Tuesday, December 28, 2010


I am still battling depression like crazy. I still cant stop eating and sleeping. It is scaring me. I do not get why I feel the way I do. I have bouts where I want to cry and times that I lash out over the smallest things. I lose my temper if my car does not start or if I misplace my keys. This is not someone I like

I did not get the job in Kansas City. I took that loss really hard. I was ready to kiss Texas goodbye and start somewhere new. This past Christmas was a prime example of what I wanted to leave behind too. It was probably one of the worst holidays I have ever celebrated. Ricky and I got snubbed like crazy. We have put up with it for years and finally have had enough. So we have made a decision not to show up at next years get together. Unless something drastically changes the family is just going to have to do without us.

I am still struggling with my anger toward my mother in law. I can't stand to be around her. She is always so depressed and negative. I can't handle her being so clingy either. The behavior angers me to the point I get anxiety attacks. This battle is an uphill one. I do not want to be angry with her and I do want a relationship with her. But it is so hard because I have this fear in the back of my mind that she will try to conspire to get rid of me like she did last year. This issue is still needing lots of prayer.

There is a possibility that Ricky and I may be getting a house. We have had so many issues getting financed. We found this builder who is willing to work with the credit challenged. The catch is that you have to want to do your share of the work. No one just hands you a house. We have a meeting with a sales counselor this weekend to get some more details and decide once and for all if this is the route to take.

I have a sleep study coming up this week. I may have sleep apnea. I also plan on looking for a psychiatrist the first of the year. The good news is that our new insurance will carry our current doctors. The dispute between the hospital system and the insurance company has been settled which was a prayer answered.

I ask for prayers during this tough time. I do not even have the words to type my own I am so depressed. I just ask for guidance during this time.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

So much frustration

I changed the mission statement on my page. I did not feel like I was doing it justice. I have have done a poor job of spreading the Good News. Over the past 2 years since I have started this I have been struggling with depression. So my posts have not been as encouraging as I would have liked. However the blog is a look into the life of a Christian who has struggles and challenges.

I found out some news that has angered me. My mother in law will be going on short term disability for 3 months. Also its a possibility that she may be on disability permanently. This news bothers me for a few reasons. One because once she is no longer working she will constantly borrow money from Ricky and I. We will never be able to get our own lives because we will feel some type of obligation to help her. Also she will want to either have us move in with her or guilt us into having her stay with us. Then there is the clingy behavior that I have had to battle with over the years. She refuses to let go of Ricky and wants to jeopardize his chances of building a relationship with his dad. I also find it quite odd that she is going out on leave right after we got the news we were staying in Texas. I am praying that I can look at the situation in a positive light. It is not easy.

I am still battling with depression. I keep eating like its my last meal. I sleep so late its not funny. The worst part is I can sleep 10 hours and feel like I haven't slept at all. It is scary. I feel like crying sometimes.

I found out some news regarding our health insurance that concerns me. We will be switching over to a new carrier January 1st. The insurance carrier is in a dispute with one of the local hospitals here. If they do not resolve their differences we will have to start looking for new doctors. I really hope that is not the case. We have great physicians who care about us and have treated us so well over the years. I don't want to have to establish a history with a new doctor if it is not necessary. I know I should be grateful I even have insurance. But what good is it if I am not getting the care I am paying for and should be expecting?

I need prayer in the worst way or I will spend the rest of this blog complaining. Please pray.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Stuff on my mind

I had not written in awhile. After my issue in September I just decided to stay away from the blog. But I am frustrated that I let people intimidate me into taking down my post. What I had written was truth and it needed to be out there. I am sick of sugarcoating and tiptoeing around. Its ridiculous.

I am still battling depression with a vengeance. I have been sleeping way too late and eating too much. I am sure I have gained a bit of weight. My clothes still fit but I can tell there is a physical change in me that I do not like. The eating is getting out of control. I am always hungry and I really have no idea why. I just want to eat all day. I really have no reason to be depressed as circumstances across the board are in our favor for the first time in ages. But there is still this cloud that seems to follow me no matter what.

Ricky and I are in a better place financially. We are nowhere near rich but we are getting out of debt. We have been on time with bills. Some are even paid ahead. Ricky has been working with Ameritex Guard services. He is a security guard. He makes less than I do but brings home more due to the fact I carry the health insurance. We are still needing to be wise with our money but we don't have that fear of doing without as we have dealt with in the past.

