Saturday, August 30, 2008

Enough already!

So its about 3am and I cannot sleep. I am wide awake and frustrated. My faith in our Heavenly Father has been through a major roller coaster in the past 6 months. I know He will always be there for me but now I am wondering why things even happen. Sometimes I feel like we are pawns in an evil game because things aren't going our way and we are at our wits end sometimes. Actually I am okay. My finances are not great but I am not freaking out too much. We were able to get the important things paid so we are inching our way out of debt.

I got a letter from Maria and I just want to throw my hands up. Why is God allowing Maria and Paul to have endless nights of worrying where they are going to live? What is the point? Is it to develop character? Why should Anakin and Brielle, 2 Innocent kids have to be a part of the "building character exercise God is giving?" Why can't the government step in and help those who really need it? Why do they get the shaft? What is God trying to accomplish here? I know we are not supposed to question His will but how can we refrain when there is so much junk going on? I am not blaming God for current problems at all. Please don't misunderstand. But what is the purpose of us praying during hard times and the answer we get is "wait?" Its frustrating because we CAN'T wait and there are lives at stake. For me its Ricky constantly in pain. For Paul and Maria its those precious children who may not have a place because of bureaucratic junk. I have asked the Lord "Do You honestly think this is making a difference?" The promise of looking back on this and saying "Yeah I learned something" is not appealing at this moment. What is the reason behind Maria losing her temper, me crying myself to sleep and breaking things? I really just want to scream "Enough already!" I know God is in control. But its not feeling that way right now. Honestly I don't blame Maria one BIT for being frustrated. There is NO reason why she should have to continue suffering.

My new work schedule starts Sunday. Yeah whats the reason behind that noise? How is me missing out on worship every Sunday part of God's will? What good is that going to do? How is that helping me grow in my relationship with Him? I am still pretty ticked about not being able to go to church Sunday. I am less than thrilled about having to work a 10 hour day at my job. I don't hate work. Rather I am not fond of some of the things going on there. I know I could be unemployed and homeless right now. It could be worse. But that does not mean I am jumping for joy giving up worship or getting smart remarks from my boss about being at the bottom of the list.

Also what is the point of pointless attacks on KCBI? Jeff is still having technical difficulties going on a month now. Isn't that ridiculous? Whats the purpose? Why can't Jeff just come in to work and have a smooth night? Why does he have to wrestle with the computers? Why is Scott having issues with the KSYE web page? What kind of self centered jerk would go and plant a virus on that page? You heard me a virus on a CHRISTIAN WEBSITE!!! I tried to log in last night and got an error message saying "This is an attack site" That means if I access it a virus will be planted on my computer. That site needs to be running so it can be ready for Share 2008.

I am just so frustrated with all of this junk. What I SHOULD be doing is praying and reading God's word. What I SHOULD be doing is counting my blessings. I am just not feeling it. I pray all of my friends and myself can get through these challenges. Right now I am running out of steam and do not know if I can go any further.

I was so frustrated I wasn't going to pray but I might as well. I have not lost faith.

Heavenly Father, We are struggling to understand Your Will. Please give us guidance on what it is You want us to do. Please forgive us for our frustration. Provide for Maria at this time. She needs hope and encouragement. Be with KCBI during this tough time. Show them Your grace. Even though we may not know why things happen we do trust in You. We ask this all in Jesus name,


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

What is going on??

It seems like my friends have lost their minds! The way they are acting, the decisions they make has just boggled my mind! I have noticed a disturbing trend over the past few days that has left me scratching my head. Please keep in mind I am not judging anyone or claiming I am perfect. I am just so confused!

Meri and Nick of course have had problems galore for the past 6 months. Then Meri broke up with Nick about 2 months ago and decided to get on with her life. Within two days of breaking up with him she decides to go back to him. Well just a few days ago she decides that she does not love him any more because she met someone else. It bothers me that there is a trend of guy hopping getting started. Somehow she got the idea that she needs a man to be complete. Prayer are definitely being sent her way.

Sarah is acting way different than usual. She has been very cold and angry. Rob is staying with us while he is getting tested at the VA hospital. He has been here having a great time with Ricky and taking it easy. Sarah does not like it at all. She has been very bitter and mad every time they talk. I am not sure what is going on. She usually is very self assured, confident, and happy. I certainly understand the challenges of losing 2 people you love in one years time. I am just worried that the insecurity is going to cause a rift. I hate seeing Sarah and Rob fight. Its sad and I wish it would not happen. They have things they need to talk about.

So what has gotten into to both of them?? This is just nuts!!! Why are they acting this way? Why the insecurity? It sucks seeing this. I am praying for strength for both of them. This behavior is not normal at all. Ladies, know that God loves you and that His love is unchanging.

