Monday, June 18, 2012

Unlearning behaviors

I just read a good friend's blog and its so much more encouraging than anything I have written over the past two years.   I have let my anger, bitterness, and frustration rule over my life.  It is no fun to live this way.  I dont spend day after day miserable.  Some days though I am just consumed with all of of these things its hard to function.

My mother in law is finally moving in.  She says its temporary.   But because I still do not trust her I have a hard time believing it.  If I wasnt so jaded I would see it for what it is.  A family member is temporarily down on her luck and Ricky and I have a place for her to stay.  However I have seen her behavior toward Ricky as clingy and needy.  I feel like she will never let go of him.  Living with us is just a way to ruin our marriage.   I have to let go of the past but it is so hard when you see similar behaviors presently.  Ricky's mom and dad both tried to tell him to leave me and not work out the marriage.  That has pretty much instilled a mistrust in  both of his parents.  So when she says she wants to move in I automatically assume she is there to put a kink in our lives for the worst.  I guess I would have let this go and moved on but then over the years there have been subtle reminders of how much he was babied and how his life was so much easier before he married me.  As mentioned before I am accused of abusing, starving him, and discouraging him.  Its not all the time but it seems when I let my guard down she starts in on me.  Maybe I am just oversensitive and not seeing it as motherly love.  So I am praying that I can let go of this.  For Ricky's sake I want to make our household smooth while she recuperates and gets on her feet.  But lets be honest its very hard.  Just the thought of her moving in makes me want to cry for days.  So prayers would be appreciated. 

I really have been putting Ricky through the ringer.  He hears about my constant whining about his mother moving in.  I am trying to curb that behavior.  He has been patient with me and has assured me he loves me.  But her moving in makes me feel so inadequate and not needed. Ricky has told me many times that this was temporary and is in no way a reflection of his love for me.  But again in my jaded behavior I feel like he wanted his mom there because I do not do enough.  Thats an insecurity I HAVE to get over.  It is ruining me daily and its no fun.  I have to give Ricky lots of credit.  He has been finding so many ways to give me hope and assure me that we will be fine.  The enemy has me thinking that her moving in is the road to divorce court.  He has told me this isnt so but I get caught up in all of the evil things from the past and think the worst.  So during this time this will be a test of faith. 

I know it could be much worse.  Having someone move in temporarily isn't the end of the world.  As long as you have ground rules and understanding it should be smooth.  But I have had room mates before.  Again I am dwelling on the past.  One brought drugs in my house and another left me a 700 dollar phone bill and a mess.  Oh and my dad did move in for a short time.  That was NO fun as he was constantly trying to tell us how to run our lives. So these things from the past are sneaking up on me and bringing me down.  But I truly believe if I pray, seek God, and stay close to Him I will be in great shape.  He knows what he is doing even if I am not liking it right now. 

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Thoughts about divorce

This may offend some people what I am about to write.  But it has been tugging at my heart to talk about this.  I want to talk about divorce and why I am praying about a way to curb it in today's society.  I am sick of seeing broken homes, hurt children, and selfish people who do not care. 

Divorce affects the children long after they are grown.  The following examples are just a small portion of the junk Ricky and I deal with from our parents. Its pretty sad my dad says "when your relationship ends please let me know".  Really that's how you want to be encouraging to your daughter?  How selfish!   I also find it upsetting that Ricky's mom still holds so much anger and bitter feelings toward his dad.  its been 16 years.  Her anger has put a negative impact on Ricky's relationship with his dad.  She will constantly talk bad about him and cause doubt and fear with Ricky and his dad.  Its very disheartening to see an event from years past still play a major role in our lives today.   It causes trust issues with Ricky.  I assume he is going to betray me and during a weak moment I might buy into the horrible advice my dad gives. 

I am sure most people who have made this painful decision were seriously trying to consider what was best at that time.  I know couples that have split due to abuse, infidelity, and abandonment.  It is hurtful to see.  So I am certainly not condemning because I can only imagine how horrible it was to get to that point where a split was the best decision. But what angers me is that a lot of the time people have split over really stupid things.  When you got married you made a commitment!  So splitting because your spouse gained 15 pounds post wedding is not acceptable.  Also just because your heart doesn't flutter at the site of your spouse does NOT mean you fell out of love.  If you are in a marriage that is developing and growing you will graduate from heart fluttering to something much more meaningful.  I know couples who have split because of money.  That is understandable but it CAN be prevented.   This means communicating and coming up with a plan.  I can speak from experience on that because while we had financial challenges I was not ready to throw in the towel. 

