Not sure what to do

I am glad I am a Christian. If I wasn't I would probably be worse off. I say this the because knowing that God is on my side in these trying times has kept me from jumping off a cliff. Believing in God does not mean everything goes away. Rather its accepting Jesus as your Saviour and understanding that the trials we are given are to strengthen us. Being frustrated when things don't work out the way you would like does not make someone a bad person. Questions of why God does things is human. It makes me mad that there are people out there who say that you are a sinner if you get upset. Let me be the first to say that we are all sinners, hence the reason for Jesus. However His love is so great that he can HANDLE us during our times of stress and trials. If someone is telling you that you are not a Christian for being upset they are WRONG. I will say if you drown in self pity though that isn't biblical either. These past few weeks I have gotten close to feeling sorry for my self but my friends have helped me not sink into a pity party. But here is an update.

Ricky and I got into a huge argument on Tuesday. There are days he feels just fine and I get frustrated because he is not working. We are so behind on bills its not funny. After paying every other bill this past weekend, I don't have money for the rent. I can pay it next pay check but that means stupid late fees again. I told Ricky to PLEASE find a part time job. I cannot continue to work and keep up the bills. His response was for us to move in with his mother. Every time I hear that suggestion from him or her I get so mad. I accused him of not wanting to work and living like a bum. I know that was not wise but I am almost out of patience with our financial challenges. We started hollering and screaming at each other. He called me selfish and uncaring. He threatened to leave me but then said "I am only staying with you for insurance purposes. " So that started another round of ugliness and screaming. So because of that argument I was an hour late and got grief from my coworkers. I cried the whole day because I hate fighting with Ricky. We talked it over later and apologized to each other. Of course we are staying together. But that argument was just a reminder that I shouldn't try to control everything.

Today was just another reminder that Ricky's condition is real and there is something wrong. He could barely get out of bed today. I ended up going to church without him because he could barely move. So I feel guilty for accusing him of laziness. Its just that the pain is so inconsistent. He is living in limbo. He does not want to get a job outside of the home because of the condition he is in. What makes me mad about all of this is that Ricky's mom may get her victory temporarily. She has wanted us to live with her ever since the day we got married. I am sorry but I feel like we need our own place. But with the bills piling up I cannot afford to keep this apartment after October. Plus I owe 2 places money that may keep me from getting another place to live. So until we catch up we may have to pack up our things in storage and move in with hher. Let me make it clear though it will NOT be permanent. We will actively pursue another place to live while living there. I will try to make the best of the situation but it does not mean I have to like it. It makes me angry just thinking about it but I know that God's will is for us to be protected. I know in my heart that He does not expect us to live there forever. So starting in August we will start packing up stuff and moving it to storage over the next two months. I am crying as I type this because this not something I am thrilled with. Plus I have to deal with Ricky's mom being smug and making comments. Oh and I don't want to even think of what Dad might say. Dad has had it out for Ricky ever since the day that I was proposed to. That's another story for another day. But I know I can deal with this. It really sucks but there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Work is challenging. We got a new manager last week. There will be changes in the way we do things. Maybe the childish bickering and snobbishness will stop too. I sometimes feel like I am in high school because some of my coworkers act like they are part of the cool kids crowd. The way they act and talk is reminiscent of my teen years. I have learned that even as adults there are people who have not grown up yet.

I have been sick this past week. I hope i can get better with over the counter meds because I am not able to afford even a doctors visit. I have congestion, sore throat and my jaw feels like I have been punched. I think a wisdom tooth may be fighting for its place in my mouth. Hope I feel better soon.

Rob Rion is traveling in Minnesota. We talked before he left and he was really awesome. He said that he considers Ricky and I friends. Rob and I work almost the same shift so approximately at 9:45 once or twice a week I will call and make my night request. If he is busy we will just exchange pleasantries. If he is not we will catch up on whats happening in our lives. He always prays for us and continues to get our requests. Yes if anyone was curious he is married. Jeff Day has been on vacation for 2 weeks. I am anxious to hear about Lisa. Jeff's wife has skin cancer and last time I heard she was in remission. So I hope she stays there. Jeff is an asset to KCBI and people love him. I pray for them frequently. I also met Scott Broyles via phone. He does production work around the station. Now this guy was just too cool. He is like me and loves to talk. We spoke for about 15 minutes! What an awesome person. He is the example of Christ's love. He is Ricky's age and is married with 2 kids and a third one on the way. Believe me I only called to request a song and ask how he was doing. But I found out so much more from him. He was willing to share some of his personal life with me. I wont publish it on here out of respect but I will say it was a blessing. Him and his wife Sarah are in my prayers. Michelle O'Connell is another person I have met. She was covering for Jeff Day last week and was upset because she had to wake up an engineer for assistance. She is such a nice person. Contrary to how this sounds I am not some crazy nut that has nothing better to do with my time than call stations. I have called to get a Bible verse or make a song choice. But some of the people I talk to will open up to me. Its great! I still thank the Lord for leading me to KCBI. I just turned it on one day and never changed the channel. I am glad I did.

Maria and Paul are doing good. Paul got a job at Best Buy. I am glad things are going their way. Maria and I have poured out our troubles to each other and spoke about the trials in our lives. She never gives me stupid phrases or tells me fake junk. She is a real example of a Christian. She does not put on airs or try to tell the people that they are wrong for being upset. I wish they were here in Texas but I know God is utilizing their talents in Florida. Oh come on who am I kidding! They are in FLORIDA! Near the BEACH! Of course they wouldn't come to Texas! I am not fooled you two! :-) You may think you are fooling me by saying you are doing Gods work. But the truth comes out! Fun in the sun all day! Really I am just teasing because their life story has been anything but beach fun. I continue to pray for them.

Meri is still with Nick. I understand why she stayed here in DFW because if she lived with her mom she would never learn independence. Her mom loves her but freaks out if Meri wants to walk to the Library. How old are we now? Last time I checked 26 was legal adult age. Ricky and I offered our home to her again but she refused because she wanted to stay with Nick. Now I did not give that ultimatum of breaking up with him. Ricky did. I understand why he did too because Ricky does not want drugs around our home. Plus Nick made some mistakes that make Ricky leery of trusting him. Its a messy situation. I hope they work their differences out. I have ceased in giving advice in her situation. It didn't help so I will just be a friend from afar.

I will be going on a retreat next weekend. I cant wait. Some spiritual refreshment will be welcome after the past two months. I have a friend who offered to pay for it. She actually insisted so I couldn't pass her up on it. I will report after I get back.

Heavenly Father, We continue to praise You for all of Your great work. We know you are the Great Physician and that Your will be done in all of our situations. I want to lift up Jeff and Lisa again. I am thankful they were able to have a couple of weeks of restoration. I know You had a hand in making sure he could be restored to do Your work. I pray for safe travel for Rob. I also pray for a safe return home to DFW for him. I lift up Scott and Sarah as they are anticipating a new life! I pray that the pregnancy is uneventful for her and for a healthy child. I also lift up Paul and Maria. They are moving in the right direction but I pray that they can be financially assisted in some way so they can continue to go forward. I ask for continued healing on my mother who is in the hospital. She and I may not have a close relationship but I still want her to be restored. I pray she knows you as Lord and Saviour. Finally I ask for continued healing on Ricky and I. We need healing in our marriage because we are falling apart due to our finances. We ask for Your continued blessing and hand on Ricky as he is battling this unknown condition. I pray that You will give the doctors wisdom to find out what is wrong so he can be free of this prison he is in. Lord we thank You for Jesus who loved us so much to give his life for us. In the midst of all of this we remember the sacrifice. It is His name we ask all of this in,

Amen.