Saturday, July 31, 2010

Just a bad day..

Over the last year I have worked on controlling my anger. It has not been easy but my efforts have paid off for the most part. I have not hit anyone and I try to curb my tongue as to not insult anyone. However today my anger has reached its limit. It stems from incidents in the last 48 hours.

My sister Cameron had her baby on Thursday. It is a joyous occasion but I could not be there for it due to finances. I had made up my mind that Ricky and I were going to drive to where she is sometime in the fall and bring gifts for her and the baby. But then my sister Erica called me and started going on and on about wanting to go see her this weekend. I firmly told Erica I could not go and can we wait until I am financially stable. Well she kept saying "finances are not the problem, just come with me, we will eat cheap, no excuses" and other things. She would not drop the subject after I told her it was not a good idea to go and that I would need to ask for time off. She kept nagging me until finally I gave in. So I let my boss know and he found coverage for me. I was excited but still a little apprehensive because I had no money to contribute. Erica kept assuring me it was ok and that she would pay for everything. Then she calls me and says "are you SURE you don't have money to spare?" I said "No I do not I have already told you this" She started complaining about how it was going to strain her budget but she said the trip was still on. A few hours later she calls me and says "I have been thinking. I cannot afford this trip. Would you be too offended if I went without you?" That was a stupid question. Of course I was livid. She spent over 3 hours of my time trying to convince me to go and then backs out. That makes me furious. I did not yell at her but I told her that I did not appreciate her coercing me just to back out. It seems like a petty thing to be mad about it. However it reminds me that this is not the first time she has done this to me. It was ridiculous and I was even more angry at myself for ignoring all the bad signs. I love her but right now I have no respect for her.

I am also angry at my mother in law for constantly accusing me of starving Ricky. She keeps making comments about how he is starving when he gets off of work and that I don't give him good meals. She did this right before I went into the psychiatric hospital so the accusations bring back bad memories. It has taken every ounce of self control not to go off on her. I understand that moms love their children but that does not give her any right to treat me like I am dirt. Ricky and I have issues but we work through them. I am tired of her interfering and trying to cripple our marriage. I am sick of him depending on her all the time.

I am still conflicted about Meri too. She has everyone fooled that she is this sweet innocent person who will do no wrong. It makes me mad that she gets away with not paying my phone bill she ran up. I care about her as a friend but she has made me angry enough that I want to smack her. She has a boyfriend who buys her whatever she wants and she does not have a job that pays well. I am breaking a commandment when I say I am jealous of the fact she can be a lazy person and get what she wants while I work hard and do not see anything for it.

I am aware that our true riches are in Heaven. I know that God is here even if it does not feel like it. Only His presence has kept me from doing something I will regret later.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Crisis of faith

It has been way too long since I blogged. I guess I am not good with keeping up with this. I will try to be better because having my thoughts written down and reading them later helps me. However I find it sad that my mission statement for this blog has really not been reflected over the past year or so. So much has happened over the years that I am starting to really question my faith.

My life is not terrible but I am getting very stressed and angry. I really would like Ricky and I to be a happily married couple. I want us to break away from family restraints. I am sick of his mom wanting to be involved in EVERYTHING and assuming the worst about me. She was one of the factors that contributed to my hospitalization. I really want to have a great relationship with her but I lost all trust. I am also tired of the slackers getting everything and me nothing. I am also tired of well meaning people just telling me to put on a happy face and God will provide. Why do people even say such a stupid thing? God is good and He knows His path for us. But I have a hard time believing that God will give me a house if I just put on a happy face. Sometimes though I feel cheated and angry at Him. I know God is big enough to handle everything but I am finding it more difficult each day. I am sick of renting my apartment, tired of people leaching on to us. Why is it so hard to grant me a leg up as Ricky and I want a home?

I don't know what to pray for anymore. I don't even rejoice in Gods word. All of these things that have happened have a reason. But I am human enough to demand what they are. No God does not owe me an explanation or anything. However I don't think its too much to ask for a leg up. These trials are putting me to the test and I am failing miserably. Sigh. I pray for wisdom to put up with these trials. Quite honestly I cant handle any more. My prayer is that one day I will be moving on with Ricky into a home.