One of my good friends has lost her husband this week. It has been very tough for all of us who knew him. I have been dealing with a ton of emotions over the past week. One that has stuck out though is anger. When I found the news that he had passed away I felt let down by God. I had spent most of the night petitioning for his healing and recovery. I prayed almost non stop throughout the day up until I found out. So in my grief and pain I am angry. I draw no comfort in any of the things that have been said or will be said. I feel like I would go off on someone if he or she tries to comfort me with the cliches. I cannot try to find anything good that would come out of this. As far as I am concerned a wife, family and friends are grieving for a loved one. So I have been angry at God. I have asked why and I have bluntly stated this wasnt right. In this early stage I feel like my prayers were mocked and that I wasnt heard. My faith has been shaken but not defeated.
Even with all the emotions I feel I cannot imagine what my friend is going through. She has to wake up knowing he wont be there the next morning. She has to figure out how to go on. Its going to take time and prayer. She will be making hard decisions over the next year. She has to deal with inquiries regarding her husband. I have seen this cycle with another close friend of mine when she went through a similar situation a few years ago. It doesnt matter the circumstances. It is not easy to watch.
I pray for the family and friends affected. We need healing because right now it hurts too bad.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
So much time has passed
I am so bad about keeping up blogs. I want to be better about not letting so much time lapse. So much has happened since last time.
Ricky's mom lived with us from June until October of 2012. It was quite stressful. I also had my sister stay with me during part of that time as well. During that time though it became apparent that part of the reason why we had so many issues is because she clings to Ricky. At that time she hadn't taken an interest in life and was in her room all the time. Also Ricky and I were arguing quite a bit. I can tell you it was no fun. Also I love my sister but some times I wanted to strangle her when we lived together. We are different people so sometimes our personalities do not go well together. But in October Ricky's mom moved out of our house to make room for a family of 5 who stayed with us for awhile. It wasn't bad but I learned quickly that my house is too small for 7 people, 4 dogs, and a cat. But some good things came out of this. My mother in law moved in with her parents to help them out. She has turned into a different person! Sure she has her bad days but she isn't idle. She has friends, interests and is forging a life for herself. It has also strengthened our relationship for which I am grateful.
I enjoy our church. Our pastor preaches from the Bible. While focused on Gods word it is not judgmental. It is involved in missions and outreach. Ricky and I are constantly involved with church activities. We are in the choir together. He is a part of the security team and I work with the Awanas kids. I have sang during church services. We have helped with events such as fellowship dinners, revivals, and meetings. We have made some friends through the choir, security team and Awanas.
I am still with my current company. I enjoy what I do. However recent changes at the job have got me thinking about what is next in my career. I have been torn between pursuing culinary school or business management. I am not sure what I should do. This is not me hating my current job. It has served Ricky and I well over the years. I met some great people and I have learned so much. So to leave and venture on a different career is scary. I have been praying for direction. I want to learn new things in the culinary world bu I do not desire to open a restaurant. I want to use the knowledge to minister to people but I do not know what yet. Ricky had suggested learning how to cook foods from different cultures. Its a great idea so I am thinking about it.
Over the past few months I have seen my friends with their children. I am longing for Ricky and I to start a family. Fears and finances have kept us from pursuing this. I feel like we should just go for it and trust that God will provide. I know that sounds trite and cliche but it is true. We have struggled financially on and off over the past few years. But when I look back on our struggles I realize He has provided. Sometimes I don't show my appreciation and gratitude. So I pray that we will be blessed with a little one soon.
I will be better about posting. I want to keep blogging and continue this journey we are on.
Ricky's mom lived with us from June until October of 2012. It was quite stressful. I also had my sister stay with me during part of that time as well. During that time though it became apparent that part of the reason why we had so many issues is because she clings to Ricky. At that time she hadn't taken an interest in life and was in her room all the time. Also Ricky and I were arguing quite a bit. I can tell you it was no fun. Also I love my sister but some times I wanted to strangle her when we lived together. We are different people so sometimes our personalities do not go well together. But in October Ricky's mom moved out of our house to make room for a family of 5 who stayed with us for awhile. It wasn't bad but I learned quickly that my house is too small for 7 people, 4 dogs, and a cat. But some good things came out of this. My mother in law moved in with her parents to help them out. She has turned into a different person! Sure she has her bad days but she isn't idle. She has friends, interests and is forging a life for herself. It has also strengthened our relationship for which I am grateful.