Folks you didn't take a vow just to break it when the waters get rough.  You are misrepresenting marriage in the worst way.  If you see a crack in your marriage you FIX it!  You didn't commit your life to just one person to hurt them later on for your selfish desires.  I do not care if your wife gained 15 pounds.  Instead of berating her find out why?  How do you know its not a medical condition or depression?  You cant find out unless you communicate!  Wives your husband is not perfect.  Get used to it.  You didn't marry him to "change" him.  It doesn't work.  A man might mold his life in the right direction but he has to be willing.  No amount of cajoling, bribing or threats will get the job done. 

I love Ricky.  I also get angry at him.  Sometimes his attention span is horrible and he tunes me out. He will thrown his socks on the floor.  He might forget to fix something he was asked to do.  But those are things that can be overlooked or worked through with prayer and guidance.  I know Ricky loves me.  However I know he gets annoyed with my mood swings and house habits.  But these are NOT capital offenses.  We have talked, prayed and worked through our differences.  Our marriage is no where near perfect.  We have a long road ahead of us.  But with the Lord's help we will succeed. 

Friday, May 25, 2012

So much to think about!

I have been dealing with mixed feelings over some recent events.  The past week has taken a toll on my thought process.  I want to be a better person and not assume the worst when it comes to kinks in our journey.  My faith in God is a roller coaster because I am always questioning and never handing it over to Him.  I am not good at that.  I always feel like I have to know what is going on RIGHT NOW and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.  But its like a bad habit I can't seem to stop worrying and being anxious. 

Ricky's mom had symptoms of a stroke last Friday.  We didn't find out until Sunday evening!  Her reason for not telling someone was that she didn't want to burden anyone.  That frustrates  me to no end because the message I am hearing is she would rather hurt her son by not taking care of herself.  We came down really hard on her and told her not to mess around with her health like that.  She started going on about how she doesn't have anyone and didn't want to bother anyone with her health issues.  Because of this episode Ricky now wants her to move in so she can be supervised.  I am not OK with this at all.  It sounds heartless and cruel I know.  But I have little trust in her and my past fears have me wondering if she purposely sabotaged her health so she could cling to Ricky.  That sounds unreasonable because most people hate being sick.  But her actions suggest otherwise. 

We worked at Friendraiser this week.  I always enjoy doing volunteer work with the KCBI staff.  You never go hungry and always have a friend to talk to.  I love the staff.  Its encouraging to see a group of people praise God so openly without shame.  This was something I needed as I am still struggling in my walk.  I have been trying to surround myself with other Christians. But an incident at Friendraiser made question if I was even still following the Lord.  I met this lady who signed up to volunteer.  We talked a little bit but she started acting strange after I asked her where she lived.  I simply wanted to know the vicinity so I could recommend a church for her as she was new to the area.  But when I asked her she said "why do you want to know that?"  I told her I was just curious.  She got scared and said "that's Gods area to recommend a church".  I didn't press further but the conversation bothered me.  I couldn't put my finger on why so I just chalked it up to me being tired.  The next day I am at Friendraiser the same lady is there with Ricky in the prayer room.  They were talking and when I went to talk to Ricky she has the nerve to say "Sit.  I have some things to say".  Then she started talking to me like she knew me for years.  She was border line lecturing me and then had the nerve to shove my hand!  It made me so mad because she took it upon herself to get in my personal space but yet freaked out when I asked her where she lived.  But the reason why I question my faith with this incident is because she was telling me things God laid on her heart and all I could do was roll my eyes and mentally think to myself "are you done yet?"  Maybe it was just her speech delivery.

Which leads me to what has really been bugging me. I am starting to resent people who have to sermonize everything! I am finding myself rolling my eyes when someone quotes a Bible verse.  I will say its not all people.  But there are certain individuals that just rub me the wrong way when speaking about God.  I am not sure what the means.  Is it a lack of faith?  I dont know.  But I am tired of the sermons when I just want to be talked to like a normal person.  I will say that this feeling only happens with certain individuals.  If my pastor or Mike Tirone at KCBI were to talk to me I would be fine.  But I start rolling my eyes when Ricky or that lady from Friendraiser quotes Scripture.   That is something I will be praying about.

