So its about 3am and I cannot sleep. I am wide awake and frustrated. My faith in our Heavenly Father has been through a major roller coaster in the past 6 months. I know He will always be there for me but now I am wondering why things even happen. Sometimes I feel like we are pawns in an evil game because things aren't going our way and we are at our wits end sometimes. Actually I am okay. My finances are not great but I am not freaking out too much. We were able to get the important things paid so we are inching our way out of debt.
I got a letter from Maria and I just want to throw my hands up. Why is God allowing Maria and Paul to have endless nights of worrying where they are going to live? What is the point? Is it to develop character? Why should Anakin and Brielle, 2 Innocent kids have to be a part of the "building character exercise God is giving?" Why can't the government step in and help those who really need it? Why do they get the shaft? What is God trying to accomplish here? I know we are not supposed to question His will but how can we refrain when there is so much junk going on? I am not blaming God for current problems at all. Please don't misunderstand. But what is the purpose of us praying during hard times and the answer we get is "wait?" Its frustrating because we CAN'T wait and there are lives at stake. For me its Ricky constantly in pain. For Paul and Maria its those precious children who may not have a place because of bureaucratic junk. I have asked the Lord "Do You honestly think this is making a difference?" The promise of looking back on this and saying "Yeah I learned something" is not appealing at this moment. What is the reason behind Maria losing her temper, me crying myself to sleep and breaking things? I really just want to scream "Enough already!" I know God is in control. But its not feeling that way right now. Honestly I don't blame Maria one BIT for being frustrated. There is NO reason why she should have to continue suffering.
My new work schedule starts Sunday. Yeah whats the reason behind that noise? How is me missing out on worship every Sunday part of God's will? What good is that going to do? How is that helping me grow in my relationship with Him? I am still pretty ticked about not being able to go to church Sunday. I am less than thrilled about having to work a 10 hour day at my job. I don't hate work. Rather I am not fond of some of the things going on there. I know I could be unemployed and homeless right now. It could be worse. But that does not mean I am jumping for joy giving up worship or getting smart remarks from my boss about being at the bottom of the list.
Also what is the point of pointless attacks on KCBI? Jeff is still having technical difficulties going on a month now. Isn't that ridiculous? Whats the purpose? Why can't Jeff just come in to work and have a smooth night? Why does he have to wrestle with the computers? Why is Scott having issues with the KSYE web page? What kind of self centered jerk would go and plant a virus on that page? You heard me a virus on a CHRISTIAN WEBSITE!!! I tried to log in last night and got an error message saying "This is an attack site" That means if I access it a virus will be planted on my computer. That site needs to be running so it can be ready for Share 2008.
I am just so frustrated with all of this junk. What I SHOULD be doing is praying and reading God's word. What I SHOULD be doing is counting my blessings. I am just not feeling it. I pray all of my friends and myself can get through these challenges. Right now I am running out of steam and do not know if I can go any further.
I was so frustrated I wasn't going to pray but I might as well. I have not lost faith.
Heavenly Father, We are struggling to understand Your Will. Please give us guidance on what it is You want us to do. Please forgive us for our frustration. Provide for Maria at this time. She needs hope and encouragement. Be with KCBI during this tough time. Show them Your grace. Even though we may not know why things happen we do trust in You. We ask this all in Jesus name,