I am worried about Alicia. She had separated from her husband but then decided to go back to him. I do not advocate divorce but the circumstances in the marriage were severe enough that I had encouraged stepping away from the relationship. When there is a time when a life is in danger I do not feel it appropriate to stick around. Her husband is not an evil person but he is very misguided and needs to get counseling for his anger. She is also in a tough place financially. I have encouraged her to get help but she is hesitant. I can understand. Asking for help can be equivalent to admitting defeat in the minds of some. But I hope she seeks it soon so she can move on.

Ricky had been in the hospital in September. He was diagnosed with stroke symptoms so he was observed at Arlington Memorial Hospital for a few days. It was no fun seeing him in that position. However he was in great hands there. We had a few hiccups with some of the staff but for the most part he was taken care of just fine. I ended up staying there with him the whole time. For a couple of nights Ricky was kept up due to the neighbor in the next room who was out of her mind hollering for various people. That was no picnic. But luckily the hospital ruled out a stroke. Ricky was out of work for a month but he is doing great now. He has been taking his medicine and eating right for the most part. He is human though and will slip a hamburger or fried tenders in. But I have been making sure that we get the proper nutrients in our diets.

One thing I have noticed during this whole ordeal with Ricky being sick is that he seems to recover much better when he is not around negative influences. When he is constantly told he is a sickly individual and there is not much hope he does not want to get better. We realized this when Ricky put distance between him and his mom for awhile. She was understandably upset that he was sick. But then she would take it too far by freaking out and being discouraging. She would pity him and baby him. All that did was hinder his recovery. So when he stepped back from her for awhile he started feeling better. He had his challenges of course but he was thriving! He was able to go back to work after a month and his symptoms that have hindered him have been non existent. Of course he still communicates with his mom but its not an every day occurrence. He can build a healthy relationship with her and still be an adult and live his life.

I have applied for a job in Kansas City. I felt that Ricky and I moving there would be a nice fresh start for us. After seeing Ricky's family freak out while he was in the hospital prompted me to put in an application. I have had enough of interference and people trying to run our lives. Not only that we would be closer to his dad. Ricky needs to build a relationship with Rick and has not been able to do so because he has been here in Texas coddling the family. We are done with that so we want to start a new life elsewhere. Kansas City is a great place. I feel like its a compromise because Ricky loves the country and I grew up in the suburbs. The KC metro area has the feeling of both. Right outside of the area is lots of land and farms. Then you have your restaurants and entertainment in KC. So I hope to get the position. I am excited about a possible change of scenery.

My spiritual life has been lukewarm at best. I have been attending church. But I am uncomfortable getting involved with a Sunday School class or group. All though I would really like to join the choir. I am unable to due to my current schedule. I feel like I am stagnant with my walk with God. At times I am disconnected and lost. I pray for guidance and hope because this is not a fun place to be.

Monday, September 13, 2010


Yesterday I had posted a blog about my church. I had also posted some stuff that I felt was a real concern to me. In doing so I apparently caused someone to be offended or upset because my post was reported to our executive pastor at church. To make things even stranger I got a personal call from the executive pastor while I was at work! He was very nice. All he did was ask me some questions. However I just felt so....weird! I am not a columnist or a writer for a newspaper so for my post to get the attention it did was just so odd. Whats even more strange is that I made disclaimers throughout my post assuring people that I was not trying to criticize the person I was speaking about. All I wanted to do was prove a point that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect no matter what. I took my post down so no one would mistake my concern for one persons actions as criticism of the church. The Lord has blessed our church with many great people and I do not want anyone to get the wrong idea.

My apology is to whoever was offended. I do intend to speak my mind but I will make sure going forward I will be diplomatic but bold.


I just deleted a post because I inadvertenly caused some issues. My apologies to those out there that may have gotten offended.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Spiritual thoughts

Last night I was at a party for a former coworker. I was having a conversation with a group of girls about religion and faith. It was interesting because 2 of the girls were Jewish and one is agnostic from what I understand. These girls gave me a reason as to why they could not be a Christian. I realized I was one of the worst witnesses for the gospel because I had a hard time expressing why trusting in the Lord was important. I admitted I was a Christian but I said nothing else. I have always had an aversion to witnessing and last night was no different. Instead of being a bold Christian, I clammed up. I am not ashamed of the gospel. I have no problem with people knowing my faith. But I can never seem to articulate a defense for Gods word. Last night would have been a perfect time to witness.