I enjoy our church. Our pastor preaches from the Bible. While focused on Gods word it is not judgmental. It is involved in missions and outreach. Ricky and I are constantly involved with church activities. We are in the choir together. He is a part of the security team and I work with the Awanas kids. I have sang during church services. We have helped with events such as fellowship dinners, revivals, and meetings. We have made some friends through the choir, security team and Awanas.
I am still with my current company. I enjoy what I do. However recent changes at the job have got me thinking about what is next in my career. I have been torn between pursuing culinary school or business management. I am not sure what I should do. This is not me hating my current job. It has served Ricky and I well over the years. I met some great people and I have learned so much. So to leave and venture on a different career is scary. I have been praying for direction. I want to learn new things in the culinary world bu I do not desire to open a restaurant. I want to use the knowledge to minister to people but I do not know what yet. Ricky had suggested learning how to cook foods from different cultures. Its a great idea so I am thinking about it.
Over the past few months I have seen my friends with their children. I am longing for Ricky and I to start a family. Fears and finances have kept us from pursuing this. I feel like we should just go for it and trust that God will provide. I know that sounds trite and cliche but it is true. We have struggled financially on and off over the past few years. But when I look back on our struggles I realize He has provided. Sometimes I don't show my appreciation and gratitude. So I pray that we will be blessed with a little one soon.
I will be better about posting. I want to keep blogging and continue this journey we are on.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Unlearning behaviors
I just read a good friend's blog and its so much more encouraging than anything I have written over the past two years. I have let my anger, bitterness, and frustration rule over my life. It is no fun to live this way. I dont spend day after day miserable. Some days though I am just consumed with all of of these things its hard to function.
My mother in law is finally moving in. She says its temporary. But because I still do not trust her I have a hard time believing it. If I wasnt so jaded I would see it for what it is. A family member is temporarily down on her luck and Ricky and I have a place for her to stay. However I have seen her behavior toward Ricky as clingy and needy. I feel like she will never let go of him. Living with us is just a way to ruin our marriage. I have to let go of the past but it is so hard when you see similar behaviors presently. Ricky's mom and dad both tried to tell him to leave me and not work out the marriage. That has pretty much instilled a mistrust in both of his parents. So when she says she wants to move in I automatically assume she is there to put a kink in our lives for the worst. I guess I would have let this go and moved on but then over the years there have been subtle reminders of how much he was babied and how his life was so much easier before he married me. As mentioned before I am accused of abusing, starving him, and discouraging him. Its not all the time but it seems when I let my guard down she starts in on me. Maybe I am just oversensitive and not seeing it as motherly love. So I am praying that I can let go of this. For Ricky's sake I want to make our household smooth while she recuperates and gets on her feet. But lets be honest its very hard. Just the thought of her moving in makes me want to cry for days. So prayers would be appreciated.
I really have been putting Ricky through the ringer. He hears about my constant whining about his mother moving in. I am trying to curb that behavior. He has been patient with me and has assured me he loves me. But her moving in makes me feel so inadequate and not needed. Ricky has told me many times that this was temporary and is in no way a reflection of his love for me. But again in my jaded behavior I feel like he wanted his mom there because I do not do enough. Thats an insecurity I HAVE to get over. It is ruining me daily and its no fun. I have to give Ricky lots of credit. He has been finding so many ways to give me hope and assure me that we will be fine. The enemy has me thinking that her moving in is the road to divorce court. He has told me this isnt so but I get caught up in all of the evil things from the past and think the worst. So during this time this will be a test of faith.
