I have been dealing with mixed feelings over some recent events. The past week has taken a toll on my thought process. I want to be a better person and not assume the worst when it comes to kinks in our journey. My faith in God is a roller coaster because I am always questioning and never handing it over to Him. I am not good at that. I always feel like I have to know what is going on RIGHT NOW and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. But its like a bad habit I can't seem to stop worrying and being anxious.
Ricky's mom had symptoms of a stroke last Friday. We didn't find out until Sunday evening! Her reason for not telling someone was that she didn't want to burden anyone. That frustrates me to no end because the message I am hearing is she would rather hurt her son by not taking care of herself. We came down really hard on her and told her not to mess around with her health like that. She started going on about how she doesn't have anyone and didn't want to bother anyone with her health issues. Because of this episode Ricky now wants her to move in so she can be supervised. I am not OK with this at all. It sounds heartless and cruel I know. But I have little trust in her and my past fears have me wondering if she purposely sabotaged her health so she could cling to Ricky. That sounds unreasonable because most people hate being sick. But her actions suggest otherwise.
We worked at Friendraiser this week. I always enjoy doing volunteer work with the KCBI staff. You never go hungry and always have a friend to talk to. I love the staff. Its encouraging to see a group of people praise God so openly without shame. This was something I needed as I am still struggling in my walk. I have been trying to surround myself with other Christians. But an incident at Friendraiser made question if I was even still following the Lord. I met this lady who signed up to volunteer. We talked a little bit but she started acting strange after I asked her where she lived. I simply wanted to know the vicinity so I could recommend a church for her as she was new to the area. But when I asked her she said "why do you want to know that?" I told her I was just curious. She got scared and said "that's Gods area to recommend a church". I didn't press further but the conversation bothered me. I couldn't put my finger on why so I just chalked it up to me being tired. The next day I am at Friendraiser the same lady is there with Ricky in the prayer room. They were talking and when I went to talk to Ricky she has the nerve to say "Sit. I have some things to say". Then she started talking to me like she knew me for years. She was border line lecturing me and then had the nerve to shove my hand! It made me so mad because she took it upon herself to get in my personal space but yet freaked out when I asked her where she lived. But the reason why I question my faith with this incident is because she was telling me things God laid on her heart and all I could do was roll my eyes and mentally think to myself "are you done yet?" Maybe it was just her speech delivery.
Which leads me to what has really been bugging me. I am starting to resent people who have to sermonize everything! I am finding myself rolling my eyes when someone quotes a Bible verse. I will say its not all people. But there are certain individuals that just rub me the wrong way when speaking about God. I am not sure what the means. Is it a lack of faith? I dont know. But I am tired of the sermons when I just want to be talked to like a normal person. I will say that this feeling only happens with certain individuals. If my pastor or Mike Tirone at KCBI were to talk to me I would be fine. But I start rolling my eyes when Ricky or that lady from Friendraiser quotes Scripture. That is something I will be praying about.
I have been worried about how bills are going to be paid since Ricky has gotten laid off. All I have been told is "have faith". What does that mean? I am getting to the point where I want to shout "Faith DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS!". But I haven't because I feel like I would be saying something blasphemous. So instead I have been trying to cut costs where I can. I make calls to companies to see what I can do about payment plans. I am being responsible. However I get accused of not trusting in God. What I am supposed to do? Sit there and wait for the house to get foreclosed in the name of Jesus? Somehow that doesn't strike me as Gods will.
Ricky felt the calling to ministry 7 years ago but has been ignoring it. This week he has been taking his calling very seriously. He has been researching ways to go to school. He has alerted our pastor and has talked to KCBI's general manager regarding his decision. I have very mixed feelings about this. I don't oppose him answering God's call. But 7 years ago I encouraged him in his calling and all it got me was ridiculed. When I had told him to answer the call he looked at me and said "Why is it so important to you? I am starting to think you don't have a mind of your own". He accused me of being a follower and not making my own decisions. I am not sure how encouragement even brings up these things. But they hurt and now I have not voiced any support over this because I really do NOT want to deal with any more criticism. Lets be fair though. If he is serious about the ministry he will accept my support for what its worth. But fear has kept me from being very happy about this development. Its bad that part of me thinks he is only doing this to get out of working! Isn't that a horrible thought?
I am needing prayer because the uncertainty I feel is not getting better. I do not enjoy being angry or agitated with the Lord. I don't want the enemy to win so I am rounding up my prayer warriors. Because if something doesn't change I see myself going down a dark path and it may be hard to turn back.