My walk with God is marginal at best. I go to church every Sunday and I pray but it seems so lukewarm. Plus I have raged at God for silly things and do not praise Him when it is deserved. Ricky and I can have faith conversations but we don't pray together. That has troubled me too. Why does it seem more comfortable to pray with the pastor at church than with family members or spouse? Plus I have not been tithing. I know my money has been given to me to use wisely. But I don't tithe 10% because I am holding on to fears of going back to being poor.

I find myself questioning my faith. I keep getting mixed signals on where I stand with the Lord. What bothers me is hearing people say "Trust in the Lord and you will always be happy". In a sense that is true because I have the knowledge of spending eternity with our Savior. But right now I still struggle with depression, anger, and temptation. It seems to be condescending to suggest that I am experiencing these things because of a lack of faith.

I am also struggling with my church home. I have not been to First Baptist Dallas for awhile. I like the church but it is a 30 minute drive. Its worth it but I am starting to resent the trip there especially since there is a wonderful Bible believing church just 5 minutes away. So I have been attending First Baptist Church in Euless on and off for the past month. I have to say that Reverend John Meador is the genuine article. He does not preach to be a superstar. His personal life story is amazing as well. He is mostly deaf but overcomes that challenge by delivering Gods word every Sunday to a congregation of 3000+ people. Also if you heard him you would have never guessed he was deaf until someone mentioned it. But I know a pastors life story and sermons are not the only reason to attend a church. Ricky says that God called us to First Baptist Dallas. It is a great church. But I am not wanting to drive 30 minutes every Sunday.

Even as depressed as I have been I know that God is here. His love has sustained me and kept me from losing my mind. His ways are not our ways but He has great things planned for us and does not want us hurt (Jeremiah 29:11). Sometimes though its hard to see this with all of the struggles and depression I am dealing with.

Heavenly Father I cry out to you for Your help. Please help me to discern and to be a bold witness for You. Help me to remember what it means to trust in You. in Jesus Name Amen

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Just a bad day..

Over the last year I have worked on controlling my anger. It has not been easy but my efforts have paid off for the most part. I have not hit anyone and I try to curb my tongue as to not insult anyone. However today my anger has reached its limit. It stems from incidents in the last 48 hours.

My sister Cameron had her baby on Thursday. It is a joyous occasion but I could not be there for it due to finances. I had made up my mind that Ricky and I were going to drive to where she is sometime in the fall and bring gifts for her and the baby. But then my sister Erica called me and started going on and on about wanting to go see her this weekend. I firmly told Erica I could not go and can we wait until I am financially stable. Well she kept saying "finances are not the problem, just come with me, we will eat cheap, no excuses" and other things. She would not drop the subject after I told her it was not a good idea to go and that I would need to ask for time off. She kept nagging me until finally I gave in. So I let my boss know and he found coverage for me. I was excited but still a little apprehensive because I had no money to contribute. Erica kept assuring me it was ok and that she would pay for everything. Then she calls me and says "are you SURE you don't have money to spare?" I said "No I do not I have already told you this" She started complaining about how it was going to strain her budget but she said the trip was still on. A few hours later she calls me and says "I have been thinking. I cannot afford this trip. Would you be too offended if I went without you?" That was a stupid question. Of course I was livid. She spent over 3 hours of my time trying to convince me to go and then backs out. That makes me furious. I did not yell at her but I told her that I did not appreciate her coercing me just to back out. It seems like a petty thing to be mad about it. However it reminds me that this is not the first time she has done this to me. It was ridiculous and I was even more angry at myself for ignoring all the bad signs. I love her but right now I have no respect for her.

I am also angry at my mother in law for constantly accusing me of starving Ricky. She keeps making comments about how he is starving when he gets off of work and that I don't give him good meals. She did this right before I went into the psychiatric hospital so the accusations bring back bad memories. It has taken every ounce of self control not to go off on her. I understand that moms love their children but that does not give her any right to treat me like I am dirt. Ricky and I have issues but we work through them. I am tired of her interfering and trying to cripple our marriage. I am sick of him depending on her all the time.

I am still conflicted about Meri too. She has everyone fooled that she is this sweet innocent person who will do no wrong. It makes me mad that she gets away with not paying my phone bill she ran up. I care about her as a friend but she has made me angry enough that I want to smack her. She has a boyfriend who buys her whatever she wants and she does not have a job that pays well. I am breaking a commandment when I say I am jealous of the fact she can be a lazy person and get what she wants while I work hard and do not see anything for it.

