well. I pray that You can help Rob get some sleep. I ask this all in Jesus Holy Name


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