I know it could be much worse. Having someone move in temporarily isn't the end of the world. As long as you have ground rules and understanding it should be smooth. But I have had room mates before. Again I am dwelling on the past. One brought drugs in my house and another left me a 700 dollar phone bill and a mess. Oh and my dad did move in for a short time. That was NO fun as he was constantly trying to tell us how to run our lives. So these things from the past are sneaking up on me and bringing me down. But I truly believe if I pray, seek God, and stay close to Him I will be in great shape. He knows what he is doing even if I am not liking it right now.
My mother in law is finally moving in. She says its temporary. But because I still do not trust her I have a hard time believing it. If I wasnt so jaded I would see it for what it is. A family member is temporarily down on her luck and Ricky and I have a place for her to stay. However I have seen her behavior toward Ricky as clingy and needy. I feel like she will never let go of him. Living with us is just a way to ruin our marriage. I have to let go of the past but it is so hard when you see similar behaviors presently. Ricky's mom and dad both tried to tell him to leave me and not work out the marriage. That has pretty much instilled a mistrust in both of his parents. So when she says she wants to move in I automatically assume she is there to put a kink in our lives for the worst. I guess I would have let this go and moved on but then over the years there have been subtle reminders of how much he was babied and how his life was so much easier before he married me. As mentioned before I am accused of abusing, starving him, and discouraging him. Its not all the time but it seems when I let my guard down she starts in on me. Maybe I am just oversensitive and not seeing it as motherly love. So I am praying that I can let go of this. For Ricky's sake I want to make our household smooth while she recuperates and gets on her feet. But lets be honest its very hard. Just the thought of her moving in makes me want to cry for days. So prayers would be appreciated.
I really have been putting Ricky through the ringer. He hears about my constant whining about his mother moving in. I am trying to curb that behavior. He has been patient with me and has assured me he loves me. But her moving in makes me feel so inadequate and not needed. Ricky has told me many times that this was temporary and is in no way a reflection of his love for me. But again in my jaded behavior I feel like he wanted his mom there because I do not do enough. Thats an insecurity I HAVE to get over. It is ruining me daily and its no fun. I have to give Ricky lots of credit. He has been finding so many ways to give me hope and assure me that we will be fine. The enemy has me thinking that her moving in is the road to divorce court. He has told me this isnt so but I get caught up in all of the evil things from the past and think the worst. So during this time this will be a test of faith.
I know it could be much worse. Having someone move in temporarily isn't the end of the world. As long as you have ground rules and understanding it should be smooth. But I have had room mates before. Again I am dwelling on the past. One brought drugs in my house and another left me a 700 dollar phone bill and a mess. Oh and my dad did move in for a short time. That was NO fun as he was constantly trying to tell us how to run our lives. So these things from the past are sneaking up on me and bringing me down. But I truly believe if I pray, seek God, and stay close to Him I will be in great shape. He knows what he is doing even if I am not liking it right now.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thoughts about divorce
This may offend some people what I am about to write. But it has been tugging at my heart to talk about this. I want to talk about divorce and why I am praying about a way to curb it in today's society. I am sick of seeing broken homes, hurt children, and selfish people who do not care.
Divorce affects the children long after they are grown. The following examples are just a small portion of the junk Ricky and I deal with from our parents. Its pretty sad my dad says "when your relationship ends please let me know". Really that's how you want to be encouraging to your daughter? How selfish! I also find it upsetting that Ricky's mom still holds so much anger and bitter feelings toward his dad. its been 16 years. Her anger has put a negative impact on Ricky's relationship with his dad. She will constantly talk bad about him and cause doubt and fear with Ricky and his dad. Its very disheartening to see an event from years past still play a major role in our lives today. It causes trust issues with Ricky. I assume he is going to betray me and during a weak moment I might buy into the horrible advice my dad gives.
