Saturday, November 16, 2013

I wish things were different.

I have been burdened with wanting to patch up a friendship ever since Lonnie's homegoing.  This friend and I have gone through so many trials and tribulations.  Due to me being an idiot I made so many mistakes with him.  I wish I could change the past.  We had been keeping in touch but then all the sudden he stopped talking to me.  There was no warning.  We had a ton of arguments in the past.  But this time around we went from trying to make plans to him not answering my calls.  Ricky and I both have tried to reach out to him but with no success. I do not know what I should do going forward.  So I have kept my distance and will continue to pray for him and his wife.  I am heartbroken that our friendship is over.  But I will accept it and move on.  I just wish I could talk to him and find out how he is doing.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Its getting better but we still have a long road

Tuesday was the funeral for Lonnie.  It was quite emotional and heart-wrenching.  I broke down multiple times during the service.  I have had a ton of crying spells too.  But of course Cheyenne is having the worst time of all.  She holds up well when I visit her.  But when I leave she cries and has the worst time sleeping and eating.  So it hurts that there is really nothing I can do besides be a friend.  I wish there was a way to take this pain away. 

One of the reasons why I was struggling with this death is because I wasn't sure Lonnie was a believer.  Multiple family members testified he was saved so that helped some of my guilt.  Knowing that he is in his Heavenly home has helped me cope. "He is in a better place" is actually something I can take comfort in now. I think me coming to terms early on will help me be a stronger person for Cheyenne and the family when they need someone. Ricky and I are still grieving though and it will take time.

I haven't mentioned my mother in law because we hadn't had conflicts in awhile.  But she decided to come during a very bad time.  We were dealing with Lonnie's death, Ricky was working nights and I was working too.  So unfortunately we didn't get to spend much time with her.  When she was up Ricky was sleeping.  When Ricky was up she was sleeping.  So it was quite tough to get some time with her.  We were able to go to dinner with her Monday evening.  But we told her that Tuesday was the funeral so we may not be home all day.  Because after the funeral we went to the Stockyards where Lonnie's brother Daniel was playing music as a tribute. We didn't get home until late. She was upset and left our house Wednesday afternoon in a huff.  I know she came to visit but it was not an appropriate time.  She also made some comments that were very upsetting.  So I am not angry but very disappointed that this junk happened.  It wasn't the time.

I am praying for all of us during this time.  But I especially pray for Cheyenne.  She needs all the support and strength she can get. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

So mixed up

This recent tragedy is not the only thing making me upset.  We are having financial issues again.  Also I do not see Ricky much as he is working over night.  I feel like the trials just keep coming.  I do not know what to pray for anymore.  I feel so let down that I am almost afraid to pray for anything.  I still do pray but I have this bad attitude of "whats the point".  I need to somehow get past this.  Otherwise the enemy wins.  I do not want to continue down this road. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Even more ramblings, ventings and reflections

I am still having the worst time dealing with Lonnie passing away.  So many things in my life happened because Ricky worked with Lonnie.  I met Cheyenne and learned so many things about myself.  So many silly things have made me cry.  I see my Waffle House cup and I remember the 4 of us going there for lunch and Lonnie offering to pay.  I remember my teddy bear with the cowboy hat that was for my birthday.  Cheyenne told me Lonnie picked it out.  I think about when they were with Ricky and I when we started looking for houses.  I also remember Ricky helping Lonnie with rides to work, Cheyenne and I sitting drinking coffee while the guys were talking.  But then some time later Lonnie and Ricky didn't see each other.  They both got laid off from MPI and then went their separate ways.  Ricky is dealing with a ton of regret for not making more time for Lonnie.  But life has a way of passing us by.  Before we know it we lose so much time. 

I am dealing with so much guilt and anger over this.  Over the last year I was quite critical of Lonnie.  I didn't approve of certain things and I let my self righteousness take over.   I have so many regret on the way I have acted.  He was a hard worker who loved his wife.  He could put his mind to anything.  But I started becoming critical because I saw him go downhill.  He started losing his drive for life.  It was as if he was existing but not living.  It adversely affected his friendship with Ricky and caused some contention with Cheyenne.  I hated seeing someone who had so much life go into the doldrums.  I had dealt with something similar with Ricky earlier on so I would give advice as I thought was necessary.  But I feel like it was tainted with anger from my own situation.  So that makes me a hypocrite because I hate it when others do the same with me.  But before he passed away I was told he had started living again!  He was pursuing his passion for singing.  He wanted to fix up the old house they bought. He wanted to go back to MPI.  Ricky and Lonnie could have closed the distance on the friendship.

But this loss came way too soon!  I am so angry about it!  I really thought he had a chance to pull through.  When I saw him in the hospital I had hope. But for whatever reason it didn't happen.  I cannot pretend to understand or rationalize it.  It makes me furious that our prayers weren't answered the way we would like.  Its not as if we were asking for a pony we were asking to spare our friend's life!!!  Its as if we were being laughed at for asking.  I know God doesn't work that way but at this point nothing makes sense.  I want to cry and scream.  If this is how I feel I cannot imagine what Cheyenne is going through right now.  I have to deal with this on my own because I could not burden her with this.  

I know that in time the pain will lessen for all of us.  Possibly it will be revealed how this plays in the future.  But prayers are still needed because this is too much right now.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Venting, Rambling, and Reflections

Ever since my best friend lost her husband I cannot stop crying.  I didn't cry this much when my mother passed away.  Not that I didn't love her but we weren't close until the last few years.  Now don't get me wrong.  I have shed some tears over her loss and I have had so many regrets.  I guess that is why this has hit me hard this time around too.  Losing someone is never easy.  But seeing Cheyenne broken and torn up has really got to me in the worst way.  I have had to cry in private and not around Ricky because he is having a hard time too. He worked with Lonnie and so he is taking this personal.  I will be fine then something stupid will trigger a crying attack.

I am still quite angry that things happened as they did.  I rant and rave.  I ask what could have been done differently?  Why weren't our prayers answered in this manner?  Why do I have to see Cheyenne making arrangements instead of making plans?  My faith has been badly shaken.  It makes me feel like if I pray it doesn't matter.  I know that's not the case but I cannot help but be so mad.  I know being angry is the enemy's tool to get me off track.  So I am trying to pray and reflect.  But its not helping.

At this point I haven't heard the cliches that normally come with a loss.  While they are well meaning I feel mocked when I hear one.  "He is in a better place".  I get that but really?  How does that make the ones left behind feel?  I mean do they really take comfort in knowing that?  "God had a plan"  Again I believe that.  But am I really going to be comforted by that statement?  In a moment of grief I am not going to say "Oh yeah I am glad you took my loved one away".   "It was his time".  That one makes me angry.  Even though we cannot pretend to understand God's will I cannot fathom saying that to a grieving person.  As far as we are concerned no it wasn't.  Especially if it was an unexpected loss.

At this point prayer is still needed.  I need my strength to be there for Cheyenne.  My anger and frustration will not work.