Weird!!!

Yesterday I had posted a blog about my church. I had also posted some stuff that I felt was a real concern to me. In doing so I apparently caused someone to be offended or upset because my post was reported to our executive pastor at church. To make things even stranger I got a personal call from the executive pastor while I was at work! He was very nice. All he did was ask me some questions. However I just felt so....weird! I am not a columnist or a writer for a newspaper so for my post to get the attention it did was just so odd. Whats even more strange is that I made disclaimers throughout my post assuring people that I was not trying to criticize the person I was speaking about. All I wanted to do was prove a point that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect no matter what. I took my post down so no one would mistake my concern for one persons actions as criticism of the church. The Lord has blessed our church with many great people and I do not want anyone to get the wrong idea.

My apology is to whoever was offended. I do intend to speak my mind but I will make sure going forward I will be diplomatic but bold.

Wow

I just deleted a post because I inadvertenly caused some issues. My apologies to those out there that may have gotten offended.

Spiritual thoughts

Last night I was at a party for a former coworker. I was having a conversation with a group of girls about religion and faith. It was interesting because 2 of the girls were Jewish and one is agnostic from what I understand. These girls gave me a reason as to why they could not be a Christian. I realized I was one of the worst witnesses for the gospel because I had a hard time expressing why trusting in the Lord was important. I admitted I was a Christian but I said nothing else. I have always had an aversion to witnessing and last night was no different. Instead of being a bold Christian, I clammed up. I am not ashamed of the gospel. I have no problem with people knowing my faith. But I can never seem to articulate a defense for Gods word. Last night would have been a perfect time to witness.

My walk with God is marginal at best. I go to church every Sunday and I pray but it seems so lukewarm. Plus I have raged at God for silly things and do not praise Him when it is deserved. Ricky and I can have faith conversations but we don't pray together. That has troubled me too. Why does it seem more comfortable to pray with the pastor at church than with family members or spouse? Plus I have not been tithing. I know my money has been given to me to use wisely. But I don't tithe 10% because I am holding on to fears of going back to being poor.

I find myself questioning my faith. I keep getting mixed signals on where I stand with the Lord. What bothers me is hearing people say "Trust in the Lord and you will always be happy". In a sense that is true because I have the knowledge of spending eternity with our Savior. But right now I still struggle with depression, anger, and temptation. It seems to be condescending to suggest that I am experiencing these things because of a lack of faith.

I am also struggling with my church home. I have not been to First Baptist Dallas for awhile. I like the church but it is a 30 minute drive. Its worth it but I am starting to resent the trip there especially since there is a wonderful Bible believing church just 5 minutes away. So I have been attending First Baptist Church in Euless on and off for the past month. I have to say that Reverend John Meador is the genuine article. He does not preach to be a superstar. His personal life story is amazing as well. He is mostly deaf but overcomes that challenge by delivering Gods word every Sunday to a congregation of 3000+ people. Also if you heard him you would have never guessed he was deaf until someone mentioned it. But I know a pastors life story and sermons are not the only reason to attend a church. Ricky says that God called us to First Baptist Dallas. It is a great church. But I am not wanting to drive 30 minutes every Sunday.

Even as depressed as I have been I know that God is here. His love has sustained me and kept me from losing my mind. His ways are not our ways but He has great things planned for us and does not want us hurt (Jeremiah 29:11). Sometimes though its hard to see this with all of the struggles and depression I am dealing with.

Heavenly Father I cry out to you for Your help. Please help me to discern and to be a bold witness for You. Help me to remember what it means to trust in You. in Jesus Name Amen

Just a bad day..

Over the last year I have worked on controlling my anger. It has not been easy but my efforts have paid off for the most part. I have not hit anyone and I try to curb my tongue as to not insult anyone. However today my anger has reached its limit. It stems from incidents in the last 48 hours.

My sister Cameron had her baby on Thursday. It is a joyous occasion but I could not be there for it due to finances. I had made up my mind that Ricky and I were going to drive to where she is sometime in the fall and bring gifts for her and the baby. But then my sister Erica called me and started going on and on about wanting to go see her this weekend. I firmly told Erica I could not go and can we wait until I am financially stable. Well she kept saying "finances are not the problem, just come with me, we will eat cheap, no excuses" and other things. She would not drop the subject after I told her it was not a good idea to go and that I would need to ask for time off. She kept nagging me until finally I gave in. So I let my boss know and he found coverage for me. I was excited but still a little apprehensive because I had no money to contribute. Erica kept assuring me it was ok and that she would pay for everything. Then she calls me and says "are you SURE you don't have money to spare?" I said "No I do not I have already told you this" She started complaining about how it was going to strain her budget but she said the trip was still on. A few hours later she calls me and says "I have been thinking. I cannot afford this trip. Would you be too offended if I went without you?" That was a stupid question. Of course I was livid. She spent over 3 hours of my time trying to convince me to go and then backs out. That makes me furious. I did not yell at her but I told her that I did not appreciate her coercing me just to back out. It seems like a petty thing to be mad about it. However it reminds me that this is not the first time she has done this to me. It was ridiculous and I was even more angry at myself for ignoring all the bad signs. I love her but right now I have no respect for her.

