Monday, June 18, 2012

Unlearning behaviors

I just read a good friend's blog and its so much more encouraging than anything I have written over the past two years.   I have let my anger, bitterness, and frustration rule over my life.  It is no fun to live this way.  I dont spend day after day miserable.  Some days though I am just consumed with all of of these things its hard to function.

My mother in law is finally moving in.  She says its temporary.   But because I still do not trust her I have a hard time believing it.  If I wasnt so jaded I would see it for what it is.  A family member is temporarily down on her luck and Ricky and I have a place for her to stay.  However I have seen her behavior toward Ricky as clingy and needy.  I feel like she will never let go of him.  Living with us is just a way to ruin our marriage.   I have to let go of the past but it is so hard when you see similar behaviors presently.  Ricky's mom and dad both tried to tell him to leave me and not work out the marriage.  That has pretty much instilled a mistrust in  both of his parents.  So when she says she wants to move in I automatically assume she is there to put a kink in our lives for the worst.  I guess I would have let this go and moved on but then over the years there have been subtle reminders of how much he was babied and how his life was so much easier before he married me.  As mentioned before I am accused of abusing, starving him, and discouraging him.  Its not all the time but it seems when I let my guard down she starts in on me.  Maybe I am just oversensitive and not seeing it as motherly love.  So I am praying that I can let go of this.  For Ricky's sake I want to make our household smooth while she recuperates and gets on her feet.  But lets be honest its very hard.  Just the thought of her moving in makes me want to cry for days.  So prayers would be appreciated. 

I really have been putting Ricky through the ringer.  He hears about my constant whining about his mother moving in.  I am trying to curb that behavior.  He has been patient with me and has assured me he loves me.  But her moving in makes me feel so inadequate and not needed. Ricky has told me many times that this was temporary and is in no way a reflection of his love for me.  But again in my jaded behavior I feel like he wanted his mom there because I do not do enough.  Thats an insecurity I HAVE to get over.  It is ruining me daily and its no fun.  I have to give Ricky lots of credit.  He has been finding so many ways to give me hope and assure me that we will be fine.  The enemy has me thinking that her moving in is the road to divorce court.  He has told me this isnt so but I get caught up in all of the evil things from the past and think the worst.  So during this time this will be a test of faith. 

I know it could be much worse.  Having someone move in temporarily isn't the end of the world.  As long as you have ground rules and understanding it should be smooth.  But I have had room mates before.  Again I am dwelling on the past.  One brought drugs in my house and another left me a 700 dollar phone bill and a mess.  Oh and my dad did move in for a short time.  That was NO fun as he was constantly trying to tell us how to run our lives. So these things from the past are sneaking up on me and bringing me down.  But I truly believe if I pray, seek God, and stay close to Him I will be in great shape.  He knows what he is doing even if I am not liking it right now. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Thoughts about divorce

This may offend some people what I am about to write.  But it has been tugging at my heart to talk about this.  I want to talk about divorce and why I am praying about a way to curb it in today's society.  I am sick of seeing broken homes, hurt children, and selfish people who do not care. 

Divorce affects the children long after they are grown.  The following examples are just a small portion of the junk Ricky and I deal with from our parents. Its pretty sad my dad says "when your relationship ends please let me know".  Really that's how you want to be encouraging to your daughter?  How selfish!   I also find it upsetting that Ricky's mom still holds so much anger and bitter feelings toward his dad.  its been 16 years.  Her anger has put a negative impact on Ricky's relationship with his dad.  She will constantly talk bad about him and cause doubt and fear with Ricky and his dad.  Its very disheartening to see an event from years past still play a major role in our lives today.   It causes trust issues with Ricky.  I assume he is going to betray me and during a weak moment I might buy into the horrible advice my dad gives. 

I am sure most people who have made this painful decision were seriously trying to consider what was best at that time.  I know couples that have split due to abuse, infidelity, and abandonment.  It is hurtful to see.  So I am certainly not condemning because I can only imagine how horrible it was to get to that point where a split was the best decision. But what angers me is that a lot of the time people have split over really stupid things.  When you got married you made a commitment!  So splitting because your spouse gained 15 pounds post wedding is not acceptable.  Also just because your heart doesn't flutter at the site of your spouse does NOT mean you fell out of love.  If you are in a marriage that is developing and growing you will graduate from heart fluttering to something much more meaningful.  I know couples who have split because of money.  That is understandable but it CAN be prevented.   This means communicating and coming up with a plan.  I can speak from experience on that because while we had financial challenges I was not ready to throw in the towel. 

Folks you didn't take a vow just to break it when the waters get rough.  You are misrepresenting marriage in the worst way.  If you see a crack in your marriage you FIX it!  You didn't commit your life to just one person to hurt them later on for your selfish desires.  I do not care if your wife gained 15 pounds.  Instead of berating her find out why?  How do you know its not a medical condition or depression?  You cant find out unless you communicate!  Wives your husband is not perfect.  Get used to it.  You didn't marry him to "change" him.  It doesn't work.  A man might mold his life in the right direction but he has to be willing.  No amount of cajoling, bribing or threats will get the job done. 

I love Ricky.  I also get angry at him.  Sometimes his attention span is horrible and he tunes me out. He will thrown his socks on the floor.  He might forget to fix something he was asked to do.  But those are things that can be overlooked or worked through with prayer and guidance.  I know Ricky loves me.  However I know he gets annoyed with my mood swings and house habits.  But these are NOT capital offenses.  We have talked, prayed and worked through our differences.  Our marriage is no where near perfect.  We have a long road ahead of us.  But with the Lord's help we will succeed.