Thursday, August 6, 2009

Its not that simple.

Ricky and I have been struggling a lot over the past year through many situations. Some of them were self inflicted, some were errors of others. Because of our eventful year we have been bumping heads quite a lot. We have had some of the worst fights that I would not wish on anyone. There have been some hurtful words that can never be taken back. We have battled finances. We disagree over how we should be living our lives. There has been threat of splitting up. Its been very turbulent. However I know we love each other and want to weather these storms. Its worth it to keep a marriage together. Its not just because of statistics or reputation. I believe that when a man and woman are in a covenant marriage they should make it work out.

When Ricky and I disagreed, I would vent to a "friend" about our problems. Big mistake. Why? Because while a friend or coworker is willing to listen they can sometimes offer dangerous advice. Over the past month I have gotten some awful solutions on how to handle our differences. The worst thing is these people really think they are helping! One person told me that I need to do what "feels" right to be happy. What was meant was I should commit an act of adultery because I was not being satisfied. Yeah that's just great in the short term. (Please note sarcasm) Sleep with someone and be happy. That's a wonderful solution if you want to HURT people! Because when you have intercourse with someone you share more than just physical needs. Some may not realize it but an emotional bond can develop if it hadn't already from the emotional affair that always seems to happen. It does not matter how unhappy you are. Adultery is not the answer. There is no excuse for it. However me being a sinner in a fallen world I can understand why it may happen. I know people who have escaped their abusive spouse to feel cherished by someone else. That being said I am still not excusing the act because of the long term damage that can follow. I had another person tell me to destroy the stuff they love. This may have came off in a joking manner but I know there was a grain of truth behind that. I have very tempted to take a bat to the play station and the xbox. However there is no point. Why waste the energy destroying things? Some may argue its better than hitting your spouse but if you need to hit something get a dummy or a punching bag. Smashing game systems to bits only solves the problem for the short term. Those are just two of some dumb things to do.

The worst advice I think you could ever give a struggling couple is to tell them to be divorced. Now before everyone yells just understand what I mean. I certainly don't advocate a marriage to stay together if there is abuse. Adultery can be worked through but if its continuous and your spouse is unrepentant then its time to give an ultimatum. But my worst advice was when I had a coworker tell me that I needed to divorce Ricky so I can be happy and that God would bless my decision. The person went on to say that God wants me happy and would understand. That is some of the worst theology I have ever heard! I know the Lord wants wants best for me. I also know if I am going through trials and tribulations He is beside me. Its not easy at all but to have my Heavenly Father pick me up when I cant go no more is a great thing. He is not sitting up there wanting me to be miserable but the Bible states why God hates divorce! These hard times are to make us stronger. If I were to get a divorce I would be sinning. Being in Christ means this sin could be forgiven. But why even sin when I could do the right thing and seek out ways to make our marriage stronger? Divorce leaves some really bad results as well. My dad and Ricky's parents are divorced. One of them is remarried. However all three of them carry the bitterness to this day with them. Plus if kids are involved they get caught in a tug of war that they did not ask for. There are times when parents want the children to take sides. There is also psychological damage also. There are so many bad side effects from a divorce that its worth it to stick it out. I do make an exception when it comes to abuse. My sister and her husband have been married for 20 years. She should have left him 19 years ago. He has put her in the hospital more times than I can count. I cannot in good conscious tell her to stay with him. Some may disagree and argue you stick it out no matter what but constant abuse is not excusable.

In my case divorce is not an option I will pursue. The Lord has blessed me already. Temporary promises are not fulfilling. So if someone wants to give me advice don't tell me to get a divorce. Its not that simple.

1 comment:

Maria Karalus-Hass said...

Divorce and adultery are never an option. Taking a small break has helped a lot of couples stop the nasty words towards each other though. Just keep praying about it and I'll keep praying for the both of you!