I am sure most people who have made this painful decision were seriously trying to consider what was best at that time. I know couples that have split due to abuse, infidelity, and abandonment. It is hurtful to see. So I am certainly not condemning because I can only imagine how horrible it was to get to that point where a split was the best decision. But what angers me is that a lot of the time people have split over really stupid things. When you got married you made a commitment! So splitting because your spouse gained 15 pounds post wedding is not acceptable. Also just because your heart doesn't flutter at the site of your spouse does NOT mean you fell out of love. If you are in a marriage that is developing and growing you will graduate from heart fluttering to something much more meaningful. I know couples who have split because of money. That is understandable but it CAN be prevented. This means communicating and coming up with a plan. I can speak from experience on that because while we had financial challenges I was not ready to throw in the towel.
Folks you didn't take a vow just to break it when the waters get rough. You are misrepresenting marriage in the worst way. If you see a crack in your marriage you FIX it! You didn't commit your life to just one person to hurt them later on for your selfish desires. I do not care if your wife gained 15 pounds. Instead of berating her find out why? How do you know its not a medical condition or depression? You cant find out unless you communicate! Wives your husband is not perfect. Get used to it. You didn't marry him to "change" him. It doesn't work. A man might mold his life in the right direction but he has to be willing. No amount of cajoling, bribing or threats will get the job done.
I love Ricky. I also get angry at him. Sometimes his attention span is horrible and he tunes me out. He will thrown his socks on the floor. He might forget to fix something he was asked to do. But those are things that can be overlooked or worked through with prayer and guidance. I know Ricky loves me. However I know he gets annoyed with my mood swings and house habits. But these are NOT capital offenses. We have talked, prayed and worked through our differences. Our marriage is no where near perfect. We have a long road ahead of us. But with the Lord's help we will succeed.
Divorce affects the children long after they are grown. The following examples are just a small portion of the junk Ricky and I deal with from our parents. Its pretty sad my dad says "when your relationship ends please let me know". Really that's how you want to be encouraging to your daughter? How selfish! I also find it upsetting that Ricky's mom still holds so much anger and bitter feelings toward his dad. its been 16 years. Her anger has put a negative impact on Ricky's relationship with his dad. She will constantly talk bad about him and cause doubt and fear with Ricky and his dad. Its very disheartening to see an event from years past still play a major role in our lives today. It causes trust issues with Ricky. I assume he is going to betray me and during a weak moment I might buy into the horrible advice my dad gives.
I am sure most people who have made this painful decision were seriously trying to consider what was best at that time. I know couples that have split due to abuse, infidelity, and abandonment. It is hurtful to see. So I am certainly not condemning because I can only imagine how horrible it was to get to that point where a split was the best decision. But what angers me is that a lot of the time people have split over really stupid things. When you got married you made a commitment! So splitting because your spouse gained 15 pounds post wedding is not acceptable. Also just because your heart doesn't flutter at the site of your spouse does NOT mean you fell out of love. If you are in a marriage that is developing and growing you will graduate from heart fluttering to something much more meaningful. I know couples who have split because of money. That is understandable but it CAN be prevented. This means communicating and coming up with a plan. I can speak from experience on that because while we had financial challenges I was not ready to throw in the towel.
Folks you didn't take a vow just to break it when the waters get rough. You are misrepresenting marriage in the worst way. If you see a crack in your marriage you FIX it! You didn't commit your life to just one person to hurt them later on for your selfish desires. I do not care if your wife gained 15 pounds. Instead of berating her find out why? How do you know its not a medical condition or depression? You cant find out unless you communicate! Wives your husband is not perfect. Get used to it. You didn't marry him to "change" him. It doesn't work. A man might mold his life in the right direction but he has to be willing. No amount of cajoling, bribing or threats will get the job done.
I love Ricky. I also get angry at him. Sometimes his attention span is horrible and he tunes me out. He will thrown his socks on the floor. He might forget to fix something he was asked to do. But those are things that can be overlooked or worked through with prayer and guidance. I know Ricky loves me. However I know he gets annoyed with my mood swings and house habits. But these are NOT capital offenses. We have talked, prayed and worked through our differences. Our marriage is no where near perfect. We have a long road ahead of us. But with the Lord's help we will succeed.
Friday, May 25, 2012
So much to think about!
