Saturday, July 17, 2010

Crisis of faith

It has been way too long since I blogged. I guess I am not good with keeping up with this. I will try to be better because having my thoughts written down and reading them later helps me. However I find it sad that my mission statement for this blog has really not been reflected over the past year or so. So much has happened over the years that I am starting to really question my faith.

My life is not terrible but I am getting very stressed and angry. I really would like Ricky and I to be a happily married couple. I want us to break away from family restraints. I am sick of his mom wanting to be involved in EVERYTHING and assuming the worst about me. She was one of the factors that contributed to my hospitalization. I really want to have a great relationship with her but I lost all trust. I am also tired of the slackers getting everything and me nothing. I am also tired of well meaning people just telling me to put on a happy face and God will provide. Why do people even say such a stupid thing? God is good and He knows His path for us. But I have a hard time believing that God will give me a house if I just put on a happy face. Sometimes though I feel cheated and angry at Him. I know God is big enough to handle everything but I am finding it more difficult each day. I am sick of renting my apartment, tired of people leaching on to us. Why is it so hard to grant me a leg up as Ricky and I want a home?

I don't know what to pray for anymore. I don't even rejoice in Gods word. All of these things that have happened have a reason. But I am human enough to demand what they are. No God does not owe me an explanation or anything. However I don't think its too much to ask for a leg up. These trials are putting me to the test and I am failing miserably. Sigh. I pray for wisdom to put up with these trials. Quite honestly I cant handle any more. My prayer is that one day I will be moving on with Ricky into a home.

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