Saturday, November 2, 2013

Even more ramblings, ventings and reflections

I am still having the worst time dealing with Lonnie passing away.  So many things in my life happened because Ricky worked with Lonnie.  I met Cheyenne and learned so many things about myself.  So many silly things have made me cry.  I see my Waffle House cup and I remember the 4 of us going there for lunch and Lonnie offering to pay.  I remember my teddy bear with the cowboy hat that was for my birthday.  Cheyenne told me Lonnie picked it out.  I think about when they were with Ricky and I when we started looking for houses.  I also remember Ricky helping Lonnie with rides to work, Cheyenne and I sitting drinking coffee while the guys were talking.  But then some time later Lonnie and Ricky didn't see each other.  They both got laid off from MPI and then went their separate ways.  Ricky is dealing with a ton of regret for not making more time for Lonnie.  But life has a way of passing us by.  Before we know it we lose so much time. 

I am dealing with so much guilt and anger over this.  Over the last year I was quite critical of Lonnie.  I didn't approve of certain things and I let my self righteousness take over.   I have so many regret on the way I have acted.  He was a hard worker who loved his wife.  He could put his mind to anything.  But I started becoming critical because I saw him go downhill.  He started losing his drive for life.  It was as if he was existing but not living.  It adversely affected his friendship with Ricky and caused some contention with Cheyenne.  I hated seeing someone who had so much life go into the doldrums.  I had dealt with something similar with Ricky earlier on so I would give advice as I thought was necessary.  But I feel like it was tainted with anger from my own situation.  So that makes me a hypocrite because I hate it when others do the same with me.  But before he passed away I was told he had started living again!  He was pursuing his passion for singing.  He wanted to fix up the old house they bought. He wanted to go back to MPI.  Ricky and Lonnie could have closed the distance on the friendship.

But this loss came way too soon!  I am so angry about it!  I really thought he had a chance to pull through.  When I saw him in the hospital I had hope. But for whatever reason it didn't happen.  I cannot pretend to understand or rationalize it.  It makes me furious that our prayers weren't answered the way we would like.  Its not as if we were asking for a pony we were asking to spare our friend's life!!!  Its as if we were being laughed at for asking.  I know God doesn't work that way but at this point nothing makes sense.  I want to cry and scream.  If this is how I feel I cannot imagine what Cheyenne is going through right now.  I have to deal with this on my own because I could not burden her with this.  

I know that in time the pain will lessen for all of us.  Possibly it will be revealed how this plays in the future.  But prayers are still needed because this is too much right now.

No comments: