Monday, June 18, 2012

Unlearning behaviors

I just read a good friend's blog and its so much more encouraging than anything I have written over the past two years.   I have let my anger, bitterness, and frustration rule over my life.  It is no fun to live this way.  I dont spend day after day miserable.  Some days though I am just consumed with all of of these things its hard to function.

My mother in law is finally moving in.  She says its temporary.   But because I still do not trust her I have a hard time believing it.  If I wasnt so jaded I would see it for what it is.  A family member is temporarily down on her luck and Ricky and I have a place for her to stay.  However I have seen her behavior toward Ricky as clingy and needy.  I feel like she will never let go of him.  Living with us is just a way to ruin our marriage.   I have to let go of the past but it is so hard when you see similar behaviors presently.  Ricky's mom and dad both tried to tell him to leave me and not work out the marriage.  That has pretty much instilled a mistrust in  both of his parents.  So when she says she wants to move in I automatically assume she is there to put a kink in our lives for the worst.  I guess I would have let this go and moved on but then over the years there have been subtle reminders of how much he was babied and how his life was so much easier before he married me.  As mentioned before I am accused of abusing, starving him, and discouraging him.  Its not all the time but it seems when I let my guard down she starts in on me.  Maybe I am just oversensitive and not seeing it as motherly love.  So I am praying that I can let go of this.  For Ricky's sake I want to make our household smooth while she recuperates and gets on her feet.  But lets be honest its very hard.  Just the thought of her moving in makes me want to cry for days.  So prayers would be appreciated. 

I really have been putting Ricky through the ringer.  He hears about my constant whining about his mother moving in.  I am trying to curb that behavior.  He has been patient with me and has assured me he loves me.  But her moving in makes me feel so inadequate and not needed. Ricky has told me many times that this was temporary and is in no way a reflection of his love for me.  But again in my jaded behavior I feel like he wanted his mom there because I do not do enough.  Thats an insecurity I HAVE to get over.  It is ruining me daily and its no fun.  I have to give Ricky lots of credit.  He has been finding so many ways to give me hope and assure me that we will be fine.  The enemy has me thinking that her moving in is the road to divorce court.  He has told me this isnt so but I get caught up in all of the evil things from the past and think the worst.  So during this time this will be a test of faith. 

I know it could be much worse.  Having someone move in temporarily isn't the end of the world.  As long as you have ground rules and understanding it should be smooth.  But I have had room mates before.  Again I am dwelling on the past.  One brought drugs in my house and another left me a 700 dollar phone bill and a mess.  Oh and my dad did move in for a short time.  That was NO fun as he was constantly trying to tell us how to run our lives. So these things from the past are sneaking up on me and bringing me down.  But I truly believe if I pray, seek God, and stay close to Him I will be in great shape.  He knows what he is doing even if I am not liking it right now. 

1 comment:

Maria K. Hass said...

Hang in there! Keep praying! It will all work out for good because God is with you!!