Venting, Rambling, and Reflections

Ever since my best friend lost her husband I cannot stop crying.  I didn't cry this much when my mother passed away.  Not that I didn't love her but we weren't close until the last few years.  Now don't get me wrong.  I have shed some tears over her loss and I have had so many regrets.  I guess that is why this has hit me hard this time around too.  Losing someone is never easy.  But seeing Cheyenne broken and torn up has really got to me in the worst way.  I have had to cry in private and not around Ricky because he is having a hard time too. He worked with Lonnie and so he is taking this personal.  I will be fine then something stupid will trigger a crying attack.

I am still quite angry that things happened as they did.  I rant and rave.  I ask what could have been done differently?  Why weren't our prayers answered in this manner?  Why do I have to see Cheyenne making arrangements instead of making plans?  My faith has been badly shaken.  It makes me feel like if I pray it doesn't matter.  I know that's not the case but I cannot help but be so mad.  I know being angry is the enemy's tool to get me off track.  So I am trying to pray and reflect.  But its not helping.

At this point I haven't heard the cliches that normally come with a loss.  While they are well meaning I feel mocked when I hear one.  "He is in a better place".  I get that but really?  How does that make the ones left behind feel?  I mean do they really take comfort in knowing that?  "God had a plan"  Again I believe that.  But am I really going to be comforted by that statement?  In a moment of grief I am not going to say "Oh yeah I am glad you took my loved one away".   "It was his time".  That one makes me angry.  Even though we cannot pretend to understand God's will I cannot fathom saying that to a grieving person.  As far as we are concerned no it wasn't.  Especially if it was an unexpected loss.

At this point prayer is still needed.  I need my strength to be there for Cheyenne.  My anger and frustration will not work.