I am also angry at my mother in law for constantly accusing me of starving Ricky. She keeps making comments about how he is starving when he gets off of work and that I don't give him good meals. She did this right before I went into the psychiatric hospital so the accusations bring back bad memories. It has taken every ounce of self control not to go off on her. I understand that moms love their children but that does not give her any right to treat me like I am dirt. Ricky and I have issues but we work through them. I am tired of her interfering and trying to cripple our marriage. I am sick of him depending on her all the time.

I am still conflicted about Meri too. She has everyone fooled that she is this sweet innocent person who will do no wrong. It makes me mad that she gets away with not paying my phone bill she ran up. I care about her as a friend but she has made me angry enough that I want to smack her. She has a boyfriend who buys her whatever she wants and she does not have a job that pays well. I am breaking a commandment when I say I am jealous of the fact she can be a lazy person and get what she wants while I work hard and do not see anything for it.

I am aware that our true riches are in Heaven. I know that God is here even if it does not feel like it. Only His presence has kept me from doing something I will regret later.

Crisis of faith

It has been way too long since I blogged. I guess I am not good with keeping up with this. I will try to be better because having my thoughts written down and reading them later helps me. However I find it sad that my mission statement for this blog has really not been reflected over the past year or so. So much has happened over the years that I am starting to really question my faith.


My life is not terrible but I am getting very stressed and angry. I really would like Ricky and I to be a happily married couple. I want us to break away from family restraints. I am sick of his mom wanting to be involved in EVERYTHING and assuming the worst about me. She was one of the factors that contributed to my hospitalization. I really want to have a great relationship with her but I lost all trust. I am also tired of the slackers getting everything and me nothing. I am also tired of well meaning people just telling me to put on a happy face and God will provide. Why do people even say such a stupid thing? God is good and He knows His path for us. But I have a hard time believing that God will give me a house if I just put on a happy face. Sometimes though I feel cheated and angry at Him. I know God is big enough to handle everything but I am finding it more difficult each day. I am sick of renting my apartment, tired of people leaching on to us. Why is it so hard to grant me a leg up as Ricky and I want a home?


I don't know what to pray for anymore. I don't even rejoice in Gods word. All of these things that have happened have a reason. But I am human enough to demand what they are. No God does not owe me an explanation or anything. However I don't think its too much to ask for a leg up. These trials are putting me to the test and I am failing miserably. Sigh. I pray for wisdom to put up with these trials. Quite honestly I cant handle any more. My prayer is that one day I will be moving on with Ricky into a home.

A new year

Its been quite awhile since I have posted. Mostly because its been a painful 5 months. Ricky and I were on the brink of divorce, financial issues kept continuing and I was hospitalized from a nervous breakdown as a result.

Ricky and I had been fighting like crazy for weeks leading up to hospitalization. We were going behind each others backs and confiding in our parents about our marriage. It turned into a major disaster as both sets of parents wanted to encourage divorce. My dad went so far as to compare our marriage to a truck that is being repossessed. It was pretty bad. His parents were telling him to leave me as well. I was visiting my dad when I had a nervous breakdown. Well I had one a few days before but I thought I could survive. When I was at Dads I was supposed to drive back home and did not make it. Instead I am in Acadia Abilene Psychiatric hospital for a month. Being admitted that day was so painful for me. I was sobbing my eyes out, Ricky was not there and I had no idea what the future held. The admission process took about 2 hours. During that time various people came in and out of the room asking me questions, taking notes, working out financial issues, and determining if I needed to be there. The decision was made that I was going to be admitted. So at the end of it the admissions counselor told me to give Dad a goodbye hug. Walking away from him was so awful. I was being led into a room of strangers that were just as unstable as I was. So then I was introduced to locked down living. I mean you could not go anywhere without staff members, phone time was limited and visitation was on certain days. There is a reason for these things though. When I was in there I had limited contact with Dad and my sister Alicia. I did not talk to Ricky until 4 days later. Those first few days with limited contact helped me clear my head and figure out what I was going to do. After being discharged from the inpatient unit, I went to outpatient for 2 weeks. I made friends and learned a lot. I was off work for 2 months also. When I came back home I was in an outpatient program at Springwood. The two months of therapy helped me. But I do have very rough days. I know though I can handle things a little better.

I came back to work to find out that some processes had changed and that our team was splitting up and we were acquiring a new supervisor. This change has been for the better but I do miss Matthew. I thought the world of Matthew even though I did disagree with him at times. He was very understanding during lots of rough times I had gone through. He and his wife bought Ricky and I groceries during the worst part of my financial troubles. So even though my new boss Tony is wonderful it took a little time adjusting. It is weird not getting emails from Matthew. I had to adjust to asking Tony for time off and day trades. There is still some strife among team members at work but I believe we can all get through it if we do not act like children.