I am aware that our true riches are in Heaven. I know that God is here even if it does not feel like it. Only His presence has kept me from doing something I will regret later.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Crisis of faith

It has been way too long since I blogged. I guess I am not good with keeping up with this. I will try to be better because having my thoughts written down and reading them later helps me. However I find it sad that my mission statement for this blog has really not been reflected over the past year or so. So much has happened over the years that I am starting to really question my faith.

My life is not terrible but I am getting very stressed and angry. I really would like Ricky and I to be a happily married couple. I want us to break away from family restraints. I am sick of his mom wanting to be involved in EVERYTHING and assuming the worst about me. She was one of the factors that contributed to my hospitalization. I really want to have a great relationship with her but I lost all trust. I am also tired of the slackers getting everything and me nothing. I am also tired of well meaning people just telling me to put on a happy face and God will provide. Why do people even say such a stupid thing? God is good and He knows His path for us. But I have a hard time believing that God will give me a house if I just put on a happy face. Sometimes though I feel cheated and angry at Him. I know God is big enough to handle everything but I am finding it more difficult each day. I am sick of renting my apartment, tired of people leaching on to us. Why is it so hard to grant me a leg up as Ricky and I want a home?

I don't know what to pray for anymore. I don't even rejoice in Gods word. All of these things that have happened have a reason. But I am human enough to demand what they are. No God does not owe me an explanation or anything. However I don't think its too much to ask for a leg up. These trials are putting me to the test and I am failing miserably. Sigh. I pray for wisdom to put up with these trials. Quite honestly I cant handle any more. My prayer is that one day I will be moving on with Ricky into a home.

Monday, January 11, 2010

A new year

Its been quite awhile since I have posted. Mostly because its been a painful 5 months. Ricky and I were on the brink of divorce, financial issues kept continuing and I was hospitalized from a nervous breakdown as a result.

Ricky and I had been fighting like crazy for weeks leading up to hospitalization. We were going behind each others backs and confiding in our parents about our marriage. It turned into a major disaster as both sets of parents wanted to encourage divorce. My dad went so far as to compare our marriage to a truck that is being repossessed. It was pretty bad. His parents were telling him to leave me as well. I was visiting my dad when I had a nervous breakdown. Well I had one a few days before but I thought I could survive. When I was at Dads I was supposed to drive back home and did not make it. Instead I am in Acadia Abilene Psychiatric hospital for a month. Being admitted that day was so painful for me. I was sobbing my eyes out, Ricky was not there and I had no idea what the future held. The admission process took about 2 hours. During that time various people came in and out of the room asking me questions, taking notes, working out financial issues, and determining if I needed to be there. The decision was made that I was going to be admitted. So at the end of it the admissions counselor told me to give Dad a goodbye hug. Walking away from him was so awful. I was being led into a room of strangers that were just as unstable as I was. So then I was introduced to locked down living. I mean you could not go anywhere without staff members, phone time was limited and visitation was on certain days. There is a reason for these things though. When I was in there I had limited contact with Dad and my sister Alicia. I did not talk to Ricky until 4 days later. Those first few days with limited contact helped me clear my head and figure out what I was going to do. After being discharged from the inpatient unit, I went to outpatient for 2 weeks. I made friends and learned a lot. I was off work for 2 months also. When I came back home I was in an outpatient program at Springwood. The two months of therapy helped me. But I do have very rough days. I know though I can handle things a little better.

I came back to work to find out that some processes had changed and that our team was splitting up and we were acquiring a new supervisor. This change has been for the better but I do miss Matthew. I thought the world of Matthew even though I did disagree with him at times. He was very understanding during lots of rough times I had gone through. He and his wife bought Ricky and I groceries during the worst part of my financial troubles. So even though my new boss Tony is wonderful it took a little time adjusting. It is weird not getting emails from Matthew. I had to adjust to asking Tony for time off and day trades. There is still some strife among team members at work but I believe we can all get through it if we do not act like children.

Finances are still tough. Ricky had a job at Target during the holiday season but was let go on New Years day. I am behind like crazy. Part of it is my fault though because if I just adjust a few life style choices I probably would be in better shape. So I am working on changing some of my habits.

This year I hope and pray it will be better than last year. My goals are to battle this depression, get out of debt and continue to grow in my walk with the Lord. I feel like these can be accomplished if I keep trying.