Heavenly Father Please be with Sarah and Meri during this time. Show them that You are the light that can lead them. Thank You for Your steadfast love. In Jesus Name

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Mission Statement?

I was just reading my mission statement on the front page. It seems like very few of my posts even are related to what I originally intended. I started this thinking I would spread the Good News, do inspirational quotes and teach the Bible. Well I am so off base. I still mean what I said but God has put challenges in my way to pursue that. So people may not get inspired on the spot but there is something to be said about faith in God even when the chips are down.

Work still is a challenge. I start my shift in a week. I am still sad about having to work every Sunday and having my music taken away. Lets not forget a certain manager who likes to bug me 6 times in the course of 3 hours. The manager is just doing his job. However his approach to things intimidates me to a stuttering mess. He was asking me questions that I could not answer right away. I finally told him that he made me nervous. Maybe that was not smart but its true. This person is a "just the facts" person. That is good because you know there aren't hidden meetings but it makes me uncomfortable. Plus some of my coworkers are in their own clique that they don't realize I am here. I guess I am at work to do my job and nothing else. But what a waste. An unpleasant work environment is not conducive to motivation or focus. But what do I know I am just a worker. If I don't like it I can leave. At least that's what my charming boss says.

Sarah and Rob came to town. Rob had a seizure over three weeks ago. He just got out of the Navy in June. People are saying the seizure is connected to his time when he was in Iraq. He is in the DFW area to get checked out by the local VA hospital due to his veteran status. I have had him in prayer. The seizure scared Sarah because it causes memories of how her husband departed. Yeah...that's scary. It was fun having them here. I had to work the whole time and there is no such thing as getting coverage. My coworkers hate working nights. I missed the zoo and other good times. It blows. Sigh.

Ricky and I go back to the doctor on Thursday. We probably will have better results. That's a relief. I am so glad. Its time this problem gets nipped in the bud. There is absolutely no reason why we should even be in our 6th month with no results.

Meri broke up with Nick. I just want to throw my hands up at this. In my opinion I think she should leave guys alone for awhile. She wanted to be with someone else. This guy seems to be a good person. I don't know how to feel anymore because it seems like she is jumping from guy to guy and not wanting to rely on her own inner strengths. She somehow thinks that a guy would make everything so much better. This is a major prayer concern. I know because I did that for awhile myself. Guy hopping is no fun. It certainly does not help your self esteem any. Even if you are not intimate with the person it still gives that feeling of temporary. When she told me her and Nick split, all I could feel was sadness. Its a good thing so Nick can grow up and get straight but its a bad thing because it was a waste. Stuff happens for a reason but I really think all of us could save ourselves misery just by thinking through decisions before jumping face first. I know I would be in a different phase in life to this day.

Jeff Day continues to be on my prayer list. Lisa is recovering quite nicely. Her leg is almost healed. Elaine is doing okay as well. I will get an update on her later when I talk to him again this week. Jeff has had it rough though. He had a bulging disk in his back. He also was diagnosed with arthritis and degenerative bone disease. His back has been in constant pain. I only know Jeff by phone but the Lord has laid him on my heart to pray for him. Jeff is a sweetheart and cares for his listeners. I don't like to hear him suffer. He is always so nice when I call the station too. He is a true servant of the Lord. He lives God's word and conveys it in his work at KCBI. Rob Rion has gotten more sleep. He knows I will get on to him if he does not. We still keep in touch. I don't call every day just because I am so tied up with the fun job at Sprint but I keep him posted with Ricky's condition. He actually asked me to. Scott Broyles and I have been writing via myspace. He and his wife Sarah are in prayer because of a difficult pregnancy. Sarah has been rushed to the hospital 3 times in the past few weeks. Her pregnancy has had some complications. She is almost bedridden because if she is active the contractions start and hurt her. I continue to pray for all of these wonderful people. I am volunteering in the Shareathon at KCBI to keep the station alive. With it being listener supported it only runs on donations and business underwriting. I am glad to be a part of that.

My mother is not doing well. Yet I continue to feel detached. It bothers me that I am not crying at her bedside or sad about her at all. We did not grow up together and do not have a bond. Not sure how to feel here. I do pray for her because I don't know where her eternal resting place is. I don't know if she has a relationship with God or not.

A fun thing happened today. We went to an ice cream freeze off. BIG mistake. : ) We got try lots of different flavors and vote on them. Then we got to get a bowl afterwords of our favorites. Wow people really know their stuff. My favorite was a pineapple cake flavor. It won second place in most original. One flavor I would not recommend was the Crazy Cravings. It had pickles in it. Lets just say that was.......interesting. Needless to say that was not my bowl. I probably gained 2 dress sizes this afternoon. That's how good most of the ice cream was. Wes is nice but his Crazy Cravings flavor was not. Sorry! Better luck next year Wes!