Finances are still tough. Ricky had a job at Target during the holiday season but was let go on New Years day. I am behind like crazy. Part of it is my fault though because if I just adjust a few life style choices I probably would be in better shape. So I am working on changing some of my habits.

This year I hope and pray it will be better than last year. My goals are to battle this depression, get out of debt and continue to grow in my walk with the Lord. I feel like these can be accomplished if I keep trying.

Many thoughts again

This past week I got to volunteer for KCBI's Share 2009. It is a fundraiser event that takes donations and faith promises from listeners. The station is listener supported and has no commercials or advertising. Businesses do support the station by underwriting. I could go in to the boring details of how a station works but it would put me to sleep trying to describe it. However I had an awesome time in the company of the staff and fellow volunteers. I got to sit and talk with Rob Rion, Bongo Rod, Bernie, Dennis..I could go on and on. It was an amazing time of fellowship with other believers and I supported a ministry I believed in. As long as I am in the DFW area I plan to work every year at this event. What a way to have fun and do something meaningful at the same time.

I am trying to lose weight. It is a struggle to do so but I know I can do it if I try. I had taken to walking every day but when Share came around I fell off the wagon. At Share 2009 food is provided around the clock. So I ended up eating a LOT. This week I will get disciplined again. I don't blame anyone but myself for my self control issues but that's okay. :) I am also trying to replace soda with water and control my portions. Of course when food is provided almost every second that can be a challenge. One of the reasons why I want to lose weight is because I am not healthy. I am 70 pounds overweight. I believe that getting rid of this excess could help my back problems and joints. I also want to keep myself from becoming diabetic. It runs in the family and the effects of it are not pretty if left untreated.

I got to meet 2 of my "celebrities" that were mentioned in an earlier post. On August 28 I met Dr. Richard Land at SWBTS chapel. On September 10th I met Dr. Al Mohler. Keep in mind when I say meet its a 3 minute ordeal. You shake their hand, tell them how much you admire them, have them sign your book, maybe take a picture if you are lucky and its over. I wish I could have sat down to lunch with them because these men are 2 that I admire greatly. However they are busy spreading the gospel through the work they do.

Ricky and I are still struggling with finances. I have bills that need to be caught up on. I took a small step and made a payment plan for a phone bill that Meri ran up. I got her a phone through my job and needless to say I did not get much money from it. I take partial responsibility for this bill because I did not put restrictions. So I feel like I am making a small step toward getting out of debt. Ricky is in school now. I am glad because it motivates him and he is not finding ways to be negative or talk himself out of doing something worthwhile. Because he is in school I am figuring out ways to trim the budget and keep the household afloat until Ricky finds work or a source of income. We are looking for a cheaper place to live. The rent here is outrageous. I know of apartments that charge less for more space in a safe area.

At Share 2009 I met some nice people. However there is this one woman I met that I feel envious of. Her name is Christina and she is married to the general manager (Mike) for the station. She is an attractive woman with a great figure and blond hair. She and Mike have 2 kids. They are the ideal American family with the boy and a girl in a nice house with a dog. I have not felt envious in quite some time so why is it rearing up now? I guess its because she seems to have it put together. She is a stay at home mom with a happy marriage. We talked for some time. I have to shamefully admit I almost written her off as a shallow, uppity woman from her appearance. But that is certainly not Christ like and I am being just as shallow by judging on outside covers. I got past that and started feeling insecure as we talked because she spoke with such joy about her life. Judgemental me started thinking "it must be nice to have it all". The sad thing is that I don't know much about her life with Mike other than what I saw at Share. I have no idea of the struggles the family may go through. I was literally focused on all the things I saw. I am envious of the house, the family, the financial security, and circumstances. I started longing to look like her. I wanted to somehow find Ricky and I a house so I could somewhat secretly compete with her and say "I can have that too." I still am struggling with money issues by spending money I do not have show people that I can afford things too. These are weaknesses that have been brought to light. I am now repenting for being envious and judgemental. My life is not perfect but it is blessed. I have to be grateful for what I have. Its hard sometimes because when I see people who seem to have it more together than I do the green monster rears its head.

I am still praying for a way to get out of working on Sunday. Week after week I miss being in a house of believers. Listening to the services on the radio really do more harm than good because I just start resenting the fact I am not there in church. I am missing out on music ministry and being an active part of the church. I know the Lord knows my heart and He understands. The only comfort I can draw is that the Lord sees my efforts. However so many events in the church are coming up and I have to miss out because I am work. I am not ungrateful for my job but I am hungering for fellowship. Going to SWBTS chapel during the week is wonderful but not the same. Missing my church home does not change my gratitude for SWBTS offering worship. I am not sure how I would get through the week with out these services.


My life is not perfect but it is wonderful. I have the Lord on my side. I love my husband even during trials. I thank our Father for the blessings I already have and ask for repentance on my coveting attitude I reflect on troubled times and the lessons learned.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for Your blessings and forgive me as I seem ungrateful for being envious. I ask you to continue watching over those who need Your comforting hand. In Jesus Name, Amen.