I have been dealing with mixed feelings over some recent events. The past week has taken a toll on my thought process. I want to be a better person and not assume the worst when it comes to kinks in our journey. My faith in God is a roller coaster because I am always questioning and never handing it over to Him. I am not good at that. I always feel like I have to know what is going on RIGHT NOW and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. But its like a bad habit I can't seem to stop worrying and being anxious.
Ricky's mom had symptoms of a stroke last Friday. We didn't find out until Sunday evening! Her reason for not telling someone was that she didn't want to burden anyone. That frustrates me to no end because the message I am hearing is she would rather hurt her son by not taking care of herself. We came down really hard on her and told her not to mess around with her health like that. She started going on about how she doesn't have anyone and didn't want to bother anyone with her health issues. Because of this episode Ricky now wants her to move in so she can be supervised. I am not OK with this at all. It sounds heartless and cruel I know. But I have little trust in her and my past fears have me wondering if she purposely sabotaged her health so she could cling to Ricky. That sounds unreasonable because most people hate being sick. But her actions suggest otherwise.
We worked at Friendraiser this week. I always enjoy doing volunteer work with the KCBI staff. You never go hungry and always have a friend to talk to. I love the staff. Its encouraging to see a group of people praise God so openly without shame. This was something I needed as I am still struggling in my walk. I have been trying to surround myself with other Christians. But an incident at Friendraiser made question if I was even still following the Lord. I met this lady who signed up to volunteer. We talked a little bit but she started acting strange after I asked her where she lived. I simply wanted to know the vicinity so I could recommend a church for her as she was new to the area. But when I asked her she said "why do you want to know that?" I told her I was just curious. She got scared and said "that's Gods area to recommend a church". I didn't press further but the conversation bothered me. I couldn't put my finger on why so I just chalked it up to me being tired. The next day I am at Friendraiser the same lady is there with Ricky in the prayer room. They were talking and when I went to talk to Ricky she has the nerve to say "Sit. I have some things to say". Then she started talking to me like she knew me for years. She was border line lecturing me and then had the nerve to shove my hand! It made me so mad because she took it upon herself to get in my personal space but yet freaked out when I asked her where she lived. But the reason why I question my faith with this incident is because she was telling me things God laid on her heart and all I could do was roll my eyes and mentally think to myself "are you done yet?" Maybe it was just her speech delivery.
Which leads me to what has really been bugging me. I am starting to resent people who have to sermonize everything! I am finding myself rolling my eyes when someone quotes a Bible verse. I will say its not all people. But there are certain individuals that just rub me the wrong way when speaking about God. I am not sure what the means. Is it a lack of faith? I dont know. But I am tired of the sermons when I just want to be talked to like a normal person. I will say that this feeling only happens with certain individuals. If my pastor or Mike Tirone at KCBI were to talk to me I would be fine. But I start rolling my eyes when Ricky or that lady from Friendraiser quotes Scripture. That is something I will be praying about.
I have been worried about how bills are going to be paid since Ricky has gotten laid off. All I have been told is "have faith". What does that mean? I am getting to the point where I want to shout "Faith DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS!". But I haven't because I feel like I would be saying something blasphemous. So instead I have been trying to cut costs where I can. I make calls to companies to see what I can do about payment plans. I am being responsible. However I get accused of not trusting in God. What I am supposed to do? Sit there and wait for the house to get foreclosed in the name of Jesus? Somehow that doesn't strike me as Gods will.
Ricky felt the calling to ministry 7 years ago but has been ignoring it. This week he has been taking his calling very seriously. He has been researching ways to go to school. He has alerted our pastor and has talked to KCBI's general manager regarding his decision. I have very mixed feelings about this. I don't oppose him answering God's call. But 7 years ago I encouraged him in his calling and all it got me was ridiculed. When I had told him to answer the call he looked at me and said "Why is it so important to you? I am starting to think you don't have a mind of your own". He accused me of being a follower and not making my own decisions. I am not sure how encouragement even brings up these things. But they hurt and now I have not voiced any support over this because I really do NOT want to deal with any more criticism. Lets be fair though. If he is serious about the ministry he will accept my support for what its worth. But fear has kept me from being very happy about this development. Its bad that part of me thinks he is only doing this to get out of working! Isn't that a horrible thought?