 I have been worried about how bills are going to be paid since Ricky has gotten laid off.  All I have been told is "have faith".  What does that mean?   I am getting to the point where I want to shout "Faith DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS!".  But I haven't because I feel like I would be saying something blasphemous.  So instead I have been trying to cut costs where I can.  I make calls to companies to see what I can do about payment plans.  I am being responsible. However I get accused of not trusting in God.  What I am supposed to do?  Sit there and wait for the house to get foreclosed in the name of Jesus?  Somehow that doesn't strike me as Gods will. 

 Ricky felt the calling to ministry 7 years ago but has been ignoring it.  This week he has been taking his calling very seriously.  He has been researching ways to go to school.  He has alerted our pastor and has talked to KCBI's general manager regarding his decision.  I have very mixed feelings about this.  I don't oppose him answering God's call.  But 7 years ago I encouraged him in his calling and all it got me was ridiculed.  When I had told him to answer the call he looked at me and said "Why is it so important to you?  I am starting to think you don't have a mind of your own".  He accused me of being a follower and not making my own decisions.  I am not sure how encouragement even brings up these things.  But they hurt and now I have not voiced any support over this because I really do NOT want to deal with any more criticism.  Lets be fair though.  If he is serious about the ministry he will accept my support for what its worth.  But fear has kept me from being very happy about this development.  Its bad that part of me thinks he is only doing this to get out of working!  Isn't that a horrible thought? 

 I am needing prayer because the uncertainty I feel is not getting better. I do not enjoy being angry or agitated with the Lord.  I don't want the enemy to win so I am rounding up my prayer warriors.  Because if something doesn't change I see myself going down a dark path and it may be hard to turn back. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


My faith is still being tested.  I know that the Lord is not being cruel.  But recent events have made me question what He is doing.  Ricky lost his job so we are back to one income.  The idea frightens me because of our mortgage.  We somewhat skated by when we lived in the apartment.  Ricky and I have been arguing. I fear he wants to go back to the days of old where depending on Mommy was the game plan.  As it is he has suggested that she might move in because that's what God would want.  We are to be obedient to what the Lord has in store for us.  But I wouldn't be human if I wasn't just a little angry about having parents move in

  I guess the most frustrating thing is things were going well the past couple of months.  Ricky and I moved our membership from First Dallas to Aurora Baptist Church.  We are embracing a new business opportunity and Ricky's health has improved by leaps and bounds.  Ricky's attitude has changed by leaps and bounds.  My faith is strengthening.  We got involved in choir at church.  We are making friends in our neighborhood.  We have made enough money to take care of bills.

But I guess the Lord wanted us to deal with challenges.   I will be brutally honest I am really starting to get sick of trials.  Compared to some its not the end of the world.  But I am not really good at handling adversity or any type of kink thrown my way.  This test of faith is necessary but I didn't want it.  I really just wanted to go a few months without worrying about where the next meal is coming from or it the mortgage was going to be paid. As frustrated as I am though I do not want to be angry at the Lord.  I am quite frustrated though.

I am also grieving the loss of a friendship.   It was on shaky ground for years but when recent events came to light it was a sign that it is done.  We will never be as close as we once were.  My heart breaks knowing that.  I haven't cut the person off or told him to go away.  But his recent life development will definitely throw cold water on any hope of a close friendship ever again.  It is not his fault but I have to be realistic.  I wish him the best.  Wow this hurts so bad.

I have no idea whats next for us.  I pray that I can handle it with dignity and acceptance.  My current method is doing more harm than good.  I cant handle another day of crying. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Does it ever end?

At this point I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel like every time things get better a curve ball is being thrown our way. At this point I am wondering if I should just expect the worst and not be disapointed? Things were really starting to look up. I have this feeling that any time I am content, pleased, happy with things. I always have this feeling of doom and prayers are needed in the worst way. I cant take much more of this.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


TV today is horrible. After watching shows this week I don't know why I even bother. I had a very unpleasant experience with the programs I viewed.