More to come as things develop. I will keep updating. I am trying to shift away from negativity. Pray for a more positive outlook next time.

Heavenly Father I thank You for friends and family. I pray that You be with Rob as he goes to the doctor tomorrow. That they will find whats wrong with him so he can move on. He does not like this handicap but I know Your will is being done. I ask for Your healing hand on Jeff. He is Your faithful servant and wonderful person. Wrap Your arms around him and bring him comfort during this time. I pray for a safe pregnancy for Sarah. Show her Your love and grace. I continue to ask for prayers for Ricky. I know Your hand is in us moving to another doctor and We thank You for that. We ask these all in the name of Your precious Son Jesus

Friday, August 15, 2008

Trying to be positive...really.

I mean it. I am trying to be positive. Part of it is just not taking things so personally. That's an ongoing battle though. Its just that I am sick of being the only one working. I am tired of the apartment looking like a dump and sick of having to do it all. Some days I just want a break from everyone. Its gotten to the point where I dread weekends because it just means going back to work. Something is seriously wrong to be at this point right now.

Last Sunday we went to visit my dad. That was depressing because of some of the things said. He is still convinced that Ricky is slacking around and does not want to work. We talked and he thinks that Ricky is getting a free ride because he is unemployed. There are some days I feel that but I know its not the case. Also Dad does not have a personal relationship with the Lord. He makes disparaging comments about Christians. He calls them religious nuts and says they are overbearing and demanding. I told him that not all of us are like that and it was not fair to give that stereotype to people. He countered that by saying its the Christians fault for this image. Yeah that really is uplifting to hear from a father. Not to mention that he complained about this one lady he was seeing because she was conservative. Translation: She won't jump in bed on the first date. Dad is a good person. So why he settles for people who are superficial and shallow and tosses the good women out the window is beyond me. I am praying for him.

Work is a challenge. We just had a shift bid. I am on the bottom of list meaning I got stuck with a really crappy shift. Starting August 30th I will be working a 4 by 10 shift. That wouldn't be so bad but throw in every Sunday it blows. I get to miss worship services. I am not pleased about that at all. Also I talked with one of my coworkers on switching days because he works every Saturday. He does not want to switch unless I beg him. I will try to make the best of it by finding a church to go to on Saturdays. Also our new manager wants to micromanage everything. Part of it was that there were complaints about our team so things are changing. But one thing I am really steamed about is that we are unable to listen to music at work. It already sucks that church is being taken away but the Christian music is out of the question. I would listen to KCBI or KTIS at work to lift me up. But nope we have to be professional, have people look up to us blah blah blah. Yeah whatever. As for the complaints I don't know what they are about. I made mistakes but I did my job. I did not just play around. There are more changes but it may not seem "professional" to mention them. Wouldn't want to offend the higher ups.

Some good news for a change. Ricky saw a new doctor who seems more promising. This guy actually takes time to explain what is going on. He prescribed Ricky with medicine to help the spasms. The good thing about that is its safe and wont cause side affects like some prior medications. We hope to get this nipped in the bud. This ailment has taken over our life.

I am trying to be positive. So I am cutting it short before I start venting and saying things I will regret.

Heavenly Father,
I know You have a plan for us. I ask that it is revealed in some form. We are lost and broken and cannot go on. We pray for Your guidance and love during this time. I ask this in Jesus Name. Amen

Monday, August 4, 2008

Spiritual Attacks

I am so glad that I have a relationship with our Heavenly Father. If I did not, I am not sure where I would be. I have had some spiritual attacks lately. One was Saturday morning at the retreat where my heart started pounding and I went into panic mode. It was odd because I had no reason to have an anxiety attack. Then Saturday night I had a very bad dream that included evil temptations. Sunday night I had another nightmare with the same evil things from the Saturday night dream. Tonight was really bad because I started becoming really paranoid and could not concentrate on my work. I called Rob Rion to request a song and right after I hung up, I started to freak out and wonder if I said something wrong. I was over analyzing my conversation with him and was psyching myself out. It was scaring me really bad. So I called back in to ask for prayers. The paranoia and anxiety has been a constant battle for most of my life. The doctors want to put me on drugs I can't afford. I understand that the Lord gave us doctors to help us so I should be receptive to that. But I don't know. I feel like Satan has been attacking me at every turn. He wants to put doubts in my head and really psyche me out. I will not let the enemy attack me though. I have prayed fervently. I want to get over this paranoia and anxiety because I don't want it to run my life.

Heavenly Father I know You are with me. I thank You every day for the blessings You give me. Show me the way and help me to discard these feelings. I ask this in Jesus name


Friday, August 1, 2008

Roller coaster worthy

Yes it has been a roller coaster. If you ever rode the Texas Giant its one of the roughest rides a person will ever ride. You miss the fun factor because you are focusing on not getting your back knocked out of place. That's how my week has been. Topsy turvy but no fun.