I am needing prayer because the uncertainty I feel is not getting better. I do not enjoy being angry or agitated with the Lord. I don't want the enemy to win so I am rounding up my prayer warriors. Because if something doesn't change I see myself going down a dark path and it may be hard to turn back.
Ricky's mom had symptoms of a stroke last Friday. We didn't find out until Sunday evening! Her reason for not telling someone was that she didn't want to burden anyone. That frustrates me to no end because the message I am hearing is she would rather hurt her son by not taking care of herself. We came down really hard on her and told her not to mess around with her health like that. She started going on about how she doesn't have anyone and didn't want to bother anyone with her health issues. Because of this episode Ricky now wants her to move in so she can be supervised. I am not OK with this at all. It sounds heartless and cruel I know. But I have little trust in her and my past fears have me wondering if she purposely sabotaged her health so she could cling to Ricky. That sounds unreasonable because most people hate being sick. But her actions suggest otherwise.
We worked at Friendraiser this week. I always enjoy doing volunteer work with the KCBI staff. You never go hungry and always have a friend to talk to. I love the staff. Its encouraging to see a group of people praise God so openly without shame. This was something I needed as I am still struggling in my walk. I have been trying to surround myself with other Christians. But an incident at Friendraiser made question if I was even still following the Lord. I met this lady who signed up to volunteer. We talked a little bit but she started acting strange after I asked her where she lived. I simply wanted to know the vicinity so I could recommend a church for her as she was new to the area. But when I asked her she said "why do you want to know that?" I told her I was just curious. She got scared and said "that's Gods area to recommend a church". I didn't press further but the conversation bothered me. I couldn't put my finger on why so I just chalked it up to me being tired. The next day I am at Friendraiser the same lady is there with Ricky in the prayer room. They were talking and when I went to talk to Ricky she has the nerve to say "Sit. I have some things to say". Then she started talking to me like she knew me for years. She was border line lecturing me and then had the nerve to shove my hand! It made me so mad because she took it upon herself to get in my personal space but yet freaked out when I asked her where she lived. But the reason why I question my faith with this incident is because she was telling me things God laid on her heart and all I could do was roll my eyes and mentally think to myself "are you done yet?" Maybe it was just her speech delivery.
Which leads me to what has really been bugging me. I am starting to resent people who have to sermonize everything! I am finding myself rolling my eyes when someone quotes a Bible verse. I will say its not all people. But there are certain individuals that just rub me the wrong way when speaking about God. I am not sure what the means. Is it a lack of faith? I dont know. But I am tired of the sermons when I just want to be talked to like a normal person. I will say that this feeling only happens with certain individuals. If my pastor or Mike Tirone at KCBI were to talk to me I would be fine. But I start rolling my eyes when Ricky or that lady from Friendraiser quotes Scripture. That is something I will be praying about.
I have been worried about how bills are going to be paid since Ricky has gotten laid off. All I have been told is "have faith". What does that mean? I am getting to the point where I want to shout "Faith DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS!". But I haven't because I feel like I would be saying something blasphemous. So instead I have been trying to cut costs where I can. I make calls to companies to see what I can do about payment plans. I am being responsible. However I get accused of not trusting in God. What I am supposed to do? Sit there and wait for the house to get foreclosed in the name of Jesus? Somehow that doesn't strike me as Gods will.
Ricky felt the calling to ministry 7 years ago but has been ignoring it. This week he has been taking his calling very seriously. He has been researching ways to go to school. He has alerted our pastor and has talked to KCBI's general manager regarding his decision. I have very mixed feelings about this. I don't oppose him answering God's call. But 7 years ago I encouraged him in his calling and all it got me was ridiculed. When I had told him to answer the call he looked at me and said "Why is it so important to you? I am starting to think you don't have a mind of your own". He accused me of being a follower and not making my own decisions. I am not sure how encouragement even brings up these things. But they hurt and now I have not voiced any support over this because I really do NOT want to deal with any more criticism. Lets be fair though. If he is serious about the ministry he will accept my support for what its worth. But fear has kept me from being very happy about this development. Its bad that part of me thinks he is only doing this to get out of working! Isn't that a horrible thought?
