Its been tough.

One of my good friends has lost her husband this week.  It has been very tough for all of us who knew him.  I have been dealing with a ton of emotions over the past week.  One that has stuck out though is anger. When I found the news that he had passed away I felt let down by God.  I had spent most of the night petitioning for his healing and recovery.  I prayed almost non stop throughout the day up until I found out.  So in my grief and pain I am angry.  I draw no comfort in any of the things that have been said or will be said.  I feel like I would go off on someone if he or she tries to comfort me with the cliches.  I cannot try to find anything good that would come out of this.  As far as I am concerned a wife, family and friends are grieving for a loved one.  So I have been angry at God.  I have asked why and I have bluntly stated this wasnt right.  In this early stage I feel like my prayers were mocked and that I wasnt heard.  My faith has been shaken but not defeated. 

Even with all the emotions I feel I cannot imagine what my friend is going through.  She has to wake up knowing he wont be there the next morning.  She has to figure out how to go on.  Its going to take time and prayer.  She will be making hard decisions over the next year.  She has to deal with inquiries regarding her husband.  I have seen this cycle with another close friend of mine when she went through a similar situation a few years ago.  It doesnt matter the circumstances.  It is not easy to watch.

I pray for the family and friends affected.  We need healing because right now it hurts too bad. 

So much time has passed

I am so bad about keeping up blogs. I want to be better about not letting so much time lapse.  So much has happened since last time.

Ricky's mom lived with us from June until October of 2012.   It was quite stressful.  I also had my sister stay with me during part of that time as well.  During that time though it became apparent that part of the reason why we had so many issues is because she clings to Ricky.  At that time she hadn't taken an interest in life and was in her room all the time.  Also Ricky and I were arguing quite a bit.  I can tell you it was no fun.  Also I love my sister but some times I wanted to strangle her when we lived together.  We are different people so sometimes our personalities do not go well together.  But in October Ricky's mom moved out of our house to make room for a family of 5 who stayed with us for awhile.  It wasn't bad but I learned quickly that my house is too small for 7 people, 4 dogs, and a cat.  But some good things came out of this.  My mother in law moved in with her parents to help them out.  She has turned into a different person!  Sure she has her bad days but she isn't idle.  She has friends, interests and is forging a life for herself.  It has also strengthened our relationship for which I am grateful. 

I enjoy our church.  Our pastor preaches from the Bible.  While focused on Gods word it is not judgmental.  It is involved in missions and outreach.  Ricky and I are constantly involved with church activities.  We are in the choir together.   He is a part of the security team and I work with the Awanas kids.  I have sang during church services.  We have helped with events such as fellowship dinners, revivals, and meetings.  We have made some friends through the choir, security team and Awanas.

I am still with my current company.  I enjoy what I do.  However recent changes at the job have got me thinking about what is next in my career.  I have been torn between pursuing culinary school or business management. I am not sure what I should do.  This is not me hating my current job.  It has served Ricky and I well over the years.  I met some great people and I have learned so much.  So to leave and venture on a different career is scary.  I have been praying for direction.  I want to learn new things in the culinary world bu I do not desire to open a restaurant.  I want to use the knowledge to minister to people but I do not know what yet.  Ricky had suggested learning how to cook foods from different cultures.  Its a great idea so I am thinking about it. 

Over the past few months I have seen my friends with their children.  I am longing for Ricky and I to start a family.  Fears and finances have kept us from pursuing this.  I feel like we should just go for it and trust that God will provide.  I know that sounds trite and cliche but it is true.  We have struggled financially on and off over the past few years.  But when I look back on our struggles I realize He has provided.  Sometimes I don't show my appreciation and gratitude.  So I pray that we will be blessed with a little one soon.

I will be better about posting.  I want to keep blogging and continue this journey we are on.