First I had to go to First United Methodist Church of Bedford to seek assistance. The church gave us some food to get us by. Plus a nice lady slipped me 10 dollars for gas. Its not much its better than not getting to work at all. I am not ashamed that I had to get help but I don't like depending on others to pay my bills and put groceries in the house.

Also I asked my step mother for money to help with the rent. If it wasn't for her we probably would have been homeless. I have been consistently late for the past few months. It is not something I am proud of. I am trying to make ends meet but it is so hard to do when I am the the only one working. Lana did not give us any stipulations. In fact she thanked me for helping her for getting discounted phone service through my company where I work. I am able to do that for up to 10 people.

I was about to throw in the towel and swallow my pride. I was going to make the decision to move in with Ricky's mom. She dropped a bombshell on us and told us that she will only have us live there if we commit to a year with her. That means giving her my wages and basically being under her thumb for a long time. I was really angry because she did not mention this when she offered. She also had the nerve to make rude comments about how Ricky and I bummed off of her while we lived there the first time. I was working at Tom Thumb then and could barely afford my bills, let alone hers. Not to mention that she started this conflict at work! She always pulls a stunt like this and I am sick of it. It doesn't matter now because she gave up her house and it will be gone by October. She blames Ricky for her financial issues. Part of the reason why she is in her mess is because of her decisions. Just like Ricky and I. We weren't wise with our money so that is partly why we are struggling now. I can admit that. But I am trying to fix it and not blame everyone else for our mistakes. She has tried to be nicer. I have been civil but it will be a long time before I would ever trust her again. She has always put down Ricky and manipulated him. Its not happening any more.

The doctors continue to be clueless as to what is going on with Ricky. We are seeking a second opinion and starting over with a new person. He cannot continue to suffer and be in limbo. It has caused so much disruption in our life. I will admit part of it is I wish I could have some help easing the financial burden. That is not why though I want Ricky to get better. I want him around for a long time. Plus he would be so much happier if he was not in pain all the time. The upside to all of this is that his relationship with God has continued to grow stronger. Knowing where he will go after this life is a comfort. But right now I want us to enjoy life together.

Meri continues to be with Nick. I don't know how to feel about this anymore. There is really nothing I can say. She does not listen.

In my KCBI paragraph I have a praise report. Lisa is doing well. I talked to Jeff on Friday morning and he said she is waiting for stitches to come out. He said they got all of the canccer out. His mom is going through the same thing but its possible they can remove the tumor. So I am so glad for him. I have prayed for Lisa, Jeff, and Elaine (Jeff's mom) frequently. Also Jeff handled himself beautifully on Friday morning when the station was experiencing technical difficulties. The computer had gotten a virus over the weekend and we kept experience dead air on our end. Also when I called in to the station, the first few times the phone would pick up but no one would be there. Then I tried again. The phone picked up but I could hear Jeff on the phone with someone else. I kept hanging up because I did not feel right listening. So finally I called back in and told him the issue. He started getting upset because he was just going through so much that night! So after hastily hanging up with me he apologized on air and started praying. He sounded really upset. However if the devil thought he could affect Jeff's ministry, he did not succeed. Jeff has a way about him that can reach out even during the toughest times. The devil just thought he won but he did not realize who he was dealing with. Not to mention the fact that Jeff had listeners praying fervently for him. God prevails no matter what.

I went on a retreat this past weekend. I stayed in a house in Round Top with Sheila who is a friend of my dad. Sheila paid for my ticket and I have to figure out what to do in return. It was a nice relaxing weekend. I had a few issues but overall God got me through. I had an anxiety attack on Saturday morning but after praying and taking a few breaths I calmed down. Then Sheilas daughter seemed to rub me the wrong way. She was nice but very negative and unhappy with everything. She is also a spoiled girl as well. This is not to be negative but its true. That got to me a little bit but I kept my cool. I did not want to be disrespectful. The retreats theme was Wearing God's Love. I learned some things about myself I am not proud of. I will be working on a self improvement plan spiritually and physically. God's presence was at that retreat. I will be going back to work refreshed.

Updates will keep coming . I continue to pray for my friends and family.

Heavenly Father I come before you with the old garments disposed. I ask that You guide me in my walk with You. Help me to be a child You would be proud of. I thank You for the weekend I had. I was blessed to worship You in a setting that could very well be heaven on earth. I also want to continue to lift up Jeff. He is Your servant and he needs to know that he is doing Your work in a wonderful way. I continue to pray for Ricky. I pray that the doctors will find something so he can move on. Also I pray that You would guide him in a more positive direction right now. I thank You for Your Son who gave us Life and the privelidge to come before You. Its is in Jesus name I pray,