I am needing prayer because the uncertainty I feel is not getting better. I do not enjoy being angry or agitated with the Lord. I don't want the enemy to win so I am rounding up my prayer warriors. Because if something doesn't change I see myself going down a dark path and it may be hard to turn back.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Life
My faith is still being tested. I know that the Lord is not being cruel. But recent events have made me question what He is doing. Ricky lost his job so we are back to one income. The idea frightens me because of our mortgage. We somewhat skated by when we lived in the apartment. Ricky and I have been arguing. I fear he wants to go back to the days of old where depending on Mommy was the game plan. As it is he has suggested that she might move in because that's what God would want. We are to be obedient to what the Lord has in store for us. But I wouldn't be human if I wasn't just a little angry about having parents move in
I guess the most frustrating thing is things were going well the past couple of months. Ricky and I moved our membership from First Dallas to Aurora Baptist Church. We are embracing a new business opportunity and Ricky's health has improved by leaps and bounds. Ricky's attitude has changed by leaps and bounds. My faith is strengthening. We got involved in choir at church. We are making friends in our neighborhood. We have made enough money to take care of bills.
But I guess the Lord wanted us to deal with challenges. I will be brutally honest I am really starting to get sick of trials. Compared to some its not the end of the world. But I am not really good at handling adversity or any type of kink thrown my way. This test of faith is necessary but I didn't want it. I really just wanted to go a few months without worrying about where the next meal is coming from or it the mortgage was going to be paid. As frustrated as I am though I do not want to be angry at the Lord. I am quite frustrated though.
I am also grieving the loss of a friendship. It was on shaky ground for years but when recent events came to light it was a sign that it is done. We will never be as close as we once were. My heart breaks knowing that. I haven't cut the person off or told him to go away. But his recent life development will definitely throw cold water on any hope of a close friendship ever again. It is not his fault but I have to be realistic. I wish him the best. Wow this hurts so bad.
I have no idea whats next for us. I pray that I can handle it with dignity and acceptance. My current method is doing more harm than good. I cant handle another day of crying.
I guess the most frustrating thing is things were going well the past couple of months. Ricky and I moved our membership from First Dallas to Aurora Baptist Church. We are embracing a new business opportunity and Ricky's health has improved by leaps and bounds. Ricky's attitude has changed by leaps and bounds. My faith is strengthening. We got involved in choir at church. We are making friends in our neighborhood. We have made enough money to take care of bills.
But I guess the Lord wanted us to deal with challenges. I will be brutally honest I am really starting to get sick of trials. Compared to some its not the end of the world. But I am not really good at handling adversity or any type of kink thrown my way. This test of faith is necessary but I didn't want it. I really just wanted to go a few months without worrying about where the next meal is coming from or it the mortgage was going to be paid. As frustrated as I am though I do not want to be angry at the Lord. I am quite frustrated though.
I am also grieving the loss of a friendship. It was on shaky ground for years but when recent events came to light it was a sign that it is done. We will never be as close as we once were. My heart breaks knowing that. I haven't cut the person off or told him to go away. But his recent life development will definitely throw cold water on any hope of a close friendship ever again. It is not his fault but I have to be realistic. I wish him the best. Wow this hurts so bad.
I have no idea whats next for us. I pray that I can handle it with dignity and acceptance. My current method is doing more harm than good. I cant handle another day of crying.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Does it ever end?
At this point I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel like every time things get better a curve ball is being thrown our way. At this point I am wondering if I should just expect the worst and not be disapointed? Things were really starting to look up. I have this feeling that any time I am content, pleased, happy with things. I always have this feeling of doom and prayers are needed in the worst way. I cant take much more of this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