I love music and I like Katherine McPhee. So I started watching Smash on Mondays. The first few episodes were good. However this week it went too far. The direction was quite disgusting. I didn't need to see Katherine McPhee do a striptease in her room. I wasn't impressed with her character flaunting herself at her boyfriends dinner. Then we cut to a different scene where another female is entertaining an affair and misses out on her son getting arrested. The star sleeps with the director to get the part in the play. I could go on and on. But what really did it for me is a scene where it shows two guys covered with a sheet talking about how great the sex was. Luckily we were not treated to the actual scene but the aftermath turned my stomach. Call me judgemental prig all you want but I was appalled by this weeks episode. Oh did I mention where Debra Messings character is making out with someone else besides her husband at the end of the show and the son sees her? It makes me sad to see a show with such potential turn into trash.

Switched at Birth was a dissapointment this week as well. What message is the show sending when at the end two teenagers sleep with each other because they are mad at the world? Also why must the producers really push the "bad boy" image with one of the main characters who happens to be deaf? Are they trying to send a message that deaf people are evil? Whats the point? They take an admirable person and turn him into a jerk. Drugs and Alcohol are brought on the scene too. What is ironic is that this is supposed to be on ABC Family. But the shows on this channel are not really family friendly. I am all for a show that deals with real issues but it can be done without the smut.

TLC is one of the worst networks ever. They have gems like "Kate plus 8" "LA Ink" "Sister Wives". I could go on and on. There are very few shows on that channel I would bother to view. Anything else is a waste of time. I find it sad that TLC feels like they have to make a buck on trash. Do children need to be exploited? What do you hope to accomplish by showing something glorifying polygamy? I guess its a blessing in disguise I do not have cable.

Lets pray for some change in our entertainment world. It does not have to be trashy to make a buck.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

I am trying!!

Things have been looking up. There have been no threats of divorce in the last few weeks. Ricky's health has improved since he has been taking a new health supplement. His residual back pain is gone. The blood pressure numbers are great. His diabetes are stabilized. The best part is there have not been any more awful fights. We are going back to church and reconnecting. You would think that I should be rejoicing and thanking God for the reprieve. But I am not. Instead I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like every time things are on track, the Lord just wants to throw another curb ball. Quite frankly I am sick of the curve balls, challenges, and struggles. I have gotten to a point where when things are great I expect something bad to happen soon. I hate feeling this way! I am trying to be grateful for the blessings that have come my way. I have been praying every night. But I still feel so disconnected from God and I hate that. I dont want to be at war with Him. But my trust is so shattered. I am praying that my heart is changed. I am trying to be better.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Its been awhile

I noticed I hadn't blogged in over a year. Its been a year of challenges, triumphs and dissapointments.

Ricky and I did get a house in September. We got a home through LGI. They work with credit challenged people to try to get them their dream of home ownership. Its not a fancy home at all. Its just 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. It does have a nice kitchen and a lovely master suite. Its not a mansion but for a first home we could have done a lot worse. Payments are 885 a month. So I am pleased.

We also were challenged with our generosity. We helped a couple who were in dire straits. However it turned into a bad situation. We lost a big chunk of money and the people we helped no longer want to have anything to do with us. As long as the money coming their way they would sing praises of "we love you" and you are awesome. Once it stopped they stopped talking to us. We were helping them because we thought it was the right thing to do considering we have been in hard financial situations as well.

My faith in God has been tested over the past 3 months. More threats of divorce, financial issues, and work problems have pushed me to the limit. I am getting very discouraged. I do not expect Eutopia but I am getting impatient. I pretty much am reduced to begging for the Lord to help me now! I cant take any more of this stress and it just seems cruel to continue for a "purpose". My relationship with the Lord is on rocky ground. I dont doubt His existence or love. But I am not liking how I feel right now. I really dont want to endure any more. References of Biblical characters like Job and Joseph just make me even more angry. Yes they suffered and risen above the circumstances. But I dont want to go through a huge roller coaster of trials. I may be selfish stating this but I cant help how I feel.

Ricky and I could be doing much better. You would think our first home would unite us. Instead there are threats that I cannot handle. Its too much for me to deal with and I am getting angry. I just want the nonsense to stop and a little break. I do so much and I feel like its not appreciated. I dont think anyone gives a flying crap about what I want. I want to just throw in the towel.

I need prayer in the worst way. I am beyond discouraged.